Possibly the First Day of My New Beginning

Every day I get a Bible verse via email. Here is today's:
"And I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do now know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone."
Isaiah 42:16
This verse is a comforting reminder no matter what day you receive it. But, today is kind of a big day for me. As I have stated in an earlier post, I believe that God is directing me to return to school for a Masters Degree in Nurse Practitioner. Today is the day that I take my first step in the process of returning back to school. At 12 pm today I will take the GRE. I know, just a formality...hopefully :). However, I am not a test-taker. I get anxiety and second-guess every answer, even if I know that I am correct. Tests were a daunting task for me in my undergrad work. So, needless to say, I have been dreading today like the plague.

God knows His children so intimately well. Not only was I reassured of His plan for me through the verse that I received today, He also further affirmed Himself to me through my devotion ( 90 Days with A Heart Like His by Beth Moore - a study of David ). Today's devotion was all about getting started with what God has planned for us. Here is just a little background:

Key Verses: 1 Chronicles 22:11-19
David had already appointed Solomon as king and Solomon had taken over the throne of Israel. David spent the last year or two of his life watching and guiding Solomon's reign and it was time to build the tabernacle that would house the Ark of the Covenant...one of Solomon's most important charges from God during his time as king. Verses 18 - 19, "Is not the Lord your God with you? Has he not given you rest on every side? For He has given the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the Lord and before His people. Now set your heart and your soul to seek the Lord your God; arise, therefore, and build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord, and the holy vessels of God into the house that is to be built for the name of the Lord.

Don't be confused, God is not calling me to build a tabernacle but He is calling me to step out in faith and into a career that is to be used to honor and glorify Him. I am incredibly humbled and comforted that the God of all creation met with me this morning to encourage me to do His work. I now have no anxiety about this test and am confident that God will equip me to do see His work through to completion. Oh, how great is His love for us. Not only did He sacrifice His son so that we may not experience what we deserve, He loves us so much as to meet with me over a cup of coffee and a devotional book to cheer me on for the plans that He has for me. I do not have adequate words to articulate the joy and peace that this great love brings.

Update....2010 Thus Far

As you read in my earlier post, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in November. Staying true to her faith and character, Mom faced her diagnosis with courage and grace and underwent a double mastectomy on Jan 4 of this year. January 4 had been looming over the Sharpe family for about a month as we knew what was ahead for Mom and our family. Quite frankly, the month of December was a complete blur to me. I spent most of the month numb and just doing what I had to do to maintain my job and responsibilities that life brings every day. December was full of doctor visits with Mom, processing the information that was being presented and trying not to allow fear to dominate my mind and emotions. I have never been so thankful for my precious family as I was during this past Holiday Season. We have always been close but God definitely used this diagnosis to knit us even closer together as a family and closer to Him.

Staying true to it's nature , time came and went as did January 4. Mom came through her surgery resoundingly well and welcomed recovery as her new normal. Despite Mom's tremendous progress during the first two weeks post surgery we did face a bump in the road. Mom's skin was not healing on her right side and if something was not done she could face infection and a longer road of reconstruction. Mom had a skin graft done on January 20 and once again handled the surgery like a champ! As of today, Mom is recovering nicely and taking each new day as it comes. The entire process for reconstruction will take anywhere from 9 months to a year. Thank you for all of the prayers for Mom. We, as a family, believe from the bottom of our hearts that it is your prayers that have carried us as a family and sustained Mom during such an emotional time in our lives.

