This Too Shall Pass

February 17, 2011....

2011-02-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

Is a date that will forever change my life. It is the day I became a mother. The past week of my life has been the quickest, hardest, most fun, most rewarding week of my life.I now find it hard to believe that there was a time in life when I questioned whether or not I would ever want children.

Stella Rae Sadie made her way into this world on February 17, 2011 at 10:09 p.m. She weighed 7lbs 7oz and was 21 1/4 inches long. She is every bit of perfect to me. Nick and I are so blessed.

Not that I have much of a clear mind these days due to sleep deprivation,however, I find myself wondering how in the world I am to guide this child through life so that she is a strong woman who loves God and can make wise choices. The only thing that comes to mind is Bethany Dillon's song Beautiful. As women we are bombarded with images of perfection. I want Stella to know that she will never be perfect but is perfectly loved by a God who created her in His image. What a responsibility I have to show her what beautiful is supposed to reflect.....

Lyrics to Beautiful by Bethan Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

What Would Life Look Like If....

2011-02-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love college football, especially Clemson football. I enjoy going to the games and a winning season. I get way too emotionally attached when we don't do well and I hear people talking trash about Clemson. Facebook does not help this problem at all. After the emotional rollercoaster that Clowney induced in the media after prolonging his announcement, I began to ponder the idea of what our world would look like if we invested as much emotion in hunger, poverty, poor education, homelessness, etc. What if we cared as much about other people as we did about whether or not Clowney commits to our school of choice...what would this world look like? Just a thought...

Why I Still Seek Him ( a comprehensive overview of my life april - present )

2011-01-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

It has taken me some time to muster up the courage to post anything regarding my life for the past 8 months. But as I have time to process and reflect, I know that I must share with you what has been happening. All of the twists and turns my life had taken this year are so not about me but what God is able to do with sin and His ability to redeem and make life new.

In January of last year I prayed, half believing, and asked God to just please let 2010 be the year. My, my, my...I didn't know what I was asking for! God was so faithful to teach me so many things last year and to bring me to a place of such peace in the midst of my SINGLE circumstances. I had finally come to a place where I truly was enjoying life. After attending the Nicaragua mission trip in 2009, I knew that my heart was to take care of patients again ( as noted in earlier posts ). I applied and was accepted to USC to get my Masters as a Nurse Practitioner. I was beyond excited and ready to take on the challenge of being a student again. In the meantime of applying for school I met a wonderful man - Nick. He was unlike anyone I had ever met. I no longer found myself wondering when I would meet someone. Instead, I found myself asking - could this really be it?! As we got to know each other I was more and more comfortable with the idea of never meeting anyone again. I wasn't in a hurry to marry this guy - but there was just something about him. I am so thankful for that assurance early on in our relationship. Life was good and I found myself so thankful for how 2010 was unfolding.

In the midst of God's faithfulness I found myself tangled up in my own selfishness and sinful desires. God had brought me so far and I was ready to do it my way. On June 2 I discovered that I was expecting...and NOT married! How could I have let this happen? Due to time's sake, I will not detail out all of the emotions that ran through me but let's just say that the next 6 weeks would be full of some of the most difficult decisions and discussions as I had to reveal to family and close friends what was happening. During this time, God humbled me by how gentle His presence is. I knew that I could make a choice - I could go through this with or without Him. So, Nick and I decided that we would opt to let God carry us through and show us the way. I have learned so much about God's mercy and character throughout the past 8 months. He truly never fails us and He does pick us up from our self-created disasters and shapes us to be more like Him. The outpour of love and support from family and friends was an extension of God's love for Nick and me. Nick and I were going to do this - we were going to have this baby and hope for the best.

What was "best" supposed to look like? I had always, ALWAYS imagined that I would be married for about 5 years and then it would be time to have children - if I wanted them by then. Clearly, my fairy tale existence was not panning out the way I had always envisioned. So, together Nick and I had to make the decision of whether or not we would marry. I know that this probably seems like the logical choice - he's the father of my unborn child. I wish that the decision had only been that easy. Nick was not the problem - I was. I didn't want to get married just because we had a baby on the way. I was full of pride. I was freaking out. It just wasn't supposed to look this way so how could it ever be right, nevertheless, God's plan for Nick and me? Then, it hit me. We had created our circumstances out of our disobedience. Perhaps, it was time for me to consider what obedience looked like in the midst of the self-inflicted chaos. So, I got real with God. I told Him what I was afraid of. I told Him how ashamed I was of myself for allowing this to happen. I knew that I needed to marry Nick. I think that the most ironic theme in this decision is that the peace to marry Nick did not come until I decided to put my will to the side and let God decide what should happen. Not until Nick and I took the our first step of faith together and decided to marry did we begin to experience the redemptive power of a Living God in our lives. What could have been a devastating set of circumstances slowly blossomed into one of the sweetest times I have experienced. Nick and I married on Oct 1, 2010. It was the wedding that my inner little girl had always dreamed of...and most importantly, I was sure that I had finally found my prince.

Nick Sadie is a good man - he took on the challenge of marrying me! Although it has only been a whopping 4 1/2 months since we said "I do", marriage has already taught me so much. A lot of what I have learned about myself hasn't been pretty. I am selfish,impatient and demand my way far too often. These ugly truths about myself have not been easy to face. I am so thankful that Nick loves me in spite of all of my flaws. His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. No matter how we made it to the altar, I could not imagine a man more suited for me.

So, here I am on Feb 3, 2011 at 5:45 in the morning - one week out from the expected arrival date of our daughter Stella Rae Sadie. I am swollen, rotund and uncomfortable most of my waking hours. I will not lie and tell you that I love being pregnant. I do not! However, I do love this child and I haven't even met her yet. I find myself anticipating her next move. I know when she's probably sleeping and when she will be active. I know that sugar makes her happy ( tell tell sign that she is mine ). I know that she was created to fulfill a purpose that God has only for her. I pray for her. I pray that she would have an easy love for God...that she will not be like her momma and have to figure things out on her own. I pray that God will protect her from the evils of this world while shaping her into a realistic human being. I pray that Nick and I live a life that leads her to God and makes her want to know Him. I pray that the love that Nick and I have for each other will pour over into feelings of safety and security for her. I pray that I will know what to do with her when she get here :)! Needless to say, this is quite an overwhelming time emotions. However, throughout every fear and joy, there has been a supernatural peace that carries me. The peace and assurance that God is in the midst of every feeling I experience and He sustains me. What a sweet, sweet time the past 8 months have proven to be. Oh, how sweet it is to trust in Him!

Meet Nick

2010-09-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's All a Matter of Faith

2010-04-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

For what are you believing God? Does it seem that He doesn't hear you? Or, better yet, is it hard to believe that He has chosen you for the life that He's entrusted to you?

I struggle on a very frequent basis with all of these questions. It is so hard to believe in something that you can't see but are so certain of. I am not only speaking about believing in God, I am talking about believing in His love and the plans that He has for us.

Recently, I had a very peculiar encounter with a date. Let's just say it was a blind date gone bad....REAL BAD. I will leave it at that. The timing of this date was kind of hard for me. And when it comes to boys, I just seem to be disappointed each time a new prospect comes along. It is not necessarily the person that I am disappointed with ( except the blind date ) it is that nothing seems to work out for me in the relationship department. After each "date gone bad" I always wonder why God allows me to have these experiences. Why do I have to go through the process over and over again to only feel defeated in the end when nothing works out? Yes, I call this a pity party. However, I feel like so many of us can relate to these feelings just in very different areas of our lives.

Needless to say, I was mid-pity party when I stumbled upon the verse above in my quiet time the other day. God taught me several things in that moment:

1. He hears my heart. He knows my heart so much better than I do. He loves me immeasurably more than I can imagine.

2. His ways are above my ways and His plan is perfect. This verse comes from the story of Mary's conception. If you will remember, Elizabeth, Mary's relative was six months pregnant with John the Baptist. Elizabeth was advanced in years and had resigned to the fact that she would not have children. I am sure that it pained God as she cried out to Him over and over again. I imagine that He was heartbroken each time His child approached His lap with a heavy heart because she just could not understand why He would withhold such a great thing. But, just like a loving Father, He knew what was in store for her and that His plan would exceed any and all expectations that she had ever placed on her life or her God. Because Elizabeth never lost her faith in her Abba Father or tried to manipulate His plan, He blessed her with a two-fold miracle: conceiving at a ripe age and the privilege to carry and mother John the Baptist who would prepare the way for our Savior. Wow! Let God's timing and perfect plan sink in. Where would we be today if Elizabeth had settled for anything less than what her Heavenly Father had for her?

3. This verse in Scripture is so feminine. "Blessed is SHE..." Girls, it is time that we LIVE out our faith. We need to be women who believe in a God who is capable of all things and pass this legacy along to the generations to follow. Oh, how my choices would have been different if only I had believed in God then like I do now.

4. God honors our faith in Him. Faith is the number one thing that pleases God.

So, let me ask you again...what is it that you are believing your Abba Father for? What is it that God is asking of you to move you closer to Him? I used to think that I would only ask these questions of God on occasion. Now, I try to ask Him this everyday. Each day I ask Him to reveal what I need just for that day and sometimes, moment. This discipline has revolutionized my relationship with God. I see everyday answers to prayers that I otherwise would have missed and when I begin to think - why me? why again? - I am quickly reminded of His faithfulness, His favor, His protection and His love.

To Loves Others as Jesus....

2010-04-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but sometimes loving others the way that Jesus loves us is not my best thing. Christ's love for us is out of heart of submission to the Father and one of humility. I love the lyrics of the song below. I find peace in the love of Jesus and pray that He will give me the strength to love like Him!

Love Never Fails
By Brandon Heath

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside
Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you
Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you
When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this
Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life
Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

Possibly the First Day of My New Beginning

2010-03-09T05:36:00.000-08:00

Every day I get a Bible verse via email. Here is today's:
"And I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do now know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone."
Isaiah 42:16
This verse is a comforting reminder no matter what day you receive it. But, today is kind of a big day for me. As I have stated in an earlier post, I believe that God is directing me to return to school for a Masters Degree in Nurse Practitioner. Today is the day that I take my first step in the process of returning back to school. At 12 pm today I will take the GRE. I know, just a formality...hopefully :). However, I am not a test-taker. I get anxiety and second-guess every answer, even if I know that I am correct. Tests were a daunting task for me in my undergrad work. So, needless to say, I have been dreading today like the plague.

God knows His children so intimately well. Not only was I reassured of His plan for me through the verse that I received today, He also further affirmed Himself to me through my devotion ( 90 Days with A Heart Like His by Beth Moore - a study of David ). Today's devotion was all about getting started with what God has planned for us. Here is just a little background:

Key Verses: 1 Chronicles 22:11-19
David had already appointed Solomon as king and Solomon had taken over the throne of Israel. David spent the last year or two of his life watching and guiding Solomon's reign and it was time to build the tabernacle that would house the Ark of the Covenant...one of Solomon's most important charges from God during his time as king. Verses 18 - 19, "Is not the Lord your God with you? Has he not given you rest on every side? For He has given the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the Lord and before His people. Now set your heart and your soul to seek the Lord your God; arise, therefore, and build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord, and the holy vessels of God into the house that is to be built for the name of the Lord.

Don't be confused, God is not calling me to build a tabernacle but He is calling me to step out in faith and into a career that is to be used to honor and glorify Him. I am incredibly humbled and comforted that the God of all creation met with me this morning to encourage me to do His work. I now have no anxiety about this test and am confident that God will equip me to do see His work through to completion. Oh, how great is His love for us. Not only did He sacrifice His son so that we may not experience what we deserve, He loves us so much as to meet with me over a cup of coffee and a devotional book to cheer me on for the plans that He has for me. I do not have adequate words to articulate the joy and peace that this great love brings.

Update....2010 Thus Far

2010-02-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

As you read in my earlier post, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in November. Staying true to her faith and character, Mom faced her diagnosis with courage and grace and underwent a double mastectomy on Jan 4 of this year. January 4 had been looming over the Sharpe family for about a month as we knew what was ahead for Mom and our family. Quite frankly, the month of December was a complete blur to me. I spent most of the month numb and just doing what I had to do to maintain my job and responsibilities that life brings every day. December was full of doctor visits with Mom, processing the information that was being presented and trying not to allow fear to dominate my mind and emotions. I have never been so thankful for my precious family as I was during this past Holiday Season. We have always been close but God definitely used this diagnosis to knit us even closer together as a family and closer to Him.

