Sometime Words Just Aren't Enough

It has been a great month. God just keeps showing up in big ways. I have never experienced a time in life where I KNOW that God is at work and I am ok with what He is trying to do. Here some highlights of what has been happening:

As I was struggling with what my life was supposed to look like without idolizing my desire to get married, I was growing more and more frustrated. I journaled on August 28, "God, I want to give you this. I want you to be first. I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I am so frustrated. I am confused as to what this is all supposed to look like. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN A BIG WAY!". That evening I was attending the Beth Moore simulcast here in town. The theme of the weekend was Psalm 37:4. "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I think God heard me and He, indeed, showed Himself to me in a big way. Beth Moore said during the conference that sometimes you need an event to permanently change you. That weekend was my event. I heard God tell me that it is ok to want to get married and that I should not be struggling so hard. He wants to give me the desires of my heart but He cannot do that until it is time. In the meantime, I have resolved to asking Him what He needs from me so that He is glorified and my destiny is fulfilled. I have experienced such freedom since that weekend.

The very next weekend I went to Hilton Head with some of my friends from church. I went to Nicaragua with two of the girls. The other two girls are part of a Bible study that I am in. Everyone did not know each other. It was such a great weekend. By the end, it was as though we had all been friends for years. I can't explain to you how honored I am to know these girls and be a part of their lives. The more amazing thing is - they allow me to share part of my life with them as well. I am truly thankful for friendships that God knits together. There is nothing like it.

On a light-hearted note, I have come to know God's sense of humor beyond the fact that He thought it was a good idea to create me. In Nicaragua we were awakened by pesky roosters every morning. I don't know what it was, but the crow of a rooster there did not sound the same as it does here at home. Well, I had fun with this all week and even earned a superlative on the trip because of my severe disdain for these animals. Moving along...I was at Cleveland Park walking the Friday that we were leaving for Hilton Head. This is nothing new - I have been there 100's of times. As I was approaching the equestrian center in the park I heard a rooster crow twice. I was stopped in my tracks and just started laughing. I have never heard a rooster in that park before - NEVER! God just reminded me that He laughs with us and at us all of the time. He is the author of humor and I am so thankful for the personality with which He has entrusted me. It was a gentle reminder that He longs to be with me. He does not need me in the middle of crisis or struggle to show Himself. God became so much more personal to me on that day.

Am I Not Enough?

I find myself asking this question a lot. I wonder why things are the way that they are and the same question always come to mind - am I not enough? Today I felt God asking me this question. Karis, am I not enough for you?

Prior to leaving for Nicaragua, I had this overwhelming sense that I was about to enter into something that was so much bigger than myself. I felt the Holy Spirit preparing me and inviting me to truly engage in what God had for my life. If you had asked me then exactly what that looked like I would have told you, with complete certainty, that God was calling me to a foreign mission field and I needed to send in my resignation and pack my bags - this was it! Well, I am glad that I thought these things prior to leaving for Nicaragua. And, I am sure that God really appreciates me dictating what He has for me. But, to my defense, I was so completely overwhelmed that I did not know what else He could be calling me to. Moving on...as the week went on in Nicaragua I knew that, for right now, the mission field is not where God wants me. So, if not the mission field, then what? I began to focus on my career and how that needs to change. And, I am still convinced that my career will not always look like it does now, but I do know that I am right where I need to be for the moment. So, if He is not calling me to missions and He is not asking for an immediate career change, then what does He want?
As I have been back from Nicaragua and pondering what God is trying to do in my life, I have been doing a short devotion every day on David. I really felt like this was the devotion that God led me to and found myself pouring out my heart every day about my desire for marriage and what that is meant to look like. Well, today it hit me square between the eyes what that desire is supposed to look like-a sacrifice. It is supposed to be sacrificially laid on the altar for God to do with it whatever He chooses. GULP! I am beginning to see that part of what God was calling me to prior to Nicaragua involves giving Him my dreams. I have to give God the authority to change my desires. Instead of telling God that I am believing Him for marriage, God convicted me that I must believe Him to bring about His plan for my life and somehow my desires will begin to mirror what He has for me, not what I have for me.
Do you know how afraid I am right now? This is scary business. God has very clearly shown me through His word that I am not entitled to my dreams. He has convicted me that although marriage is not a bad desire to have, I must lay it before Him to do with it what He will. You see, I was holding on to this desire thinking that it was ok for me to trust God with it as long as He does not change it. That is not trusting God the way that He calls us to trust Him. When He called the disciples, He told them to abandon everything...EVERYTHING! And the more shocking part is that they did it and look how it changed the world.
I honestly can't imagine my life without the desire for marriage as a part of it but I do know that I must abandon it. God is asking for it. If He is to have all of me, He is to have all of my hopes and my dreams. But, in turn, He is inviting me to a life where He promises that He is enough. I am encouraged by His Word. In Genesis, right before Abraham bound Isaac to the altar Abraham spoke with such faith as he assured his son that God would provide. It was not until Isaac was on the altar that God provided. In Psalm 103 God tells us that He makes everything work out right and just as a father has compassion on his children so does God for those who fear Him. From these verses I know that God will provide for me what I need based on His plan and that He understands me and He is compassionate with me. Sacrificially living your life out for God is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But, take it from this control freak - it is soooo worth it!

