I am realizing more and more that I have major....MAJOR trust issues. Not so much of others, but of God and myself. Why is it that when life is really good it is so much harder to trust that you are where God wants you? Why is it that I find myself so much more in-tune to God when my life is a wreck? Why am I so hesitant to the good that He seems to be offering me?
These questions have been surfacing all day for me. I would like to say that I am just a mental case and that be that. But, the truth is that all of these questions, all of my fear, stems from a heart problem...a problem with trusting God during the good and bad. God calls us to a much higher standard. He equips us with everything that we need in order to trust Him completely. He gives us minds to discern His will and hearts that are sensitive to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. So, why is trust so hard?
For me, trusting God completely requires total vulnerability. I have worked so hard for many years to control outcomes and build walls of protection around my heart. My hard work has not paid off . I am finding it is much easier to build those walls than to allow God to break them down. I find it so frustrating because I don't even know how I got here. But, then again, I do. I am where I am because I have spent years in disobedience to God's instructions. I know now, more than ever, that God does not instruct us to bind us to a certain set of rules-God provides direction so that we are protected from ourselves.
As I think through all of this I am lovingly reminded to turn off my mind and tune into my heart. For it is there, with the lover of my soul, that I will learn to trust.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Continued Blessings and One Proud Sister
So, Emily fussed at me because I have not updated my blog in quite some time. So, for all of you that are hanging on to my every word, here it is...just kidding...I am not that important!
Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.
You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.
I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.
Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.
Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.
You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.
I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.
Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)