Staying true to it's nature , time came and went as did January 4. Mom came through her surgery resoundingly well and welcomed recovery as her new normal. Despite Mom's tremendous progress during the first two weeks post surgery we did face a bump in the road. Mom's skin was not healing on her right side and if something was not done she could face infection and a longer road of reconstruction. Mom had a skin graft done on January 20 and once again handled the surgery like a champ! As of today, Mom is recovering nicely and taking each new day as it comes. The entire process for reconstruction will take anywhere from 9 months to a year. Thank you for all of the prayers for Mom. We, as a family, believe from the bottom of our hearts that it is your prayers that have carried us as a family and sustained Mom during such an emotional time in our lives.

As I have reflected over this bittersweet time, I have found one thing to be true: A grateful heart will bring about great things. Mom has demonstrated a spirit of gratitude throughout this entire process. It is hard for me, as her daughter, to wrap my mind around why my mother should be chosen to endure yet another cancer diaganosis and a surgery that will forever change her body. However, Mom's attitude was one that did not ask why but chose to be thankful for every good thing that was to come out of this situation. The following passage came to mind the week of her diagnosis and continues to penetrate my heart when clouds of doubt roll in:
"Rejoice in the Lord always: again I will say rejoice! Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

So many good things have resulted from one hard, challenging trial that God has placed in front of my mother.
1. Mom has a deeper faith and understanding of how God has protected her throughout this entire process. He has used this time to draw her even closer to Him. I really didn't know that was possilbe because if you knew my mom one word you may use to describe her would be saint.
2. From the outside looking in, my parents' relationship has been enriched and they have learned to love each other in a completely new way. My dad has been an incredible nurse and has definitely sacrificed a lot to be by my mother's side throughout this time. The sweetest thing is that he would not call it sacrifice.
3. Mom and Dad have been loved on by so many people. It is evident how much my mother is loved in her community and church family. The outpour of others' love has been breathtaking. Mom and Dad had a meal provided for them almost every night for the past month.
4. On a personal note and after much grace and time to process what the next steps of my life will be, I now know, with complete clarity, that I will be returning to patient care eventually. I am in the process of applying to graduate school for the Nurse Practioner program. I am very excited about this possiblity and am excited to see what God chooses to do with me.

It is with a grateful heart that I close today's post. Stay tuned....

Too Much on One Plate

2009-12-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

I find myself starting each new blog with an apology for not updating frequently enough. I don't know why I feel the need to do such a thing. It is not like I have a following of more than 2 people. But, to the 2 of you who keep up with me - I am sorry for not updating my blog sooner. Needless to say, it has been quite a journey since my last post.

Where to begin....
Fall is a tremendously busy time for me every year. School starts. Clemson football season tickets. Leaves changing. Absorbing every last drop of nice weather. Travel with job. Family time. Time with friends. All important. All consuming every last minute of my time. When I get busy I get distracted. I find it hard to focus on much of anything - especially those things that require my attention and heart on a daily basis.

God has a funny way of reigning me back in. He is constantly proving to me how little control I have over my life. He continues to be faithful and I am humbled by His sovereignty. Just when I had decided I was done living in Greenville and it was time to make a move again because my life has not changed He boldly affirmed to me that He knows what He is doing and that He has it under control! The Friday before Thanksgiving the Sharpe family was hit with the devastating news that my mother had breast cancer again. Mom was diagnosed with DCIS - which is the BEST diagnosis to get - after being cancer free for 11 years. After many tests, prayers and additional diagnoses, Mom will be undergoing bilateral mastectomy at the beginning of the year. It was not an easy decision to reach but all parties involved feel that this is in Mom's best interest and it is the decision with which she finds most peace. I just have to chuckle because I was ready to begin exploring the possibilities of alternative places to live just 3 days before learning about Mom's cancer. I have struggled intermittently with why God has me back in Greenville when there are so many other places to live. I do love Greenville but I was becoming restless and ready to take life into my own hands when part of God's plan and reasoning was unravelled before me. I am confident that Mom's diagnosis serves as a primary reason that I am right here in Greenville. I have been able to attend every doctor's appointment with her and help her process all of the information that has been given to her. I am right where I need to be.

So often I grow so weary and uneasy with my life. Some days are a constant battle and I wonder if I will ever see change. I also experience days when I know that I am right where I need to be. I just wish that it didn't take a cancer diagnosis for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not in control and that this life just really is not about me. God's plans are perfect.

There have been several other stresses in my life recently that I will not bore you with. However, in all these things I have found that a thankful heart makes each trial so much more bearable. Yes, God does have the power to change any circumstance and I am puzzled, at times, as to why He has not chosen to change mine. But, where would I be in the midst of these circumstances without Him and His power to change them. In Him is where I place my hope. In Him is where I place my trust. Without these circumstances I don't know if this hard-headed girl would have ever learned how to hope or trust Him. I am not in control.

Sometime Words Just Aren't Enough

2009-09-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a great month. God just keeps showing up in big ways. I have never experienced a time in life where I KNOW that God is at work and I am ok with what He is trying to do. Here some highlights of what has been happening:

As I was struggling with what my life was supposed to look like without idolizing my desire to get married, I was growing more and more frustrated. I journaled on August 28, "God, I want to give you this. I want you to be first. I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I am so frustrated. I am confused as to what this is all supposed to look like. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN A BIG WAY!". That evening I was attending the Beth Moore simulcast here in town. The theme of the weekend was Psalm 37:4. "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I think God heard me and He, indeed, showed Himself to me in a big way. Beth Moore said during the conference that sometimes you need an event to permanently change you. That weekend was my event. I heard God tell me that it is ok to want to get married and that I should not be struggling so hard. He wants to give me the desires of my heart but He cannot do that until it is time. In the meantime, I have resolved to asking Him what He needs from me so that He is glorified and my destiny is fulfilled. I have experienced such freedom since that weekend.

The very next weekend I went to Hilton Head with some of my friends from church. I went to Nicaragua with two of the girls. The other two girls are part of a Bible study that I am in. Everyone did not know each other. It was such a great weekend. By the end, it was as though we had all been friends for years. I can't explain to you how honored I am to know these girls and be a part of their lives. The more amazing thing is - they allow me to share part of my life with them as well. I am truly thankful for friendships that God knits together. There is nothing like it.

On a light-hearted note, I have come to know God's sense of humor beyond the fact that He thought it was a good idea to create me. In Nicaragua we were awakened by pesky roosters every morning. I don't know what it was, but the crow of a rooster there did not sound the same as it does here at home. Well, I had fun with this all week and even earned a superlative on the trip because of my severe disdain for these animals. Moving along...I was at Cleveland Park walking the Friday that we were leaving for Hilton Head. This is nothing new - I have been there 100's of times. As I was approaching the equestrian center in the park I heard a rooster crow twice. I was stopped in my tracks and just started laughing. I have never heard a rooster in that park before - NEVER! God just reminded me that He laughs with us and at us all of the time. He is the author of humor and I am so thankful for the personality with which He has entrusted me. It was a gentle reminder that He longs to be with me. He does not need me in the middle of crisis or struggle to show Himself. God became so much more personal to me on that day.

Am I Not Enough?

2009-08-19T09:17:00.001-07:00

I find myself asking this question a lot. I wonder why things are the way that they are and the same question always come to mind - am I not enough? Today I felt God asking me this question. Karis, am I not enough for you?

Prior to leaving for Nicaragua, I had this overwhelming sense that I was about to enter into something that was so much bigger than myself. I felt the Holy Spirit preparing me and inviting me to truly engage in what God had for my life. If you had asked me then exactly what that looked like I would have told you, with complete certainty, that God was calling me to a foreign mission field and I needed to send in my resignation and pack my bags - this was it! Well, I am glad that I thought these things prior to leaving for Nicaragua. And, I am sure that God really appreciates me dictating what He has for me. But, to my defense, I was so completely overwhelmed that I did not know what else He could be calling me to. Moving on...as the week went on in Nicaragua I knew that, for right now, the mission field is not where God wants me. So, if not the mission field, then what? I began to focus on my career and how that needs to change. And, I am still convinced that my career will not always look like it does now, but I do know that I am right where I need to be for the moment. So, if He is not calling me to missions and He is not asking for an immediate career change, then what does He want?
As I have been back from Nicaragua and pondering what God is trying to do in my life, I have been doing a short devotion every day on David. I really felt like this was the devotion that God led me to and found myself pouring out my heart every day about my desire for marriage and what that is meant to look like. Well, today it hit me square between the eyes what that desire is supposed to look like-a sacrifice. It is supposed to be sacrificially laid on the altar for God to do with it whatever He chooses. GULP! I am beginning to see that part of what God was calling me to prior to Nicaragua involves giving Him my dreams. I have to give God the authority to change my desires. Instead of telling God that I am believing Him for marriage, God convicted me that I must believe Him to bring about His plan for my life and somehow my desires will begin to mirror what He has for me, not what I have for me.
Do you know how afraid I am right now? This is scary business. God has very clearly shown me through His word that I am not entitled to my dreams. He has convicted me that although marriage is not a bad desire to have, I must lay it before Him to do with it what He will. You see, I was holding on to this desire thinking that it was ok for me to trust God with it as long as He does not change it. That is not trusting God the way that He calls us to trust Him. When He called the disciples, He told them to abandon everything...EVERYTHING! And the more shocking part is that they did it and look how it changed the world.
I honestly can't imagine my life without the desire for marriage as a part of it but I do know that I must abandon it. God is asking for it. If He is to have all of me, He is to have all of my hopes and my dreams. But, in turn, He is inviting me to a life where He promises that He is enough. I am encouraged by His Word. In Genesis, right before Abraham bound Isaac to the altar Abraham spoke with such faith as he assured his son that God would provide. It was not until Isaac was on the altar that God provided. In Psalm 103 God tells us that He makes everything work out right and just as a father has compassion on his children so does God for those who fear Him. From these verses I know that God will provide for me what I need based on His plan and that He understands me and He is compassionate with me. Sacrificially living your life out for God is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But, take it from this control freak - it is soooo worth it!

For Such A Time As This....

2009-08-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to express how perfect God's timing was for me. God placed me in Nicaragua just when I needed to be there most. The trip was an amazing experience and upon my return home I experienced many bittersweet emotions. Being away from everyday life here in the States presents you with the opportunity to recognize what is most important and reaffirm just how desperate we all are for a Savior.

Here is a recap from the trip....

This picture was taken at the clinic the first Sunday that we were in Nicaragua. After attending church that morning we spent our afternoon setting up the pharmacy at the clinic.

The picture above is the fruit of our labor Sunday afternoon. We were ready to see patients beginning at 8 a.m. the next morning.

Every morning we would circle up to pray as we started our day. In Nicaragua it is common practice for everyone to pray out loud at the same time. Although I could not bring myself to pray out loud I did find myself listening to the sound of English and Spanish speakers praying to God at one time. It was such an incredible experience to witness the power of prayer and to be humbled by how big our God is. He is so big that no matter what your native language is - He understands. He created each of the lives in that circle and knew when time began that we would be standing in Nicaragua together. It was quite a humbling experience.

As a patient entered the clinic some of our team would triage them prior to seeing the doctor. Two doctors were with us on the trip. Dr. Hoffman was with our group from Grace Church and Dra. Aracelis was the Nicaraguan doctor serving with us. The doctors demeanor with the patients and their devotion to seeing every patient was inspiring to watch. After the patients saw the doctor they were led to the tents behind the clinic(which is pictured above)to be presented with the Gospel. The tents were right outside of the windows in the pharmacy. While working to fill the prescriptions we could hear the Nicaraguans praying over everyone who came through the clinic. There were many professions of faith and re dedications. It was a moving experience to hear words that I could not understand while sensing completely that the Holy Spirit was present in those tents behind our clinic.

This is a picture of the tents in front of the clinic where the patients would wait for their medications. The team in Nicaragua on staff with Christ for the City International would do health care teaching as we were filling the prescriptions.

Here is our wonderful pharmacy team. We filled an average of 3-4 prescriptions per patient and saw 320 patients in four days. It was hard work but so rewarding. None of the pharmacy team had never worked in a pharmacy on a mission trip. The first day was tough but we finally got our system down by the end of the day on Tuesday. I was responsible for signing off on each prescription that went out of the pharmacy and for the oversight of the pharmacy. I was totally inadequate for the job but God worked through me to get the job done.

We also had a construction team with us that helped to lay a floor in the church. Two women, Kelly and Jillian, spent everyday with the children playing. All-in-all you could say that the white people attracted a crowd!