For Such A Time As This....

I cannot begin to express how perfect God's timing was for me. God placed me in Nicaragua just when I needed to be there most. The trip was an amazing experience and upon my return home I experienced many bittersweet emotions. Being away from everyday life here in the States presents you with the opportunity to recognize what is most important and reaffirm just how desperate we all are for a Savior.

Here is a recap from the trip....



This picture was taken at the clinic the first Sunday that we were in Nicaragua. After attending church that morning we spent our afternoon setting up the pharmacy at the clinic.



The picture above is the fruit of our labor Sunday afternoon. We were ready to see patients beginning at 8 a.m. the next morning.



Every morning we would circle up to pray as we started our day. In Nicaragua it is common practice for everyone to pray out loud at the same time. Although I could not bring myself to pray out loud I did find myself listening to the sound of English and Spanish speakers praying to God at one time. It was such an incredible experience to witness the power of prayer and to be humbled by how big our God is. He is so big that no matter what your native language is - He understands. He created each of the lives in that circle and knew when time began that we would be standing in Nicaragua together. It was quite a humbling experience.



As a patient entered the clinic some of our team would triage them prior to seeing the doctor. Two doctors were with us on the trip. Dr. Hoffman was with our group from Grace Church and Dra. Aracelis was the Nicaraguan doctor serving with us. The doctors demeanor with the patients and their devotion to seeing every patient was inspiring to watch. After the patients saw the doctor they were led to the tents behind the clinic(which is pictured above)to be presented with the Gospel. The tents were right outside of the windows in the pharmacy. While working to fill the prescriptions we could hear the Nicaraguans praying over everyone who came through the clinic. There were many professions of faith and re dedications. It was a moving experience to hear words that I could not understand while sensing completely that the Holy Spirit was present in those tents behind our clinic.



This is a picture of the tents in front of the clinic where the patients would wait for their medications. The team in Nicaragua on staff with Christ for the City International would do health care teaching as we were filling the prescriptions.



Here is our wonderful pharmacy team. We filled an average of 3-4 prescriptions per patient and saw 320 patients in four days. It was hard work but so rewarding. None of the pharmacy team had never worked in a pharmacy on a mission trip. The first day was tough but we finally got our system down by the end of the day on Tuesday. I was responsible for signing off on each prescription that went out of the pharmacy and for the oversight of the pharmacy. I was totally inadequate for the job but God worked through me to get the job done.





We also had a construction team with us that helped to lay a floor in the church. Two women, Kelly and Jillian, spent everyday with the children playing. All-in-all you could say that the white people attracted a crowd!

If you would like to see all the pictures from the trip you can go to http://disfrutalo.shutterfly.com. Each team member has downloaded their photos for everyone to share.

As I have had time to process all that God has done in my heart I have taken the following away from my experience:

1. As Christians, we are part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The world that we live in is not reality no matter how much we become enslaved to it. Passively living out our Christian faith is not what God calls us to. It is not what Jesus demonstrated in the Gospels and it will never wins souls for the Kingdom. I sensed the feeling of the overwhelming power of God in Nicaragua more than I have in my entire life. God revealed to me just how imperative it is that I understand that being a Christian means to deny myself daily and rest in the all encompassing power of who He is and what He longs to do in my life.

2. Life cannot be fragmented. We can't just give God part of ourselves. He wants everything. As I worked in the pharmacy and was surrounded by patients again, I realized that God gave me a heart to care about others. He gave me the desire to put my hands on people and comfort them. If I am not using the gift that He has given me in my career then I am not glorifying Him completely with my life. I am now exploring what is next for me and my career and am ready to move when God reveals to me my next step.

3. My obedience to God's plan must be my primary concern for the rest of my life. God must, MUST be my first priority. If He is not first then life will always be out of order. Once I submitted my will to Him it was freeing to realize how all my other desires became secondary to Him. I realized that my desires for marriage and a fulfilling career are not wrong - they are how He blesses me. But, I have been in the way. My career or a future spouse will never sustain the weight of my expectations. Only God can do that for me. When He is first everything else looks so much better.

Reality Check

I leave Saturday for Nicaragua and it really bothers me to know that my last post would've been about my lack of faith. Hence today's post...

