Why I Still Seek Him ( a comprehensive overview of my life april - present )

It has taken me some time to muster up the courage to post anything regarding my life for the past 8 months. But as I have time to process and reflect, I know that I must share with you what has been happening. All of the twists and turns my life had taken this year are so not about me but what God is able to do with sin and His ability to redeem and make life new.

In January of last year I prayed, half believing, and asked God to just please let 2010 be the year. My, my, my...I didn't know what I was asking for! God was so faithful to teach me so many things last year and to bring me to a place of such peace in the midst of my SINGLE circumstances. I had finally come to a place where I truly was enjoying life. After attending the Nicaragua mission trip in 2009, I knew that my heart was to take care of patients again ( as noted in earlier posts ). I applied and was accepted to USC to get my Masters as a Nurse Practitioner. I was beyond excited and ready to take on the challenge of being a student again. In the meantime of applying for school I met a wonderful man - Nick. He was unlike anyone I had ever met. I no longer found myself wondering when I would meet someone. Instead, I found myself asking - could this really be it?! As we got to know each other I was more and more comfortable with the idea of never meeting anyone again. I wasn't in a hurry to marry this guy - but there was just something about him. I am so thankful for that assurance early on in our relationship. Life was good and I found myself so thankful for how 2010 was unfolding.

In the midst of God's faithfulness I found myself tangled up in my own selfishness and sinful desires. God had brought me so far and I was ready to do it my way. On June 2 I discovered that I was expecting...and NOT married! How could I have let this happen? Due to time's sake, I will not detail out all of the emotions that ran through me but let's just say that the next 6 weeks would be full of some of the most difficult decisions and discussions as I had to reveal to family and close friends what was happening. During this time, God humbled me by how gentle His presence is. I knew that I could make a choice - I could go through this with or without Him. So, Nick and I decided that we would opt to let God carry us through and show us the way. I have learned so much about God's mercy and character throughout the past 8 months. He truly never fails us and He does pick us up from our self-created disasters and shapes us to be more like Him. The outpour of love and support from family and friends was an extension of God's love for Nick and me. Nick and I were going to do this - we were going to have this baby and hope for the best.

What was "best" supposed to look like? I had always, ALWAYS imagined that I would be married for about 5 years and then it would be time to have children - if I wanted them by then. Clearly, my fairy tale existence was not panning out the way I had always envisioned. So, together Nick and I had to make the decision of whether or not we would marry. I know that this probably seems like the logical choice - he's the father of my unborn child. I wish that the decision had only been that easy. Nick was not the problem - I was. I didn't want to get married just because we had a baby on the way. I was full of pride. I was freaking out. It just wasn't supposed to look this way so how could it ever be right, nevertheless, God's plan for Nick and me? Then, it hit me. We had created our circumstances out of our disobedience. Perhaps, it was time for me to consider what obedience looked like in the midst of the self-inflicted chaos. So, I got real with God. I told Him what I was afraid of. I told Him how ashamed I was of myself for allowing this to happen. I knew that I needed to marry Nick. I think that the most ironic theme in this decision is that the peace to marry Nick did not come until I decided to put my will to the side and let God decide what should happen. Not until Nick and I took the our first step of faith together and decided to marry did we begin to experience the redemptive power of a Living God in our lives. What could have been a devastating set of circumstances slowly blossomed into one of the sweetest times I have experienced. Nick and I married on Oct 1, 2010. It was the wedding that my inner little girl had always dreamed of...and most importantly, I was sure that I had finally found my prince.

Nick Sadie is a good man - he took on the challenge of marrying me! Although it has only been a whopping 4 1/2 months since we said "I do", marriage has already taught me so much. A lot of what I have learned about myself hasn't been pretty. I am selfish,impatient and demand my way far too often. These ugly truths about myself have not been easy to face. I am so thankful that Nick loves me in spite of all of my flaws. His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. No matter how we made it to the altar, I could not imagine a man more suited for me.

So, here I am on Feb 3, 2011 at 5:45 in the morning - one week out from the expected arrival date of our daughter Stella Rae Sadie. I am swollen, rotund and uncomfortable most of my waking hours. I will not lie and tell you that I love being pregnant. I do not! However, I do love this child and I haven't even met her yet. I find myself anticipating her next move. I know when she's probably sleeping and when she will be active. I know that sugar makes her happy ( tell tell sign that she is mine ). I know that she was created to fulfill a purpose that God has only for her. I pray for her. I pray that she would have an easy love for God...that she will not be like her momma and have to figure things out on her own. I pray that God will protect her from the evils of this world while shaping her into a realistic human being. I pray that Nick and I live a life that leads her to God and makes her want to know Him. I pray that the love that Nick and I have for each other will pour over into feelings of safety and security for her. I pray that I will know what to do with her when she get here :)! Needless to say, this is quite an overwhelming time emotions. However, throughout every fear and joy, there has been a supernatural peace that carries me. The peace and assurance that God is in the midst of every feeling I experience and He sustains me. What a sweet, sweet time the past 8 months have proven to be. Oh, how sweet it is to trust in Him!