If you would like to see all the pictures from the trip you can go to http://disfrutalo.shutterfly.com. Each team member has downloaded their photos for everyone to share.

As I have had time to process all that God has done in my heart I have taken the following away from my experience:

1. As Christians, we are part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The world that we live in is not reality no matter how much we become enslaved to it. Passively living out our Christian faith is not what God calls us to. It is not what Jesus demonstrated in the Gospels and it will never wins souls for the Kingdom. I sensed the feeling of the overwhelming power of God in Nicaragua more than I have in my entire life. God revealed to me just how imperative it is that I understand that being a Christian means to deny myself daily and rest in the all encompassing power of who He is and what He longs to do in my life.

2. Life cannot be fragmented. We can't just give God part of ourselves. He wants everything. As I worked in the pharmacy and was surrounded by patients again, I realized that God gave me a heart to care about others. He gave me the desire to put my hands on people and comfort them. If I am not using the gift that He has given me in my career then I am not glorifying Him completely with my life. I am now exploring what is next for me and my career and am ready to move when God reveals to me my next step.

3. My obedience to God's plan must be my primary concern for the rest of my life. God must, MUST be my first priority. If He is not first then life will always be out of order. Once I submitted my will to Him it was freeing to realize how all my other desires became secondary to Him. I realized that my desires for marriage and a fulfilling career are not wrong - they are how He blesses me. But, I have been in the way. My career or a future spouse will never sustain the weight of my expectations. Only God can do that for me. When He is first everything else looks so much better.

Reality Check

2009-07-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

I leave Saturday for Nicaragua and it really bothers me to know that my last post would've been about my lack of faith. Hence today's post...

I have had several reality checks since my last blog. I just thought that I would share some of my heart with you.
Here are things that I have learned in the past week and a half:

1. When you think that God is not providing - think again. I had a little temper tantrum with God last week when I was traveling with work. The truth of the matter is, I was just angry with God for not providing the entire amount for my trip. I was in the middle of my tyraid when He very strongly reminded me of three things: A) I have a job, a very good job that exceeds my needs and provides me financial opportunities to do things like go on a mission trip with little to no financial burden. I should receive this job with humility because it is from Him and other people would give anything to even have a job right now. WOW - that one hit me HARD! B) God did provide for me in the way that I originally asked Him to when I said yes to this trip. I have said, from the beginning, that if I raise half of the money for the trip I will be ok if I have to pay the other half. God provided five dollars more than half of my trip. Again, I was very humbled by this realization. I also realized that I put God in a box in the very beginning. I told Him how much to provide for me and then when I thought that it wasn't enough I started to complain and became angry at how unfaithful God seemed. My attitude was wrong and I wasn't ready to budge. Finally, C) When sin is present and you stubbornly settle into it you lose all of the security of who God is and what He is really doing in your life. I refused to believe that my feelings toward God were wrong. My attitude and actions portrayed this and I allowed the distance between God and me to become more and more. Guess what, Satan was accomplishing the very thing that he had set out to do 2 weeks prior to me leaving on a mission trip. I was more determined not to let Satan win than to stay mad at God and bask in my rotten attitude.

2. As much as I thought that I was prepared for Satan's attacks, I wasn't. I fell right into his schemes just as he wanted. I wasn't in the Word and definitely wasn't on my knees like I needed to be. I felt like I could handle it if I knew that it was coming. But Satan is much more shrewd than I am. He has managed to attack every insecurity that I have and then some. Satan definitely had the upper hand until one day I stopped and asked God for wisdom and freedom from the mind games. It is funny how a prayer so simple can bring such freedom and clarity.

I am excited to be leaving for Nicaragua in less than 48 hours. I am believing God that this trip will bring true life change and a much needed shift in perspective. Please be in prayer for our team as we will be gone starting July 25 and returning August 2. I anticipate great things and am looking forward to seeing how God is working in different parts of our world.

I Need Help...

2009-07-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

....with my attitude.

July is so super busy I go into mild cardiac arrest thinking about how I am going to get everything done. I am traveling with work part of the first two weeks of July. I am on family vacation the third week and off to Nicaragua for the final week of this month. Although most of my travel is personal and exciting I am having a hard time finding enthusiasm.

The timeline for final payment for my Nicaragua trip is approaching ever-so-quickly. July 19 will be here far sooner than I prefer. Considering I have only raised half of my support for the trip, I am discouraged and disheartened. I know I am supposed to believe that God is faithful but, to tell you the truth, my faith is waning and I am starting to wonder if this trip was ever part of His plan for me. Low support, coupled with a waiting period that seems like it will never end, brings me to a place I rather not be. My spirits are low to say the least. Even though I know that it seemed pretty clear at the time to say yes to the trip, Satan has a tight grip on my mind right now and is trying to convince me that God does not make good on any of His promises....for me at least. I feel like I am on the perpetual side line watching God fulfill promises for everyone but me. Please pray that my mind and attitude would change as I have a very important trip for which I need to be spiritually prepared. Please pray that I will find my peace again and the joy that only God can bring.

I do believe...help my unbelief, lack of faith, attitude that stinks, etc...etc.

Thanks for your prayers and support. Please accept my apologies for this less than uplifting post!

Things that make you go hmmm....

2009-07-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Random Quotes from an Almost Three Year Old

2009-06-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

My niece will be 3 next month. It is hard to believe that she is growing up so fast. Although I miss her as an infant, I love the things that she can say now. She started talking pretty early and has developed quite the little vocabulary. Here are some things that she has to say...

One afternoon last week June 2009
Brooke ( Her Mom): Here Julia Anne, talk to Aunt Karis while I talk to Daddy on the phone.
JA: Hey Aunt Karis. Silence....long silence.
Brooke: JA, why are you not talking to Aunt Karis?
JA: Because she said she was tired of me. ( LIAR!!)

Early Saturday Morning
Cam, JA's dad had taken her to watch the moo cows while Brooke was home tending to chores. Here is JA's observation while watching the bull...

JA: Daddy, what is that down there? It looks like a big potato.
Cam: Silence. ( This is even funnier if you know Cam and his modesty!)

Last Night in the Bathtub

JA apparently was a little gassy after supper.

JA: Mom, I have fireworks coming out of my butt!
Brooke: Laughter.
Brooke: JA, do we say butt?
JA: No, bottom. I have fireworks coming out of my bottom. Ashley says butt.

Some say she acts like her aunt. If that is the case - she will have a fun-filled life with many friends. I remind her grandmother of that often ;)!

Dance! Dance!

2009-06-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

This video is hilarious! I hope you enjoy it and remember to always dance...dance!!

The Chances We Take

2009-06-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I have to take Molaria medication before, during and after my trip to Nicaragua. The major side effects of this medication that you may or may not experience are psychosis and depression.

If psychosis sets in, will I really notice a difference? Ahh, the chances we take.

( Your comments are not welcomed. )

You Just Never Know

2009-05-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

Who you may meet in line in the grocery store, sitting next you on an airplane or, in my case, sitting next to on a lab bench at the University of Florida. I was working there today for the first time. The first time that I have to go to a site can be a bit stressful just because you don't know where you are going and you don't know who you will be working with. Sometimes the roadways throughout a town are complex, other times they are simple. Although my GPS always comes in handy, it does not take into account the medians or closed lanes due to construction. Not only do you have to navigate your way through unfamiliar territory, you also have to establish new working relationships with people who may or may not be happy to see you coming....it's just the nature of what I do. In any case, when you travel on a regular and you strike up the rare, encouraging, just what you need kind of conversation with a random stranger - you get this overwhelming sense that this stranger is no coincidence whatsoever.

This happened to me today. I was working and minding my own business when the other monitor walked into the lab. I did not think much of her at first. We casually started talking about how we had gotten to where we are in our careers, so on and so forth. The entire time that we were talking I could tell that there was something different about her. There was just a genuine concern to really get to know me and the same was true for me. I really wanted to hear about her life. I will spare you all of the pointless details but my point here is this - she was just who I needed to run into today. We had so much in common. She is a little bit older than me but shares the same values, beliefs, jobs and single life. I needed to meet her. I needed to know that other single, professional women exist and feel the same way that I do sometimes. I needed to know that what I occasionally feel is normal and that I am not alone in all of it. I just needed to meet someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.

As I think about this no so "chance" encounter, I began to ask myself - what kind of vibe to I give off? Am I open to truly hearing other people? Am I approachable? Do people know that there is something different in my life? I hope so. I hope to share with others just a little part of me so that they, too, may be encouraged to know that there just so happens to be someone out there that understands.

Protected

2009-05-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
Psalm 91:1 -2

Last week was a week full of surprises - and none of them pleasant. Information that I have received or realizations that I have been forced to come to terms with have been hard to swallow in the past 4 days. However, in the midst of everything, I have so strongly sensed God's protection.

The truth is not always a pretty little gift tied together with a pretty little bow. No matter how ugly the truth may be, though, there is protection and freedom in it. I have found myself asking why so many relate to God as the light of the world when I seem to be making so many decisions to trust Him in blind faith. Some of these decisons were made years ago and some just days ago. No matter how much time has lapsed between now and then, I now understand why God is the true light of the world. God is absolute truth. In time the truth is revealed and all things are made visible. Not only is God the light that we all yearn for and should follow, He is also the light of truth that frees us from our doubts...the what ifs...the quest for a reason. In His time, His light is revealed and the truth of things are made known while resting in the protection of His shadow. He goes before us, loving us and shielding us until we are ready for what He has to reveal.

Part of the Circle

2009-05-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am seeing now, more than ever, that God brings things full circle. Not just in my life but for everyone who trusts Him.

It occurred to me this morning how just several days ago I was pouring my heart out over being single. How badly I wanted to be ok with where I am and watch God bring about the desires of my heart when He so sees fit. Just several days ago I never thought that God could so quickly bring me to a place of being happy right where I am, but He has!

I realized that when I said yes to going to Nicaragua I did not have to ask a husband if he was ok with it. I did not have to think about a boyfriend that I would have to miss while I was gone. I could make the decision based on what I know is right for me and what God has for me. Ahh, the freedom I awakened to this morning!

As God works in me through each trial He is kind to show me how He brings life's struggles full circle. God is generous to give us just enough of the the big picture to press on and know, with certainty, that His plan will be accomplished. Needless to say, I am overwhelmed in this moment of how FAITHFUL God is and how much I need His love in my life.

It's Been Seven Years Since.....

2009-05-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

I last went on a mission trip. My last mission trip was to Asia. I went with a group from the church where I grew up. It was one of the most fun and amazing trips that I have been on. Just take a stroll down memory lane with me for a minute....

Picture it ( just like Sophia on Golden Girls ).... 4 American girls were invited on a boat ride along the Yellow River by our new found Chinese friends. The Yellow River is so nasty that the slightest encounter would corrode an American body in no time flat. Without thinking much about it, we accepted the invitation. I don't know about the other three girls, but I was imagining a large boat with railings and bench seating and a captain to tell you about all of the sites you are beholding as you cruise up the Yellow River. You know - something that they would do in the States.

Moving on....we got directions from our friends and met them at the docks later that evening. I will never forget the looks on the faces of my American friends as we approached "the docks". They were docks alright - consisting of about 10 boards of lumber and something underneath to float them. We started looking around for the big boat with the nice railing and flashing lights. That boat was no where to be found. Instead, there were small white boats that were equivalent to a john boat steered by the motor in the back. We all looked at each other and said, "we have to do this, we cannot offend them and act like we are too good or scared". So, all six of us ( 4 Americans and 2 Chinese) load into one boat. The drivers of the boat were very quick to tell us that we must take 2 boats because "Americans too fat"!

So, my friend and I got out and moved to another boat along with one of the Chinese girls. I believe that our driver sensed my love of speed and adventure and my friend's terror of it. He definitely opted for the adventure. We were speeding up the Yellow River, the water not 3 feet from us. He was whipping us around, creating waves and crashing over them. I would dare say that we were airborne at one point. I don't know what I found more entertaining, the boat ride or my friend's words as she cried out to Jesus to save us! It was a memory that I will treasure forever and know that God does have a plan for the six girls who took a boatride that night because we all survived. The next day we heard on the news that people had died from a boat ride on the Yellow River. Again, I am certain that providence was working in our favor that night!

I hope that you enjoyed that story....now, on to why I am really blogging. I have decided to go to Nicaragua with Grace Church this July to participate in a medical mission trip. I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to get back on the short-term mission field. One might think that God had to really deal with me on this - but the truth of the matter is - He didn't. I have been contemplating whether or not I should participate. I didn't sense a resounding yes or no - I just knew that I would have to sacrifice some family vacation time to fit in the trip with the amount of hours I have accrued at work. And, to be honest, I was just going to let this trip pass me by and I would catch the next one. Grace does several of these trips a year and my thought was - well, once I have accrued more time off next year I will go. God had different plans.