I have had several reality checks since my last blog. I just thought that I would share some of my heart with you.
Here are things that I have learned in the past week and a half:

1. When you think that God is not providing - think again. I had a little temper tantrum with God last week when I was traveling with work. The truth of the matter is, I was just angry with God for not providing the entire amount for my trip. I was in the middle of my tyraid when He very strongly reminded me of three things: A) I have a job, a very good job that exceeds my needs and provides me financial opportunities to do things like go on a mission trip with little to no financial burden. I should receive this job with humility because it is from Him and other people would give anything to even have a job right now. WOW - that one hit me HARD! B) God did provide for me in the way that I originally asked Him to when I said yes to this trip. I have said, from the beginning, that if I raise half of the money for the trip I will be ok if I have to pay the other half. God provided five dollars more than half of my trip. Again, I was very humbled by this realization. I also realized that I put God in a box in the very beginning. I told Him how much to provide for me and then when I thought that it wasn't enough I started to complain and became angry at how unfaithful God seemed. My attitude was wrong and I wasn't ready to budge. Finally, C) When sin is present and you stubbornly settle into it you lose all of the security of who God is and what He is really doing in your life. I refused to believe that my feelings toward God were wrong. My attitude and actions portrayed this and I allowed the distance between God and me to become more and more. Guess what, Satan was accomplishing the very thing that he had set out to do 2 weeks prior to me leaving on a mission trip. I was more determined not to let Satan win than to stay mad at God and bask in my rotten attitude.

2. As much as I thought that I was prepared for Satan's attacks, I wasn't. I fell right into his schemes just as he wanted. I wasn't in the Word and definitely wasn't on my knees like I needed to be. I felt like I could handle it if I knew that it was coming. But Satan is much more shrewd than I am. He has managed to attack every insecurity that I have and then some. Satan definitely had the upper hand until one day I stopped and asked God for wisdom and freedom from the mind games. It is funny how a prayer so simple can bring such freedom and clarity.

I am excited to be leaving for Nicaragua in less than 48 hours. I am believing God that this trip will bring true life change and a much needed shift in perspective. Please be in prayer for our team as we will be gone starting July 25 and returning August 2. I anticipate great things and am looking forward to seeing how God is working in different parts of our world.

I Need Help...

....with my attitude.

July is so super busy I go into mild cardiac arrest thinking about how I am going to get everything done. I am traveling with work part of the first two weeks of July. I am on family vacation the third week and off to Nicaragua for the final week of this month. Although most of my travel is personal and exciting I am having a hard time finding enthusiasm.

The timeline for final payment for my Nicaragua trip is approaching ever-so-quickly. July 19 will be here far sooner than I prefer. Considering I have only raised half of my support for the trip, I am discouraged and disheartened. I know I am supposed to believe that God is faithful but, to tell you the truth, my faith is waning and I am starting to wonder if this trip was ever part of His plan for me. Low support, coupled with a waiting period that seems like it will never end, brings me to a place I rather not be. My spirits are low to say the least. Even though I know that it seemed pretty clear at the time to say yes to the trip, Satan has a tight grip on my mind right now and is trying to convince me that God does not make good on any of His promises....for me at least. I feel like I am on the perpetual side line watching God fulfill promises for everyone but me. Please pray that my mind and attitude would change as I have a very important trip for which I need to be spiritually prepared. Please pray that I will find my peace again and the joy that only God can bring.

I do believe...help my unbelief, lack of faith, attitude that stinks, etc...etc.

Thanks for your prayers and support. Please accept my apologies for this less than uplifting post!

Things that make you go hmmm....

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Random Quotes from an Almost Three Year Old

My niece will be 3 next month. It is hard to believe that she is growing up so fast. Although I miss her as an infant, I love the things that she can say now. She started talking pretty early and has developed quite the little vocabulary. Here are some things that she has to say...

One afternoon last week June 2009
Brooke ( Her Mom): Here Julia Anne, talk to Aunt Karis while I talk to Daddy on the phone.
JA: Hey Aunt Karis. Silence....long silence.
Brooke: JA, why are you not talking to Aunt Karis?
JA: Because she said she was tired of me. ( LIAR!!)



Early Saturday Morning
Cam, JA's dad had taken her to watch the moo cows while Brooke was home tending to chores. Here is JA's observation while watching the bull...

JA: Daddy, what is that down there? It looks like a big potato.
Cam: Silence. ( This is even funnier if you know Cam and his modesty!)

Last Night in the Bathtub

JA apparently was a little gassy after supper.

JA: Mom, I have fireworks coming out of my butt!
Brooke: Laughter.
Brooke: JA, do we say butt?
JA: No, bottom. I have fireworks coming out of my bottom. Ashley says butt.

Some say she acts like her aunt. If that is the case - she will have a fun-filled life with many friends. I remind her grandmother of that often ;)!