As I have reflected over this bittersweet time, I have found one thing to be true: A grateful heart will bring about great things. Mom has demonstrated a spirit of gratitude throughout this entire process. It is hard for me, as her daughter, to wrap my mind around why my mother should be chosen to endure yet another cancer diaganosis and a surgery that will forever change her body. However, Mom's attitude was one that did not ask why but chose to be thankful for every good thing that was to come out of this situation. The following passage came to mind the week of her diagnosis and continues to penetrate my heart when clouds of doubt roll in:
"Rejoice in the Lord always: again I will say rejoice! Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

So many good things have resulted from one hard, challenging trial that God has placed in front of my mother.
1. Mom has a deeper faith and understanding of how God has protected her throughout this entire process. He has used this time to draw her even closer to Him. I really didn't know that was possilbe because if you knew my mom one word you may use to describe her would be saint.
2. From the outside looking in, my parents' relationship has been enriched and they have learned to love each other in a completely new way. My dad has been an incredible nurse and has definitely sacrificed a lot to be by my mother's side throughout this time. The sweetest thing is that he would not call it sacrifice.
3. Mom and Dad have been loved on by so many people. It is evident how much my mother is loved in her community and church family. The outpour of others' love has been breathtaking. Mom and Dad had a meal provided for them almost every night for the past month.
4. On a personal note and after much grace and time to process what the next steps of my life will be, I now know, with complete clarity, that I will be returning to patient care eventually. I am in the process of applying to graduate school for the Nurse Practioner program. I am very excited about this possiblity and am excited to see what God chooses to do with me.

It is with a grateful heart that I close today's post. Stay tuned....

Too Much on One Plate

I find myself starting each new blog with an apology for not updating frequently enough. I don't know why I feel the need to do such a thing. It is not like I have a following of more than 2 people. But, to the 2 of you who keep up with me - I am sorry for not updating my blog sooner. Needless to say, it has been quite a journey since my last post.

Where to begin....
Fall is a tremendously busy time for me every year. School starts. Clemson football season tickets. Leaves changing. Absorbing every last drop of nice weather. Travel with job. Family time. Time with friends. All important. All consuming every last minute of my time. When I get busy I get distracted. I find it hard to focus on much of anything - especially those things that require my attention and heart on a daily basis.

God has a funny way of reigning me back in. He is constantly proving to me how little control I have over my life. He continues to be faithful and I am humbled by His sovereignty. Just when I had decided I was done living in Greenville and it was time to make a move again because my life has not changed He boldly affirmed to me that He knows what He is doing and that He has it under control! The Friday before Thanksgiving the Sharpe family was hit with the devastating news that my mother had breast cancer again. Mom was diagnosed with DCIS - which is the BEST diagnosis to get - after being cancer free for 11 years. After many tests, prayers and additional diagnoses, Mom will be undergoing bilateral mastectomy at the beginning of the year. It was not an easy decision to reach but all parties involved feel that this is in Mom's best interest and it is the decision with which she finds most peace. I just have to chuckle because I was ready to begin exploring the possibilities of alternative places to live just 3 days before learning about Mom's cancer. I have struggled intermittently with why God has me back in Greenville when there are so many other places to live. I do love Greenville but I was becoming restless and ready to take life into my own hands when part of God's plan and reasoning was unravelled before me. I am confident that Mom's diagnosis serves as a primary reason that I am right here in Greenville. I have been able to attend every doctor's appointment with her and help her process all of the information that has been given to her. I am right where I need to be.

So often I grow so weary and uneasy with my life. Some days are a constant battle and I wonder if I will ever see change. I also experience days when I know that I am right where I need to be. I just wish that it didn't take a cancer diagnosis for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not in control and that this life just really is not about me. God's plans are perfect.

There have been several other stresses in my life recently that I will not bore you with. However, in all these things I have found that a thankful heart makes each trial so much more bearable. Yes, God does have the power to change any circumstance and I am puzzled, at times, as to why He has not chosen to change mine. But, where would I be in the midst of these circumstances without Him and His power to change them. In Him is where I place my hope. In Him is where I place my trust. Without these circumstances I don't know if this hard-headed girl would have ever learned how to hope or trust Him. I am not in control.