One day last week I received an unexpected email from one of our pastors on staff at the church. I thought to myself, how does he know that I exist and how did he get in contact with me? Looking back on it, I had gone to lunch on Sunday and met someone who had just returned from the April trip. He found out that I was a nurse and only said, "you should consider going sometime". I did not think much about it and went about my week until I received the email stating that the team is in need of at least one more medical professional. When I look back and put the pieces together, I can't say no to what God has clearly already set into motion. Afterall, He has been grooming me for this for quite some time - saying yes when He first proposes the question.

Thought I Would Share

2009-05-08T09:06:00.001-07:00

I receive a verse a day via email. This was my verse for today and I found it really encouraging:

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Ephesians 1:18-19

In Pursuit of What?

2009-05-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

It is so amazing to me how instantly things seem to change when God shows up. I am not talking about the circumstances that surround me or anything physically related to me. I am talking about my heart and mindset. I am completely in awe of the chains that are broken when God reveals Himself.

If you didn't already know - I struggle with the desire to get married. There is so much surrounding this desire that it would take 5 days to list every single detail of the struggle and why I think that God has placed this in my life. The bottom line is this - I struggle with an unfulfilled desire that God has yet to satisfy. I think that we all can find ourselves in that position at some point in life - no matter what that desire may be. For me, singleness/desire to marry has been a very sensitive matter. It has been a point of weakness. If I voice that I actually struggle with being single and the desire to be married - then surely I am weak and lacking something in my spiritual life.

I would not trade my single years for anything, really, I wouldn't. But, this is what I have come to terms with while being single - OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DEALT WITH SINGLENESS DO NOT GET IT!!!! Although that does not sound very humble, I do say that with great humility and the realization that everyone struggles with something.

Moving on....I have dealt with the unhappiness, discontentment, longing, etc, etc that singleness brings for four years now. It has been four years since I have been in a relationship any longer than 4 months. I felt sure that I would be married by now when I painfully ended my last serious relationship. Guess what - I am not. The pursuit of marriage has come to haunt me. It has distracted me and robbed me of my joy for far too long and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

As I was doing my Bible study this morning, God convicted me. EVERYTHING that I have pursued for the past 4 years has been out of the desire to be married. If I move to Wilmington, my husband will show up. If I redefine myself and get involved with church in Wilmington, I will meet my husband. If I move home, I will find my soul mate. If I wrap myself up in the student ministry at Grace, I am bound to meet my husband. I never wanted to admit this, but the truth of the matter is - I have been playing this game with God - if I SERVE you, God, then you give me my husband. I have essentially told God that if I do "this" for you then you owe me a husband and a marriage that will last for all time and I can finally close this chapter in my fairytale kind of life.

Once I finally realized that I have been pursuing marriage harder than God, my heart sank and I approached God with my head sagging. I was disgusted to think that I had been trying to manipulate God all of this time. How much time have I wasted? What blessings have I missed out on? And then, in the silence of my despair, God whispers to me and says - now, you've got it! Let's move on to what else I have for you.

God has spent 4 years....4 YEARS getting me to this point. He has brought me through so many victories in the past 4 years. However, as I would look back I could only see defeat because of the one unfulfilled desire. I have now come to realize that the one unfulfilled desire in my life has completely defeated and disabled me from experiencing everything that God has for me. This does not mean that my desire to be married is any less strong or absent. The desire is still very much present. But, the pursuit, the chase, the need to seize the desire is gone.

What is it that you pursue? What drives you and motivates you to seek God? Is it His unconditional love or His power to provide what you decide will bless you? You see, I had to come to the realization that I wanted marriage more than God. Marriage had become my idol. I am pretty sure that there is a commandment in there that states: " There shall be no other gods before me". What is your idol? What are you chasing? And, most importantly, is it worth more than God?

Revelation

2009-04-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

The word revelation may be a bit too strong to use as a title. Nonetheless, I have had a small revelation and feel the need to blog about it. As I was doing my Bible study this morning and journaling, I realized that God has brought me to a place where I actually don't mind the whole waiting part. He showed me that I just mess things up and that the mess ups are much more emotionally taxing than just waiting on Him. This may sound very elementary and simple to most of you - but this is pretty exciting for me. It has finally clicked!

Isaiah 40:31 says this - "Those who WAIT upon the Lord renew their strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and do not grow tired, they walk and do not grow weary".

I finally believe this.

Days of Old

2009-04-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

I am in the middle of planning my 10 year high school reunion. I thought that it would be marvelous to be class president and have this responsibility one day - don't ask me what I think now :). Seriously, planning this reunion has not been so bad and I have had wonderful help from a fellow classmate!

Since planning has commenced, I have found myself shuffling through old year books and going through and cleaning out things that I have kept for years. I even read through my senior scrapbook a few months ago. Wow...things have CHANGED!

I have been very reminiscent lately. I am trapped in a state of nostalgia that I just can't shake. I find myself almost longing for those simple days to return. I never knew how good I had it. Don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the life that I have now, but life was definitely less stressful 10 years ago.

So, let's take a stroll back to 1999. 10 years ago I was...

Reeling after turning 18 just 3 weeks earlier. I was an official adult...Mom and Dad no longer had any say in what my life would look like - yeah right!
Scrambling to get the pictures in for the senior slide show.
In a horrible relationship.
Eating less than 1000 calories a day and watching my hair fall out.
Preparing for my senior presentation.
Preparing for the end of the year finals.
Preparing for graduation and my speech that I was to deliver.
Anxious about what would lie ahead of me.
Completely miserable to be around because I did not handle life change very well.
So oblivious that the world was not revolving around me.

Now, 10 years older and hopefully a little bit wiser, I would give myself the following advice:

Quit worrying about your weight and your body. It defines way too much of you and leads you down destructive paths.
Don't go to college with a boyfriend.
Don't try to find your husband while you are in college - enjoy every "single"minute of it!
Understand that you are about to enter into the most magical 4 years of your life - you are not living at home, you are getting a great education and you are paying for NOTHING!
Spend less time worrying about pleasing others and truly seek what the Lord has in store for you.
Obey, obey, obey the first time when you finally realize what it is that God wants you to do, ( I still have to work on this one!).
Treasure your family.
Don't let everyone else define you - believe in yourself and the person God so brilliantly created.

I could go on and on. I just wish that I could have by-passed some of the hardest lessons that I had to learn, but I would not be the person that I am today. I am so thankful that God loves me just as much now as He did then. He knew what road I would choose the day that I walked across the stage at my high school graduation. He knew all of my successes, mistakes, heartbreaks and failures - and He loved me anyway. I truly wish that I had grasped that concept then like I do now - I probably would have made some different choices. I only hope that I continue to grow in the knowledge of His love. How comforting it is to see where He has brought me. As I look forward through the lens of my past I am quite encouraged as I wait on what God has for me.

And the Diagnosis Is....

2009-04-15T18:14:00.001-07:00

Litter Box Aversion. No, your eyes do not deceive you. That's right. I paid $200 to have my cat diagnosed with litter box aversion. So, for any of you cat lovers out there who have experienced this...please pass along any helpful tips as to how we get over this. If Emma is not using her litter box by Friday she will be placed on an antidepressant - Elavil - to get her over this hurdle. I may borrow some of her medication to get me over the hump as well :).

So what is litter box aversion, you ask. For some reason Emma has developed some kind of anxiety when approaching her litter box. It could be as complex as small, undetectable crystals in her urine making elimination painful or as simple as she doesn't like how her litter feels or smells. Well, I know my cat and I know how finicky she can be - so I am going to put my money on the latter.

I have been thinking about this all afternoon and am just puzzled by the phenomenon. I mean, I provide food and water for Emma. Her litter box stays clean. What else could I do for a cat? Why is she not happy if her litter box is not "just right"? And to think that she may have to be on Elavil - just to have her use the bathroom. It sounds so crazy to me. But then I realize that I am not really all that different when it comes to life.

A strange correlation, I know. Stay with me on this one...

Since I turned 28 last week I have been taking some serious inventory on my life: where I am , what I have accomplished and what I feel like is missing. From the outside looking in, I have found that my life ROCKS! However, I can so easily become fixated on the few things in my life that are "just not the way that I want them" . There is a sense of entitlement to the "just right life". I can get so caught up in what I don't have that I completely destroy all of the good things in my life with my attitude.

Life is hard when God seems to be withholding any desire. Whether it be finding a husband, the perfect job, having children, keeping your family together, etc, etc - when life does not go as expected we need to be put on Elavil! I struggle with the whole "God's timing" thing. I mean - I think that it is ridiculous to not just give in and give me what I want in that very moment. But then I start to think about how a father doesn't give his child the very first beat- up car that he wants because he knows that in a few years he will get a brand new one for graduation. The father wants the child to have the car that is "just right". You get my drift. And then I think, how much more God wants to give me. He wants me to have a life that is better than "just right". He wants to exceed my expectations. All I have to do on my part is wait...and that is the HARDEST.

I was talking to my very wise friend Alicia today and she made an amazing point - God's word never says that He will remove our desires or withhold them. She said that God asks for our burdens, our anxieties, our battles, but He never asks for our desires. Let that sink in for a minute. God never asks us to sacrifice our desires. How incredible. I do believe that God will change our hearts as long as they are surrendered to Him. Even if our hearts change and put to rest an old desire, we still did not sacrifice it. We finally realize that we just don't want it any more. How freeing is that realization and how awesome is God for loving us that way?

I just need to be reminded, sometimes, that God is for me. He is not against me and my relationship is not a game to Him. My reactions and emotions do not have to be calculated like my next chess move in order to win His favor. Because of the blood of Christ and God's never-ending love, I have more favor with Him than I could ever earn on my own. If I allow myself to bask in that reality - I may never need Elavil :).

A Day Only the Devil Could Conspire

2009-04-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

Whew. It is now 12:15 a.m. Yesterday is finally gone! Just to recount my day...

4:30 a.m. - My alarm clock resonates reminding me that I have a 6:30 flight to catch

5:00 a.m. - I finally roll out of bed

5:25 a.m. - I am gathering my things and headed out of the door when I realize that my cat, Emma, has decided to poop outside of her litter box for the 4th time in a week and a half.

5:27 a.m. - I am chasing an angry kitty around my house who is hissing and trying to bite me if I come near her. I assume it is because she knows just how angry I am.

5:30 a.m. - I noticed that Emma has not used her litter box since I changed it. Of course, being me I personalize it and think that my cat is getting revenge on me for something.

5:33 a.m. - I am finally driving through the gates of my neighborhood to the airport.

6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. - My day is going as planned. Except for the traffic in ATL. But - not such a big deal.

2:30 - 4:30 - I am in the gym and running errands. I receive an interesting phone call with pieces of a missing truth that I have been without. I find myself angry, discouraged, relieved and wondering if one day...just one day - some man may find me worthy enough to take the risk of falling in love with me. But, that is enough. Let your minds wonder.

4:30 - 5:00 - I meet my parents at my house. They are coming over to help me hang pictures, have dinner and work on my taxes because I have been so slack this year and waited until the VERY last minute. My sweet little Emma is still quite irritable with everyone. Mom suspects she is sick. I dismiss it until I read the Internet about her behavior - sure enough, looks like my cat has an urinary tract infection.

5:00 - 5:15 - I am chasing an 18 lb. cat around the house. My parents are manning every open doorway so that she cannot escape into exile where she knows I will never reach her. Finally, after peeing in my closet - Emma emerges and I am able to cage her and get her to the vet.

6:00 - I leave the vet's office without my constant feline companion. She will have lots of tests done tomorrow to determine just how bad the infection may be. Meanwhile, I left Mom and Dad to hang 5 pics while I was gone. Upon my return to the house, they were still working on #1 :).

6:15 - 7:30 - We are still hanging pictures on the wall :). My father is such a perfectionist. I appreciate that about him after the fact but is sure does try this impatient girl's nerves. But, I couldn't ask for a better dad!

7:45 - Finally, off to dinner. We are all hungry. Good food and conversation were ended abruptly by the reminder of unfinished taxes lingering at my house.

8:30 - Dad and I attack the taxes. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I owe SC money. And then, I remember, I have two W-2's from my previous employer - one of which I never bothered to open.

11:45 - After much agony and sweat - the taxes are done. My federal refund is greater. I am now getting a SC return. However, I do owe the Tar Heel State. Oh well - I am out $80 bucks. Better than the $900 that I thought I was going to have to lay down.

Some days are just better than others. Yesterday was definitely an "other".

Rest well blog world....

What I Know of Holy

2009-04-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

This is an Addison Road song that I have fallen in love with......

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of YouWho spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Possibly My New Favorite Holiday

2009-04-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

I have always been a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because of the great food, the reflective spirit and the time that you are able to spend with family. It is a relaxing holiday that focuses on some of the things that I love most - family, food and football.

However, when I woke up today I was more joyful over this Easter Sunday than I have ever been. I woke up with the hope of salvation stirring in my soul. I realized how much I have to be thankful for because of what Christ did for me. In His death and resurrection, I have new life.

Happy Easter!!

WOWSERS.....IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!!!!!!!

2009-04-07T19:56:00.001-07:00

Well, it has been quite some time since I have graced the blog world with my incredible wisdom and insight on life. I am sure that I have been missed and that someone has not felt complete in quite some time because of my silence. Oh my, I am full of myself. Actually, the past 6 months have been so full of overwhelming growth and change that I didn't really know how to wrap words around my experiences. This is what I have been learning in the past 6 months:

God is patient with me.
God does not give up on me.
God loves me more than I can comprehend - even if it hurts sometimes.
God does not tolerate riding the fence.
God is in control of things.
God is all about making sure that my life goes according to His plan.
God orchestrates every single step that I take.
God is good to me.
God is in the details.
God is bigger than anything I will ever endure.
God will have what is His.
God is worth the wait.

I could ramble on and on but I just have learned so much about God and how He loves His children in the past 6 months. Nothing has gone according to my plan and I feel like I have encountered one personal defeat after another. I am left with nothing to offer back to God other than myself - all the while forgetting that I am all He wants. He will do the rest.

It's Been A While....

2008-11-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has been a while since I have posted anything substantive on my blog. For all of you who hang on to my every word...please accept my apology and understand that what has been going through my mind the past several weeks has no business being posted!

My last blog was very vague and meaningless. I just felt the need to post something so that everyone would know that I am still alive and kicking. In the past weeks I have allowed my circumstances to dominate my thoughts and actions. Please know that I am well and thankful that God loves me and tolerates my "karis" moments way more than anyone should ever have to.

Now....why I am really on here....

The election has caused me to ponder many of my beliefs and why I believe what I do. I have even struggled through this election asking the question of whether or not my beliefs should have any thing to do with my decision of who I would vote for. I struggled through this because I really felt like I had to choose the lesser of two evils no matter who my choice was.

As I thought through all of this I was more and more convicted of why the things I believe should be the foundation for my choice. I finally came to this conclusion....if I don't take a stand on homosexuality and abortion, why should the economy even matter? If I don't take a stand for what I hold to be TRUTH in my life, then what are our troops fighting for? If I don't somehow acknowledge our Creator in my choice then why does it matter what our source of energy is for this country? If I choose to leave my beliefs out of this election then I choose to reject the God on whom our country was founded and has so unashamedly dismissed.

I have been awakened to the power that my choice has. Although the majority of America did not agree with my choice last night, I will still hold tight to what I believe. I find great comfort in knowing that while our President will change in January, I serve a God who will not. I serve a God who spoke this election year into being and I serve a God who will extinguish time when He sees fit. I have been awakened to the highest calling that I have...the call of Christ. It is more apparent to me now than ever before how imperative it is that people know the TRUTH. The world has deluded truth for far too long. As we enter into the next four years of American history, let us rise to challenge that has presented itself and truly offer America "change that we can believe in".

A Long Silence

2008-10-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

I have been silent for almost a month. It has been a very interesting month, indeed. When I am quiet you should wonder!

I feel like the last month has been nothing but one trial after another. With some of the trials I have been very strong and feel like I am doing exactly what I need to. Other trials I have failed miserably and am just thankful that God is so patient with me and even uses my failure in order to protect me from myself.

My silence has been a result of just working things out. As you can see, my blog is definitely a sounding board for my spiritual life and struggles. I am thankful that God has the big picture in mind because, quite frankly, I feel as though I am on the verge of spinning out of control.

A Thanful Aunt

2008-09-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

When my days start completely chaotic I don't know why I am ever surprised by the chaos that will follow. Today was definitely a day that I would not like to repeat.

My family has season tickets for the Clemson games. We all tailgate and enjoy being together on game days. Today was the 4th home game in a row. The journey to the game began with a niece who had wet her pants. Julia Anne is potty trained, but we still have some accidents every now and then. So, we got Julia Anne all cleaned up at my house before leaving Piedmont for Clemson. I got half way to Easley and realized that I had forgotten my ticket....you know what that means. After Cam and Brooke waited for me for about 20 minutes, we were finally on the way.

Julia Anne absolutely loves the games. She loves cheering and being in the middle of all the action. As Brooke, my sister, was going to get her out of the car, Julia Anne had propped up against the car door and fell face first as the door was opened. It was a nasty fall. So, we ended up in the ER in Seneca to make sure that there was no serious damage done. Staying true to her nature, Julia Anne was a champ and is ok. She walked away with some scratches and bruises, but we are expecting a full recovery.

As I waited in the waiting room while the doctors examined her, I was crippled with fear and anxiety. Seeing and hearing the fall was one of the scariest things that I have witnessed in a while. I immediately just asked for God's peace and provision concerning Julia Anne.

I am so thankful that Julia Anne is ok and that God loves us so tenderly. God met me there in the waiting room. The fear did not disappear, but His peace was sufficient. I am so grateful to serve a God who meets us right where we are and continually picks us up, even after some of the nastiest falls.

I Love the Book!

2008-09-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned last week I am reading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Wow, what a book this has been! God's timing is impeccable. I couldn't have read this book at a better time. Not only is the book hitting me square between the eyes, messages that I am hearing at church are also aligning with what I am reading. What are the chances?

Here are a few things that I have been learning lately:

This thing called life, it is not about me. It is about where I fit into God's story. I know that you are probably thinking, "Duh, Karis...about time you caught on". I have always had a head knowledge of this, but I have never had a heart humble enough to enter into God's story. I have always wanted to be in God's will so that my desires come to fruition. I think I am getting it...this life of mine was God breathed...and I need to just go with the His flow and allow my desires to become secondary to and shaped by God.
Now that I have FINALLY realized that God has a purpose for me in His story, I am much more free to really experience life. It is already worked out, all I have to do is be on board.
No matter how much pain and suffering I may have to endure, the ultimate goal is joy, true joy that can only be found in Christ. God will allow me to suffer until I am ultimately satisfied by Him.
Letting go of all of the dreams that I had for myself has ushered in more joy than hanging on to what I wanted. Instead of cramming my life full of chaos, I am finding that peace and rest come much more naturally.
If I allow God to shape my desires, my hope in Him will only grow. I want the kind of hope that hopes beyond the impossible...the kind of hope that Christ carried on His way to the Cross.

I am truly humbled as I reflect over everything that God has done for me and how little I deserve His gifts. I am enjoying this season of joy, peace and rest.

Just a Suggestion

2008-09-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

Every month my mom picks up the Journey magazine for me from her church. I love that she does this for me. It is nothing big, but it is just so thoughtful on her part. I look so forward to the new magazine every month. There were several articles that really got me last month. In one of the articles the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb was referenced. So, I thought that I would check the book out.

I read an excerpt of the book online and really liked what I was reading. I picked it up from the bookstore today. I have only read one chapter, but I am anxious to crawl into bed tonight and read even more. I have already been challenged in the first chapter as the author shares why he chose to write the book. The book is based on the story of Naomi out of the book of Ruth. I am excited to see how Crabb will explore how God used Naomi's broken dreams to bring about a deeper, purer joy.

I chose to read this book now because I feel like God has blessed me so much recently. Not that my life is all that different, I just feel God changing my heart and shaping my desires to look more like His. Yes, there are still unfilled dreams/desires that I am waiting for God to work out, but He has really brought me to a place of rest and contentment. I feel like now is the best time to accept my "shattered dreams" and truly reflect on all that God is doing in my life.

So, when you get the time, pick up Journey Magazine for quick, daily devotionals and Shattered Dreams for a challenging read.

Needing to Belong

2008-09-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

Since being back in Greenville, finding a home church has become a top priority of mine. I spent some time praying about where God wanted me before I even moved home. There were several churches that ran through my mind, but after visiting and more prayer, I feel that God is leading me to Grace Church.

Grace is a non-denominational church that was started in a home in 1995. It has grown to over 2000 members. The number of members is not what impresses me about Grace. The feeling of community despite the number of people is what draws me to Grace. Grace teaches the Bible and is concerned with disciplining it's members. Grace, so far, seems to be just what I need.

As I have attended Grace for the past few weeks I have connected with some great girls. It is totally God. It is an answer to prayer. As I have gotten to know these girls I have been reminded of how much I missed feeling like I belonged somewhere. I have missed the feeling of true fellowship and a sense of family among a body of believers. I have missed having a "home" church. It is funny to look back to the time when I was deciding to move home. My love for the church in Wilmington was really a stumbling block to me following God back to Greenville. Although I attended church regularly in Wilmington and loved the church, I never felt at home. It is incredible to see God piecing things together for me now that I have made the move. God is faithful!

Tonight I attended an informational class about the membership process at Grace. Joining Grace is quite a process unlike anything to which I am accustomed. Joining Grace involves a four week class that introduces you to the core concepts on which Grace was founded. At the end of the four weeks it will be my decision whether or not I will join. As you can probably tell, I am 99% certain that I will join. I am so excited about the possibilities that await. I am looking forward to belonging, fellowshipping and feeling like I am home, truly home again.

I Need Lifetime

2008-08-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

I am about to disclose a very important detail about me that you may find shocking-I LOVE THE GOLDEN GIRLS! I watch the Golden Girls every morning from 9 to 10 and every afternoon from 4 to 5. Watching the Golden Girls is as much a part of my day as is breathing. I love that show! I am dying this week-the hotel DOES NOT have Lifetime and I am forced to watch Girlicous on the CW because the only other thing on is the Democratic National Convention. So, when you think that my traveling lifestyle is so glamorous, just know that I don't always get Golden Girls.

I am bored....

2008-08-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

I would like to pose a question....

If a car is a buick, has a handicap tag and white heads hovering in the front, should the car be allowed on the road?

I vote no.

Test Results

2008-08-21T08:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the big day...the day of the stress test. And, as you would know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my heart. It was actually pretty cool to look up on the screen and see such a healthy heart and to listen as it beat in perfect rhythm. Our bodies are truly amazing creations.

So if nothing is wrong with my heart, what is the problem you ask. And the answer is-MY HEAD! Now that I know, for certain, that nothing is wrong with my heart I can only attribute all of this heart fluttering to stress and the mind games I play with myself. I am so thankful that nothing is wrong, but how do I fix my head?

God had to shake me up a little and let my heart go a little crazy for me to realize that I worry WAY too much. I always tell others not to worry, that everything will be ok. While I believe such is true for others, I don't believe it for myself. I believe this may be a problem with a little thing called CONTROL! Friends tell me that I always seemed so composed and seem like I have my life together. I always laugh at this perception because inside I feel as though I am a complete wreck, never knowing which end is up. For a long time I have relished in the fact that I am a mess. If I am a mess, then poor choices and living life the way I want to is acceptable, right? It is only those folks who have never encountered diappointment, heartbreak or devastation that "really" have it all together and figured out. Bah-ha-ha! Does anyone really "have it together"?

I know that the questions that I have raised are completely rhetorical. Putting the answers into practice is what is I find difficult. How do I relinquish control of my thoughts? How do I choose not to believe something? Sometimes, how do I know the difference between what is true and what is not? The only solution that answers all of these questions is trusting in the One who NEVER changes...who never exists on a whim.....the One who is TRUTH and the One who has gone BEFORE me.

So, here's to a new, chilled-out, hippie kinda Karis. That's right folks, I am heading in the direction of a worry-free life. I am learning to rest in the Truth.

Airport Observations

2008-08-19T13:50:00.001-07:00

As I sit in the airport for 3 hours, I have time to do a lot of pointless things-such as blog about what I typically observe in an airport.

Men, especially middle to old age, pick their nose as though it is an Olympic sport.
Children are not disciplined as I see fit.
Most non-Americans are rather fragrant.
There is a significant difference between the walking speed of vacationers and business travelers.
Business travelers are easily frustrated by the vacationers for 2 reasons: 1) They walk too slow and 2) They are actually traveling for fun.
Men are men, no matter what age...they will look at boobs and butts of the opposite sex without any shame.
Flight agents are not bad people.
Some people just don't know how to dress and don't care. Wish I could experience that freedom.