Sometime Words Just Aren't Enough

It has been a great month. God just keeps showing up in big ways. I have never experienced a time in life where I KNOW that God is at work and I am ok with what He is trying to do. Here some highlights of what has been happening:

As I was struggling with what my life was supposed to look like without idolizing my desire to get married, I was growing more and more frustrated. I journaled on August 28, "God, I want to give you this. I want you to be first. I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I am so frustrated. I am confused as to what this is all supposed to look like. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN A BIG WAY!". That evening I was attending the Beth Moore simulcast here in town. The theme of the weekend was Psalm 37:4. "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I think God heard me and He, indeed, showed Himself to me in a big way. Beth Moore said during the conference that sometimes you need an event to permanently change you. That weekend was my event. I heard God tell me that it is ok to want to get married and that I should not be struggling so hard. He wants to give me the desires of my heart but He cannot do that until it is time. In the meantime, I have resolved to asking Him what He needs from me so that He is glorified and my destiny is fulfilled. I have experienced such freedom since that weekend.

The very next weekend I went to Hilton Head with some of my friends from church. I went to Nicaragua with two of the girls. The other two girls are part of a Bible study that I am in. Everyone did not know each other. It was such a great weekend. By the end, it was as though we had all been friends for years. I can't explain to you how honored I am to know these girls and be a part of their lives. The more amazing thing is - they allow me to share part of my life with them as well. I am truly thankful for friendships that God knits together. There is nothing like it.

On a light-hearted note, I have come to know God's sense of humor beyond the fact that He thought it was a good idea to create me. In Nicaragua we were awakened by pesky roosters every morning. I don't know what it was, but the crow of a rooster there did not sound the same as it does here at home. Well, I had fun with this all week and even earned a superlative on the trip because of my severe disdain for these animals. Moving along...I was at Cleveland Park walking the Friday that we were leaving for Hilton Head. This is nothing new - I have been there 100's of times. As I was approaching the equestrian center in the park I heard a rooster crow twice. I was stopped in my tracks and just started laughing. I have never heard a rooster in that park before - NEVER! God just reminded me that He laughs with us and at us all of the time. He is the author of humor and I am so thankful for the personality with which He has entrusted me. It was a gentle reminder that He longs to be with me. He does not need me in the middle of crisis or struggle to show Himself. God became so much more personal to me on that day.

Am I Not Enough?

I find myself asking this question a lot. I wonder why things are the way that they are and the same question always come to mind - am I not enough? Today I felt God asking me this question. Karis, am I not enough for you?

Prior to leaving for Nicaragua, I had this overwhelming sense that I was about to enter into something that was so much bigger than myself. I felt the Holy Spirit preparing me and inviting me to truly engage in what God had for my life. If you had asked me then exactly what that looked like I would have told you, with complete certainty, that God was calling me to a foreign mission field and I needed to send in my resignation and pack my bags - this was it! Well, I am glad that I thought these things prior to leaving for Nicaragua. And, I am sure that God really appreciates me dictating what He has for me. But, to my defense, I was so completely overwhelmed that I did not know what else He could be calling me to. Moving on...as the week went on in Nicaragua I knew that, for right now, the mission field is not where God wants me. So, if not the mission field, then what? I began to focus on my career and how that needs to change. And, I am still convinced that my career will not always look like it does now, but I do know that I am right where I need to be for the moment. So, if He is not calling me to missions and He is not asking for an immediate career change, then what does He want?
As I have been back from Nicaragua and pondering what God is trying to do in my life, I have been doing a short devotion every day on David. I really felt like this was the devotion that God led me to and found myself pouring out my heart every day about my desire for marriage and what that is meant to look like. Well, today it hit me square between the eyes what that desire is supposed to look like-a sacrifice. It is supposed to be sacrificially laid on the altar for God to do with it whatever He chooses. GULP! I am beginning to see that part of what God was calling me to prior to Nicaragua involves giving Him my dreams. I have to give God the authority to change my desires. Instead of telling God that I am believing Him for marriage, God convicted me that I must believe Him to bring about His plan for my life and somehow my desires will begin to mirror what He has for me, not what I have for me.
Do you know how afraid I am right now? This is scary business. God has very clearly shown me through His word that I am not entitled to my dreams. He has convicted me that although marriage is not a bad desire to have, I must lay it before Him to do with it what He will. You see, I was holding on to this desire thinking that it was ok for me to trust God with it as long as He does not change it. That is not trusting God the way that He calls us to trust Him. When He called the disciples, He told them to abandon everything...EVERYTHING! And the more shocking part is that they did it and look how it changed the world.
I honestly can't imagine my life without the desire for marriage as a part of it but I do know that I must abandon it. God is asking for it. If He is to have all of me, He is to have all of my hopes and my dreams. But, in turn, He is inviting me to a life where He promises that He is enough. I am encouraged by His Word. In Genesis, right before Abraham bound Isaac to the altar Abraham spoke with such faith as he assured his son that God would provide. It was not until Isaac was on the altar that God provided. In Psalm 103 God tells us that He makes everything work out right and just as a father has compassion on his children so does God for those who fear Him. From these verses I know that God will provide for me what I need based on His plan and that He understands me and He is compassionate with me. Sacrificially living your life out for God is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But, take it from this control freak - it is soooo worth it!