I am sure that I could list more, but I really need to write a report. Ta-ta for now!

Please Tell Me What This Means...

2008-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I had this dream last week. It was quite bizarre and I don't even know how to interpret the meaning of it. It was quite entertaining, so I will share it with all of my fellow bloggers....

Here is a little background information....
I work in clinical reasearch. Although I do not actively recruit patients to participate, I am involved with all of my sites to help them develop strategies for recruitment. The studies that I work on do not offer monitary rewards for participating, but some studies do. I am in the middle of a job change and have had work on my mind a lot. I also had 2 doctors' appointments last week. I always dread going to the doctor in fear of what I may find out. So, moving on to my dream.

I walk into the cardiologist's office. They have a game board the size of a conference table set up. At the very end of the very colorful game board is CANCUN in bright letters. I am curiously checking everything out when the nurse asks me, "Would you like to play?". I am not a big gamer in reality, but in my dream I said, "Sure, what are the rules?". The nurse proceeds to hand me a handful of dice. Each one had a point on them. She told me that I had to at least roll a 12 in order to go to Cancun. Well, in my dream she handed me like 24 dice, so I was thinking, shoot I have this one in the bag. So, as I walked to the table, the nurse placed a bright green lamp shade on my head with oranges all over it. She said, "you have to wear this when rolling the dice!". So, I conceded and dumped all of the dice on the table and, of course, I rolled greater than 12. Just as I was ready to claim my Cancun vacation she told me that I had to give a vial of blood for a research trial that was taking place at the office. I agreed as if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the coercive manner which she used to get my compliance. Then, I woke up.

I know, this is a really random post telling the story of a really random dream. I have thought about this dream and laughed, so I hope that you will find it humorous, too. If you have any insight into my psyche, please, feel free to share :).

Just Call Me Phoebe

2008-08-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

You know when you have a group of really good girlfriends and you have all been friends for a really long time, sooner or later you start to identify with characters on televsion? Some of the characters are from shows such as The Golden Girls, Friends, Sex and the City.... so on and so on. Well, my friends from college always referred to me as Phoebe from Friends. I don't know if I take kindly to this, but I have to admit, I can be a little cooky like Phoebe and off the wall at times.

Well, this week I feel like I have been living out a Friends episode. If you are not familiar with the show, you will probably be bored by this. Anyway, the episode that I am referring to is the "What If" episode. The gang sits around and speculates on what life would've been like if they had taken different paths 5 years earlier. I can't remember much about the episode other than the fact that Phoebe was projected as a highly successful business woman with heart problems. I never thought that I would identify with her in this area, but this week I did.

Tuesday was my first visit to the cardiologist. I have been experiencing heart palpitations for about 10 months. I believe that all of these flutters and flips are related to stress. I tend to internalize far too many things and when I am especially stressed or hung up on something in particular, my heart goes crazy. After 10 months of having these feelings off and on I decided that it may be smart to explore the cause of these palpitations. So, next Wednesday I will have a stress test and echocardiogram done. Yes, this 27 year old will be hooked up to a 12-lead EKG on the treadmill. I am not too concerned and will be glad to have solid evidence that nothing is wrong with me...well, nothing is wrong with my heart at least!

It is amazing what stress can do to your body.

All About the Little Things

2008-08-11T20:37:00.001-07:00

Today was just one of those days where I just needed to go to Pickens, hang out with Mom, Dad and Tanner and just chill. There is something very safe and tranquil about being in the house that you grew up in with the people who love you most. My soul just needed the little things today.

As I was walking this evening I was reminded of how much the little things matter. I was thinking about a conversation that I had with a good friend not too long ago. Her belief that God would heal her little boy of cancer convicted me of how little I trust and believe God. I was sharing that with her and she said...you know, Karis, you trust God every night that when you go to bed you will wake up. You trust that the sun will rise and that your life will go on. In the grand scheme of things....those are huge. If you didn't wake up you would no longer be here and if the sun did not rise, we would cease to exist. She went on to say...if I can trust God for my next breath and believe that tomorrow will happen, then surely I can believe that my son will be ok. (And her son is completely cancer free and a living miracle and example of God's faithfulness!) I have thought about that a lot and tonight, on my walk, I thought about her words again. So, I began to think through all of the things that I have and how faithful God is to provide in EVERY area of my life. See, this is kind of a big deal to me because I so easily fall into Satan's trap of believing that if God has not answered me in just ONE area of my life, then God is not worthy of my trust. I can be such an idiot...and I am so grateful that God can handle it! I am also very thankful that God continues to teach me these things about myself.

God just shows up all the time...in the little things. He met me right where I was in Pickens, SC. I encourage you to take time to enjoy the little things because eventually we will all learn that they are really what life is all about!

Probably the Most Honest Post Ever

2008-08-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the Big Guy is up to in my life. I guess if I had to label it I would call it refinement. There is nothing easy about the refining process. It involves some kind of catalyst to bring about the final product. When refining silver, fire is used to bring about the purest shine. Well, my friends, I believe God has been using fire with me. The only problem is, I am still waiting on the shine. Here is a run-down of the past 2 months of my life.

May 19th-I return to Greenville. I am excited to be moving home because I know that Greenville is where God is leading me. Why does God need me in Greenville? Well, I wasn't sure then and I am even more unsure now!

Beginning of June 2008-I meet this guy. We hit it off. I am enjoying dating and getting to know him. I am on cloud nine...this must be God rewarding my obedience in moving home, right?

End of June 2008-I am growing weary of this guy ( I only realize this in hind sight), but I keep ignoring those feelings. I am having too much fun and it is way too nice to have someone to talk to every night...especially while on the road.

Beginning of July 2008-The guy ends things with me. I am sad. I begin to wonder what God is up to. Must've been wrong about the whole reward thing, right?

Middle of July 2008-The guy calls back. Let's be friends. We can be friends, can't we? Maybe this is God giving me a 2nd chance....why should those weary feelings matter anyway?

End of July 2008-We can't be friends and I have very little respect left for the guy. Not the result I was going for.

August 2008- Left to sort all of the above out in my mind....

AND, that is where you find me now. Trying to sort out the why....why God chooses to do things the way that He does. Or, better yet, try to discern why God allows us to be so us for so long.

While July was not exactly a good month for me in the guy department, it has proven to be a great month for me in the self-actualization department. I have learned so much about myself that is in dire need of change.

I have not fine-tuned God's voice in my life. If I had heeded the warning of my soul at the very first sign of trouble, my heart would've been way more protected. I second guessed the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and chose immediate gratification. Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what God's whispers sound like. It is up to me to listen the first time, next time. GULP!
I live in the past and future, not the present. God's word tells us in Matthew not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of it's own. God also tells us to lay our burdens on Him because His load is easy. I could go on and on as to why I should never worry about the future and regret the past, but the truth of the matter is that I do. I live in a world of regret and lose hope for the future....not a good way to do things, at all! So, now, I am trying to take things day by day. And, in the moments where I am able to do that...they are much lighter and I find myself enjoying right where I am-in the grip of God's grace for that very moment.
Trust-I am always brought back to the amount of trust that I lack. God is all over me about trusting Him and I know that the past 2 months happened the way that they did so that I can and will learn to trust God more. Trust....God will get it out of me one way or another.
Contentment. God is teaching me to be content in Him regardless of my circumstances. I am such an honest and emotional person. I dwell on my feelings for days and days and exhaust myself. Well, God has convicted me to suck it up. Those were the exact words that He laid on my heart. After I stopped feeling sorry for my single self, my days have gotten a lot better. Contentment. In God. Completely. It is possible and I will get there...with His help!

So, the journey continues. At the end of August I will be changing companies. I will still be working from my home in Greenville and traveling, but the travel should be much more manageable. This, indeed, is an answered prayer. I am excited to have this opportunity and know that God has provided.

As for dating and boys....well, all I can do is wait...and enjoy this ever so gifted present that I am living in!

MIA

2008-08-06T18:21:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have been missinging in action for the past month. Not to fear....I am A-ok and trucking along. I don't have much to report at the moment. Stay tuned...I will be back!

God Is Faithful!

2008-07-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

This journey that we call life can really throw you some curve balls. I feel like I have been dodging quite a few over the past few years. I think that the truth of the matter is that I have finally resigned my life to God's control and His idea of a life for me is nothing that I would ever imagine.

I was driving to meet a friend Wednesday night for dinner listening to the radio. A christian song came on that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I don't know the artist, the title or too many of the words. All I know is that God spoke to me so clearly in my car that I had to catch my breath. The song was speaking to how God loves us. I was so convicted of how resistant I am to God's love. In a very gentle spirit God asked me to allow Him to love on me the way that HE saw fit.

I have always equated God's love with blessings. I have always been a control freak in regards to getting what I want. When God has intervened in the past, I always get angry and see God as taking things away from me...not protecting me and preserving me to receive the best that He has to offer. God spoke to me so gently, yet so clearly. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to repent and learn to receive God's love no matter what it looked like.

Later that night after returning home from dinner I prayed and asked God to open my mind and allow His will to consume me. I have been struggling in a certain area of my life with what I needed to do. I asked God to reveal to me all that I needed to know, no matter how hard it would be, so that I could make a sound decision and know that I was in His will. Man, did God answer me the very next night. God is faithful. Although my circumstances may not be what I would have chosen, nor do I really enjoy them, God spoke very clearly revealing His will to me. God has left room for no question and I now see that He has been protecting me all along. I am so thankful that I serve a God that can save me from myself. I am so thankful to serve a God that knows my heart better than I do. I am so thankful to serve a God who gives and takes away as He sees fit so that we are communion with Him.

God is so faithful to those who seek to know His will and His truth. It is amazing what God will reveal to you and the methods He chooses to use. I am thankful for God's protection and patience with me. I have fallen more in love with God as I have allowed Him to love on me. The way that God loves His children is astonishing. We serve a loving, patient, mighty God who orchestrates every detail of our lives.

I Just Don't Get It...

2008-07-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

Phil. 4:7 has been permeating my heart over the past week. This verse is part of one of my most favorite passages in the Bible. Phil 4:7 tells us that the peace of God, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Not until recently have I experienced such peace in my heart. Not until recently have I been forced to trust God enough to allow myself to move past my understanding into His safe abiding.

I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.

God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.

I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.

Struggle

2008-07-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like the only word to describe my life is struggle. I seem to struggle with a variety of different things, but I especially STRUGGLE with letting go. It has recently occurred to me, through the rebuke of a dear friend, that my idea of letting go and God's idea are not the same thing.

I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.

As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.

When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.

As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.

It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.

When the Going Gets Good...

2008-06-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am realizing more and more that I have major....MAJOR trust issues. Not so much of others, but of God and myself. Why is it that when life is really good it is so much harder to trust that you are where God wants you? Why is it that I find myself so much more in-tune to God when my life is a wreck? Why am I so hesitant to the good that He seems to be offering me?

These questions have been surfacing all day for me. I would like to say that I am just a mental case and that be that. But, the truth is that all of these questions, all of my fear, stems from a heart problem...a problem with trusting God during the good and bad. God calls us to a much higher standard. He equips us with everything that we need in order to trust Him completely. He gives us minds to discern His will and hearts that are sensitive to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. So, why is trust so hard?

For me, trusting God completely requires total vulnerability. I have worked so hard for many years to control outcomes and build walls of protection around my heart. My hard work has not paid off . I am finding it is much easier to build those walls than to allow God to break them down. I find it so frustrating because I don't even know how I got here. But, then again, I do. I am where I am because I have spent years in disobedience to God's instructions. I know now, more than ever, that God does not instruct us to bind us to a certain set of rules-God provides direction so that we are protected from ourselves.

As I think through all of this I am lovingly reminded to turn off my mind and tune into my heart. For it is there, with the lover of my soul, that I will learn to trust.

Continued Blessings and One Proud Sister

2008-06-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, Emily fussed at me because I have not updated my blog in quite some time. So, for all of you that are hanging on to my every word, here it is...just kidding...I am not that important!

Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.

You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.

I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.

Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.

An Interesting Conversation

2008-05-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

As I flew home tonight I found myself in the middle of such an interesting conversation. The gentleman sitting beside me was probably close to 50. He was telling me about his family and somehow we stumbled into the gas crises that is currently hindering our world. Come to find out, he is an electrical engineer working in Spartanburg. He has been doing research on the world's energy consumption. The more he spoke of his research, the more fascinated I became. He was speaking about how we, as Americans, have not really increased the amount of energy that we consume each year. However, the more populated, poorer countries that have historically used less energy, are beginning to use more and more. He stated that this was due to the desire to have the "American" lifestyle...the lifestyle where things are easier and more accessible.

I have been thinking about how easy the "American" lifestyle is. Would things be different in current America if everything had not been so "easy"? After all, my generation is the generation of immediate gratification. I don't know what it is like to wonder if I will eat any more than rice each day or if my parents will have enough money to send me to school so that I have an education. There is so much that I have taken for granted that my parents so readily and lovingly provided. The security of a meal each night. The warmth of a bath...even when I didn't want to take one...a mattress and pillow to sleep on every night. All of these provisions became expectations of what is normal. What if I didn't have all of those things...how different would my life have been? Would I have been motivated to strive for more? Would I have even known that there was more?

As I ponder the great luxuries that became everyday expectations growing up, I am struck by how limited my view of what "real" life is all about. How fortunate I have been to have my most basic needs met...and how quickly I would surely parish had they not been. I am thankful to have grown up with the "American" lifestyle, but convicted of how much I have taken for granted. I am rambling on and on...just thought that I would share my thoughts....

Just One of Those Days

2008-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

So little time, so much to do....please tell me that someone else gets overwhelmed by everyday life!

I think that I am coming to a harsh realization...life, daily life, is HARD! Do you ever find yourself wondering if your job will ever get better and allow you to enjoy life? Do you ever wonder if your house will look just like you want it to...not because of decoration or lack thereof...I mean, just have the laundry folded, the carpet vacuumed and the toilets cleaned? Life has been really crazy for me since moving back into a house that is all mine to take care of. I love it. I love being home. But, I do have to admit that living in someone else's home for 2 years erased my memory of what being a homeowner meant. I find myself dreaming...if I only had 2 weeks here...with nothing to do...that would be the life.

Even though I have had one of those days for the past week and a half, I still find that I am happy. Obviously I am not happy because of everything around me, I am happy because of what lives in my heart and the joy that is produced. If it weren't for the presence of Christ in my life I would be a miserable person. I am so thankful that in the midst of everyday yuck, God is so beautiful. I have found that if I take just a moment to reflect on who He is, my perspective changes. Now, I must confess....I do this A LOT during a day's time!

All in all, I believe that God is teaching me to just rest in Him when I feel that rest is no where in site. God is allowing me to feel stretched so thin so that only He may revive my spirit. I am just so thankful for how He teaches me things. As we head into the end of this week I wish you all a restful weekend in Him!

Peace, Grace and Mercy

2008-05-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well, if you have been reading my blog since the beginning, I am sure that you are all too aware of the fact that I was moving back to South Carolina. I am very happy to tell you that I am back in South Carolina and, most importantly, I am home!!!

In the weeks leading up to the move, I became very apprehensive of why I was so CALLED back to South Carolina. Wilmington was feeling more and more like home the longer that I stayed there. Even though there were so many things about Wilmington that I did not like, the pros were definitely outweighing the cons. Everyone kept asking why I was moving. The only reasons I had for moving was that it was right and was what God was calling me to do. Those answers do not satisfy most people. Everyone wanted to know if I had a different job, a new man or any other good reason to move away from a completely comfortable life in Wilmington. The more others asked the question of me, the more I asked the same of God. In the midst of all the questioning, though, I still had a complete peace about my decision. That peace, the peace that only comes from the Father, is what sustained me and kept me on track. I am so thankful for the peace that only God can give. You can't wrap words around it, you can only experience it and you can only experience when you are right, smack-dab in the middle of obedience.

God is just so good. He knew that I would go through all of the emotions that I did in the immediate weeks prior to moving. His grace was more than sufficient as I cried on late night flights or in my hotel room at night. His grace was comfort. Although I was sad that I had to leave my friends and life in Wilmington, it was only by His grace that I had joy in those very difficult and lonely times.

God always, always provides what we need right when we need it. It was just last Monday that I was thinking about leaving and all that I had to do to be prepared for the move. I was at a low point, wondering if my friendships that I left behind 2 years ago would be the same. I wondered if I would be lonelier than before I left South Carolina. I had indeed changed, so I know that my friends had too. I was just worried that I would have no friends. If you know me well, you know that I love friends and cherish all of my relationships. God was not surprised by all of the fears that were being perpetuated by Satan's lies. I opened up my email that night and saw an invitation to Supper Club. Before I moved to Wilmington, a group of girls would meet for supper club once or twice a month. I believe that Supper Club kind of fizzled and this was an attempt at kicking it off again. This may seem very insignificant to you, but in that moment I felt God's mercy engulf me. He gently whispered to me..."I will never leave you or forsake you...I love you."

Now that the move is complete and I am back in my home, I am really surprised by how easy everything has been. The time leading up to me leaving Wilmington was the hardest. I am excited to see what God has planned for me. But, as I walk away from this experience, I walk away a completely different woman. God has forever changed my heart.

If you feel God calling you to the impossible...go for it! You will never be sorry and you will learn to love and trust God in big and mighty ways.

So Thankful for Good Friends

2008-04-30T21:59:00.001-07:00

I am traveling this week...what's new, right? Anywho, I am in Nashville and then on to New Orleans by the end of the week. I really love coming to Nashville. The city has a great to feel to it and there is a lot to see and do. The see and do part I don't really get to take part in because I am always working. I also have great friends that live just outside of Nashville. Ashley and Darren were friends of mine at Clemson and it is always so nice to spend time with them when I am here.

Tonight was an extra special treat. I was able to have dinner with Ashley and Darren at their house and then we went for ice cream. Having ice cream is something that Ashley and I would have never done in college because we were way too concerned with our figures. The funny thing is, now that we do enjoy a scoop here and there, we probably look way better than we did in college :). After we enjoyed our ice cream we just hang out at their house and spent time catching up. The time that I spent with them tonight was literally 5 hours of home for me...and that means so much when I am on the road so often. And, thanks to Darren, I know have 1000+ songs on my ipod and I am super excited and thankful for that! Thanks Darren!!!

In such a time of personal transition I become very reflective....hence the blog! As I think about the friends that I have made throughout my life, I have come to realize how extremely blessed I am to have such great people in my life. As I think about moving back to SC I am saddened most by the thought of leaving those friends that I have come to hold so dear. If you are a Wilmington peep - thank you for having such a huge part in my life. You have no idea how instrumental you have been in my life. Thanks for sharing a lot of good times, belly-busting laughs and painful hurts. You guys are unconditional and unwavering and I love you so much! I am grateful that you all are staying in Wilmington because you know that this beach bum can't stay away for too long! I look forward to all of the things that lie ahead for us all.

And, for those of you who have known me for years....
Thank you for your support and love even when you were mumbling under your breath "what is she thinking?". God has blessed me so much throughout my life because of your friendship. If you are in SC, I look forward to reconnecting and seeing you as much as I want to! You may have to tell me to go away.

I know that this blog may seem rather cheesy, but, as I left Ashely and Darren's tonight I couldn't help but think - I have to blog about my wonderful friends. I don't tell you enough how thankful I am to have you as part of my life.

I forgot to say this...

2008-04-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

I think that Jimmy Carter just needs to shut up and stay in Atlanta. He is not on the ballot! Ok...that is the only political opinion I will share.

Who Will You Choose?

2008-04-28T16:14:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in the Charlotte airport. I have a 2 and 1/2 hour delay. There is a man in the corner of the club where I wait who is speaking very loudly on the phone. I cannot tell if he is foreign or Elmer Fudd's brother. It is quite entertaining considering that I have nothing better to do than to sit here and blog about it.

On a more serious note...
CNN is the only channel that the club will broadcast so I am constantly reminded of the state of our country. I have never really been too interested in politics until this year. I am not more interested, really, I am just scared to death for the future of our country. As I sit, watch and learn about the candidates who may be up for election, my concern only grows. It is quite a helpless feeling to know that in November I will be voting for the lesser evil. I am not especially fond of any candidate, so this is not my political banner to endorse a particular person. This is, though, my plea for you to pray, earnestly pray for our country. Gas prices are ridiculous, resources are limited and no one in congress can agree on anything. Please join me in praying for our country so that we will return to unity and ultimately to God.

The Countdown is On

2008-04-27T20:13:00.001-07:00

So, if you keep up with me on Facebook, you will see that I have officially started counting the days to when I move back to SC. I know that I talk about this A LOT, but, let's be honest...I don't have much more to talk about. Anyhow, getting back to the countdown...I am 20 days away from moving back to SC.

As always, when God leads us to certain crossroads in life the decision is ultimately ours to make. He will always provide the right way, but because he loves us, he never forces us...he gently allows us to make the decision. Historically speaking, I usually choose to go against God. God has to deal with me until the point of misery before I give up my selfish ambitions. Once I reach the point of being exasperated by living life on my own, I feel defeated and abandoned. Deep down I know that I am the only one to blame for the way that I am feeling, but many times I am angry with God because he let me go there again. How many times have I said this-HOW FOOLISH CAN I BE?

Oh, how the decision to move home has forever transformed me!!! I am so filled with JOY, true JOY as I write this. I am so in awe of God and how he loves me. As I have said before, I really struggled with the decision of moving home. When I moved to Wilmington in 2006 I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing what God wanted me to do. In 2006 my life was a mess...a mess that I had created. A mess that was left behind after many failed relationships and a heap of heartbreak. For those of you who really knew me at that point in time, I now understand why the move to Wilmington seemed so bizarre and so not God's plan. But, I knew that I had to move to Wilmington so that God could deal with me, even though I really didn't want him to do anything. There was nothing special about Wilmington (other than a job) but God needed me to be alone. Really alone...no family within an hour and no friends that have known me for 20 years. Wilmington brought me into a completely dependent relationship with God. Wilmington brought me into a relationship where God was God.

As I look back over the past two years of my life, I am so grateful that God brought me to Wilmington so that he could take away every comfort that I was familiar with and love me back to spiritual health. The last 2 years have been the hardest years that I have experienced. I moved away with great expectations of what Wilmington could do for me. And, to be quite honest, God was no where in those expectations. I was moving to Wilmington to make good money, to reinvent myself and to find a man. Within 2 months of moving to Wilmington I quickly began to understand that what I was looking for in Wilmington was not what I was meant to find. I continued to fight God. I continued to try and live life my way and on my own terms. If I pursued God at all it was only so I could tell my parents I went to church on Sundays. This blatant denial of God finally brought me to my knees to the point that I was paralyzed by my the toxicity of my soul. When I couldn't loathe myself any more, I became aware of God's loving presence in my life, little by little. I could rant and rave about all the details that God has allowed to seep through my life, but there just isn't enough time. But, as I reminisce, I can see the tapestry woven by those details in spite of my poor decisions or defiant spirit.

The past 2 years have not been about me loving God the way that every "good" Christian should. The past two years have been about allowing myself to experience God's love so that I could start loving him in return. The truth is, I cannot love God the way that he deserves to be loved...but, he can have me...all of me...and that is the kind of love that he desires.

A Hug and A Kiss

2008-04-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

Whenever you read this, if you can, stop...find those you love...tell them and then hug and kiss them. I found out today that one of my dear friends, Joan, lost her husband yesterday, unexpectedly. You just never know when your time is up. So, make the best of what you have and who you are. Love often and unconditionally. And, never, ever forget to tell those who mean so much that you love them.

Please pray for Joan and her family as they learn to re-define normal after this very tragic turn of events.

Ain't No Place Like Home

2008-04-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

To all of my fellow Carolinians....take a moment to look around, take a deep breath and appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds you.

I have, unfortunately, been in Iowa for the last two days. As soon as you step off of the plane, you wonder if a cow was hit during the landing. The air is thick with animal smells here. And, to be quite frank, it is not pleasant. The smell is just something that I cannot get used to as it slaps me across the face each time I step outdoors.

Ok, so it smells bad, but, it is the Midwest and it should be green. Nope. Think again. It is flat and not so green. It is more or less a brown. You would hope that the sunshine would make up for it, but from my experience...nope....it doesn't. The only redeeming quality Iowa has is the people that live here. I have never met a Midwesterner that is not pleasant. If I lived here I think that I would be a miserable mess because there are no mountains. There is no beach. There is just flat smelliness.

I have been traveling for close to 2 years now with my job. I have come to appreciate the Carolinas and the landscape that they have to offer. There truly just ain't no place like home!!