For Such A Time As This....

I cannot begin to express how perfect God's timing was for me. God placed me in Nicaragua just when I needed to be there most. The trip was an amazing experience and upon my return home I experienced many bittersweet emotions. Being away from everyday life here in the States presents you with the opportunity to recognize what is most important and reaffirm just how desperate we all are for a Savior.

Here is a recap from the trip....



This picture was taken at the clinic the first Sunday that we were in Nicaragua. After attending church that morning we spent our afternoon setting up the pharmacy at the clinic.



The picture above is the fruit of our labor Sunday afternoon. We were ready to see patients beginning at 8 a.m. the next morning.



Every morning we would circle up to pray as we started our day. In Nicaragua it is common practice for everyone to pray out loud at the same time. Although I could not bring myself to pray out loud I did find myself listening to the sound of English and Spanish speakers praying to God at one time. It was such an incredible experience to witness the power of prayer and to be humbled by how big our God is. He is so big that no matter what your native language is - He understands. He created each of the lives in that circle and knew when time began that we would be standing in Nicaragua together. It was quite a humbling experience.



As a patient entered the clinic some of our team would triage them prior to seeing the doctor. Two doctors were with us on the trip. Dr. Hoffman was with our group from Grace Church and Dra. Aracelis was the Nicaraguan doctor serving with us. The doctors demeanor with the patients and their devotion to seeing every patient was inspiring to watch. After the patients saw the doctor they were led to the tents behind the clinic(which is pictured above)to be presented with the Gospel. The tents were right outside of the windows in the pharmacy. While working to fill the prescriptions we could hear the Nicaraguans praying over everyone who came through the clinic. There were many professions of faith and re dedications. It was a moving experience to hear words that I could not understand while sensing completely that the Holy Spirit was present in those tents behind our clinic.



This is a picture of the tents in front of the clinic where the patients would wait for their medications. The team in Nicaragua on staff with Christ for the City International would do health care teaching as we were filling the prescriptions.



Here is our wonderful pharmacy team. We filled an average of 3-4 prescriptions per patient and saw 320 patients in four days. It was hard work but so rewarding. None of the pharmacy team had never worked in a pharmacy on a mission trip. The first day was tough but we finally got our system down by the end of the day on Tuesday. I was responsible for signing off on each prescription that went out of the pharmacy and for the oversight of the pharmacy. I was totally inadequate for the job but God worked through me to get the job done.





We also had a construction team with us that helped to lay a floor in the church. Two women, Kelly and Jillian, spent everyday with the children playing. All-in-all you could say that the white people attracted a crowd!