Blessings

2008-04-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I have the tendency to always wonder why God is blessing other people and seemingly forgetting all about me. I have been quite convicted of this lately because I have been the one who has been defining the blessings. I have not allowed God to just be God in my life and bestow HIS blessings in HIS timing. Upon realizing this, I have started to look at EVERYTHING about my life in such a new light.

I was comparing my life with everyone else around me. Of course I am not going to be happy with MY life when I am trying to live EVERYONE else's...oh the pressure I put on myself. I have found a new freedom in just resting in God and he really has rocked my world. I just want to share about what He has been up to in my life....

As I have written before, I am moving home to Greenville, SC next month - WOO HOO!! I have grown so excited about moving home. My excitement is a miracle in and of itself! Last month I was really dreading the move because all I could think about was what I am leaving behind in Wilmington. God, in his mercy and grace, has allowed a lot of positive and some painful things to happen in the last 4 weeks that have only fed my excitement and affirmed to me that He is in control of this move.

First of all, I have been wondering how I am going to afford May. I have a house payment and rent payment to make. I could dip into my savings, but why do that if I don't have to? Last week I discovered that I would receive a reward from the company that I work for because I referred a new employee. The reward was monetary and was just shy of what I would owe for my rent for May. Oh, how my God provides!

Last but not least, I travel with my job. Most of the time my travel is not overwhelming...I can travel 1-2 nights a week and have most of the week at home working. Well, during the next 5 weeks leading up to my move, I will only be home maybe one day each week. This is a little unsettling because I do wonder how I am going to get everything packed up, but, it dawned on me that this is a huge blessing. Right now I live a street back from the beach. The weather should get warmer in the next few weeks and the beach will be calling my name. I love the beach and it is going to be so hard to leave it....especially when I can see and hear it every day that I am home. God, in his wisdom, filled my calendar with travel so that I become more and more accustomed to not being in Wilmington right before I move. But, in his love and kindness, he did sneak a few days in there so that I can spend them soaking in the sun and saying my good-byes to those who have come to mean so much to me in Wilmington.

Surprises are always the best because you can never expect them. I have come to realize that blessings are even better because they are from God and he always, always exceeds my expectations. Even though I don't have everything that I think I want or need, even though moving away will be a sacrifice on my part, God is blessing my obedience to him...and I haven't even moved yet!!!! He is making himself so clear to me that I am falling more and more in love with him and trusting him more each day.

I challenge you to look for the hidden blessings in your life. If you are constantly waiting on God to accomplish in your life what you want, please, take a moment and let God show you what he wants from you. You will be amazed and overly joyed by all that he will do in and through you. We serve an awesome and mighty God!

PS...If you are looking for a good read, pick up THE SHACK by William P. Young. You will not be able to put it down and it will change the way that you think about God.

Numbness....is it really necessary?

2008-03-31T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it is good to be back. I was down with the flu for a week. Apparently I infected my computer because it crashed on me and we were seperated for a week. I was lost, but it was nice. I took a real break from the computer and surprisingly did not miss it all that much. It is good to be back in the land of technology, though : ).

Every day I receive a Bible verse via email. Today's verse was so simple, yet so powerful....

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."Exodus 14:14

I always, always equate being still with being numb. I often wonder if stillness and numbness can co-exist or does one perpetuate the other? As I have thought about this - A LOT - I have come to realize that, for me, they can't co-exist and one definitely does not perpetuate the other. In fact, numbness hinders stillness. Let me explain...

When I think of being "still" before God, I think of peace. The peace that comes from trusting Him. The peace that comes from believing, really, truly believing that He will accomplish in you all the things for which you were created. Being "still" before God is when faith and hope collide and you are at peace with waiting on God. Let me mention that I am not there yet, which brings me to my next thought....

When I am numb, ( as I am now and far too often), I CHOOSE to allow my emotions to dominate my faith. When I live in the faith, when I choose to believe, I am at peace. My soul is still. Sometimes it is easier to digress back to what you are most familiar with. For me, that is numbness. It has been a trend in my life that when I truly invest emotions or hope in a situation that I end up hurt and devastated. I have developed the coping mechanism of pushing all emotions out and believing that not feeling anything will protect me from everything. Oh, how I rob myself of the life that God intends for me to live...of the hope that only He can offer. How sinful can I be?

I am brought to tears as I ponder the numb existence to which I have become so accustomed. Even though I am at a point in life where I don't want to be, nor do I understand what God is doing, I will choose to trust that God's plan is perfect. In Him I am free to hope. Free to dream. Free to feel.

Just Look At Me

2008-03-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I cannot take credit for the title of my blog today. The title is inspired from the message that I heard at church earlier today.

So much of this life is not understood. Philosophers and great thinkers alike have tried to put meaning behind what we are here for and why everything works the way that it does. The truth of the matter, for me at least, is that we are all clueless. None of us have anything figured out. How much freedom we would find if we would toss the insecurity of our image to the side and live focused on God-the only person who does know what is going on.

"Just look at me" really made an impression in my heart today. You see, in about 21/2 months I will be returning to South Carolina. This decision has been made for quite some time. I am still in Wilmington because I am fulfilling the commitment that I made to my roommate when we moved in. I am excited about being back home, but I am dreading leaving Wilmington. I have made fascinating friends here. The friends that I have made will be life-long. I have grown so much as a person here. The two years that I have spent here will forever serve as a major transformation for me that was much needed when I arrived in Wilmington. The environment is beautiful here. I am a beach lover and Wilmington fulfills that part of me. There is so much about Wilmington that I am going to miss.

As Mike, our pastor said today, all you can do is stay focused on God and who he is. He doesn't want us to have everything figured out. He wants us to trust him and have faith in what he is doing in our lives because, like every life experience, the purpose is to teach us something. Perhaps he needs to show us just how strong we are when we are fully dependent on him. Maybe he needs to show me that even though I don't want to do something, when he asks and I obey, there is so much more peace of mind. The decision to leave Wilmington was hard. I fought with God for months or maybe I just ignored him, but because of his faithfulness, I know that I am moving home at the perfect time. As Mike taught today, I have to just look at him. Even though I do not understand what he is doing, I must look at him. He knows what joys or what hurts lie ahead. But, as I look only to him, in obedience, he will take care of the rest. What assurance we have as we place our trust in him.

Twirty

2008-03-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

My friend Mandi turned 30 today. She is one amazing woman and has become a good friend of mine here in Wilmington. She is one of the most laid-back people that I know. Nothing really gets to her. Turning 30 did not really bother her too much. She said that the only thing that really hit home was that she could no longer say that she was twenty-something. So, being the good friend that I am, I suggested that, when asked for her age, she repsond with "twirty". It will throw everyone for a loop and she really does not have to explain that she is thirty because everyone will still be looking at her as though she has a speech impediment.

There is something so "official" about 30. What does 30 look like for you? I know that for me it has always looked like a husband, maybe a child, a good job and a wonderful home. The closer that I get to 30 the more I realize that my life may not include some or any of those things that I mentioned. I am three years away from the big 3-0 and I often ask myself, will I be ok if I am not married-I know that I will be ok without children? Will I be ok if I don't have the 5,000 square foot home? Will I be ok-period? How foolish I can be. Don't I know that life takes care of itself and, more importantly, isn't there a plan for my life?

All of these questions bring to surface a much deeper issue-peace with where I am NOW. Does it really matter where I will be in 3 years. How about where I am now? Am I making the most of my life as it is? I thought about these things a lot over the course of today and realized, for the first time in a long time, that I am happy-yes happy-with my life. Honestly, there is no other place in life that I rather be than right where I am. You see, I couldn't imagine being married right now because God has not revealed to me the man with whom I will spend my life. I am happy to not have a child right now because I know that I am just not ready. I am not willing to make room for that in my life right now. Furthermore, I would be a single mother and parenting is just something that I really prefer to do with a partner. I am happy that I don't have my huge house-I am not broke. I can buy the clothes that I want and visit the places that I wish. Being one of the only single girls left out of all of my friends and, now, one of the only ones to not have children, I have learned that what I want is not necessarily what I need. And, when I submit my desires to God, He changes them. Unfulfilled desires can produce so much more joy than those desires that I so selfishly pursue. There is the power of NOW. I have become a believer.

Please don't get me wrong. I look toward the future with hope and anticipation of what God is going to do. I just must have the understanding that it may look nothing like what I have ever pictured. So, as for now, I will not think about "twirty". I will enjoy my 20's-what is left of them- and, when asked my age, relish in the fact that I can still say "twenty-________". I am going to experience the joy and the power of NOW!

What I Am About

2008-03-05T20:43:00.001-08:00

So, this will be my first lengthy blog entry - all about who I am and what I am about. I often think about posting this kind of information on my Facebook, but I am hesitant because I am afraid that I won't be as candid and real about who I am. Facebook tends to be a fascade of who I wish I could be....shhh....that is a BIG secret of mine....not really. Anyway, I decided to create a blogspot so that I could freely be me. I also figure that whoever reads this probably already knows me and knows how "karis" I can be. So, here goes.....

Where do I start? I have this problem with telling you a little bit more about myself than you would ever want to know. For example, while running my nipples become erect. Not because I am excited or cold, but because running is sometimes excrutiating for me and even my nipples are pleading for me to stop. See, you didn't expect that did you? But, you are laughing!! Hey, it's part of nature...nipples get hard!

Seriously, there are so many layers to my personality that it is quite difficult to wrap words around who I am. I am a middle child. I am a woman. I am a professional. I am independent. I am compassionate. I am true to my word. I am naive, at times, by choice. I am loyal. I am passionate. I am wild. I am crazy. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. I love to do things for others. I love to cook, bake and eat. I love Clemson. I love Clemson football. I love my family. I love to exercise. I hope. I dream. I am, I love, I do....you fill in the blank, but, does that really depict who I am? Probably not.

I suppose that the best place to start is to define what I believe. Actually, what I believe should define me a lot more than I sometimes allow it to. I believe that everyone has to believe in something. Everyone wishes to express faith in something. We are made this way. To think that you don't believe in anything or have faith is, in my mind, foolish. It took me a long time to grasp what it is to truly believe and why I believe what I do. What I believe does not come from what my parents think I should be or the latest trend that society advertises. What I believe comes from a transformation of my mind and heart that can only be accomplished through Jesus Christ.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that Jesus died for the sins of every man and woman so that we may know God, the Father. Being so bold in this declaration is very hard for me. Once you believe in something you are to exhibit certain traits and qualities and behaviors. This is the point that I probably owe many of you reading this an apology because, if you never knew this about me, you are missing out on the most important part of who I am. I am not perfect. I struggle-everyday. Some days are worse than others. I make poor decisions. I have regrets. I have hurts. I have desires. I have dreams. I am just like anyone else, only I have a relationship with Christ who loves me beyond all of the hurts, dreams, regrets and desires that I will ever have. I have never experienced such love as this and I would be remiss not to tell you about it. Please find Christ. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He will never leave you or forsake you. If you don't believe me-take a chance and believe in Him and find out for yourself.

Now that you know the MOST important thing about me-here is a little bit more of a glimpse of what I feel makes me who I am...

My family is wonderful and loving. My family is also wonderfully frustrating at times. But, they are so much a part of me that I truly don't know who I would be without them. My parents are wonderful. Their love for me is astonishing-I can be quite a hand-full! My parents are unwaivering and consisitent. I have truly had some of the best role models in my parents. I am the middle of three. I love that I am a middle child. I tell everyone that I am the most well-adjusted of all of the Sharpe children. Brooke and Tanner may disagree, but it would not be the first time. Brooke is my older sister. She is, to me, perfect in every way. She would not think so highly of herself. I admire Brooke because she ALWAYS does what is right-always. I am not like that, so much. The right way just eventually has to catch up with me before I get myself into too much trouble. And then, there is Tanner. Tanner is, in a lot of ways, my confidante. I can tell Tanner anything and he just understands. I love that about him. I miss my family. For the past 2 years I have not lived near them. Soon, I will be back in South Carolina and closer to them and I am looking forward to it.

My friends are very important to me. I have always been someone who takes it VERY personal if someone does not like me. I try to treat others the way that I would want to be treated. This trait has served me well because I have the best friends in the world. They bring me laughter, challenge me, support me and love me. What more could you ask for? I love my friends-plain and simple.

Ok, I have rambled E-NUFF. I hope that by now you can somewhat grasp what I am truly about and what is important to me. Stay tuned....I will keep you updated on this crazy life of mine in hopes of bringing you much laughter and limited insight!!!

Just Getting Started

2008-03-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am just starting to figure all of this out. That is all that I have to say at this time.