If you would like to see all the pictures from the trip you can go to http://disfrutalo.shutterfly.com. Each team member has downloaded their photos for everyone to share.

As I have had time to process all that God has done in my heart I have taken the following away from my experience:

1. As Christians, we are part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The world that we live in is not reality no matter how much we become enslaved to it. Passively living out our Christian faith is not what God calls us to. It is not what Jesus demonstrated in the Gospels and it will never wins souls for the Kingdom. I sensed the feeling of the overwhelming power of God in Nicaragua more than I have in my entire life. God revealed to me just how imperative it is that I understand that being a Christian means to deny myself daily and rest in the all encompassing power of who He is and what He longs to do in my life.

2. Life cannot be fragmented. We can't just give God part of ourselves. He wants everything. As I worked in the pharmacy and was surrounded by patients again, I realized that God gave me a heart to care about others. He gave me the desire to put my hands on people and comfort them. If I am not using the gift that He has given me in my career then I am not glorifying Him completely with my life. I am now exploring what is next for me and my career and am ready to move when God reveals to me my next step.

3. My obedience to God's plan must be my primary concern for the rest of my life. God must, MUST be my first priority. If He is not first then life will always be out of order. Once I submitted my will to Him it was freeing to realize how all my other desires became secondary to Him. I realized that my desires for marriage and a fulfilling career are not wrong - they are how He blesses me. But, I have been in the way. My career or a future spouse will never sustain the weight of my expectations. Only God can do that for me. When He is first everything else looks so much better.

Reality Check

I leave Saturday for Nicaragua and it really bothers me to know that my last post would've been about my lack of faith. Hence today's post...

I have had several reality checks since my last blog. I just thought that I would share some of my heart with you.
Here are things that I have learned in the past week and a half:

1. When you think that God is not providing - think again. I had a little temper tantrum with God last week when I was traveling with work. The truth of the matter is, I was just angry with God for not providing the entire amount for my trip. I was in the middle of my tyraid when He very strongly reminded me of three things: A) I have a job, a very good job that exceeds my needs and provides me financial opportunities to do things like go on a mission trip with little to no financial burden. I should receive this job with humility because it is from Him and other people would give anything to even have a job right now. WOW - that one hit me HARD! B) God did provide for me in the way that I originally asked Him to when I said yes to this trip. I have said, from the beginning, that if I raise half of the money for the trip I will be ok if I have to pay the other half. God provided five dollars more than half of my trip. Again, I was very humbled by this realization. I also realized that I put God in a box in the very beginning. I told Him how much to provide for me and then when I thought that it wasn't enough I started to complain and became angry at how unfaithful God seemed. My attitude was wrong and I wasn't ready to budge. Finally, C) When sin is present and you stubbornly settle into it you lose all of the security of who God is and what He is really doing in your life. I refused to believe that my feelings toward God were wrong. My attitude and actions portrayed this and I allowed the distance between God and me to become more and more. Guess what, Satan was accomplishing the very thing that he had set out to do 2 weeks prior to me leaving on a mission trip. I was more determined not to let Satan win than to stay mad at God and bask in my rotten attitude.

2. As much as I thought that I was prepared for Satan's attacks, I wasn't. I fell right into his schemes just as he wanted. I wasn't in the Word and definitely wasn't on my knees like I needed to be. I felt like I could handle it if I knew that it was coming. But Satan is much more shrewd than I am. He has managed to attack every insecurity that I have and then some. Satan definitely had the upper hand until one day I stopped and asked God for wisdom and freedom from the mind games. It is funny how a prayer so simple can bring such freedom and clarity.

I am excited to be leaving for Nicaragua in less than 48 hours. I am believing God that this trip will bring true life change and a much needed shift in perspective. Please be in prayer for our team as we will be gone starting July 25 and returning August 2. I anticipate great things and am looking forward to seeing how God is working in different parts of our world.