This journey that we call life can really throw you some curve balls. I feel like I have been dodging quite a few over the past few years. I think that the truth of the matter is that I have finally resigned my life to God's control and His idea of a life for me is nothing that I would ever imagine.
I was driving to meet a friend Wednesday night for dinner listening to the radio. A christian song came on that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I don't know the artist, the title or too many of the words. All I know is that God spoke to me so clearly in my car that I had to catch my breath. The song was speaking to how God loves us. I was so convicted of how resistant I am to God's love. In a very gentle spirit God asked me to allow Him to love on me the way that HE saw fit.
I have always equated God's love with blessings. I have always been a control freak in regards to getting what I want. When God has intervened in the past, I always get angry and see God as taking things away from me...not protecting me and preserving me to receive the best that He has to offer. God spoke to me so gently, yet so clearly. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to repent and learn to receive God's love no matter what it looked like.
Later that night after returning home from dinner I prayed and asked God to open my mind and allow His will to consume me. I have been struggling in a certain area of my life with what I needed to do. I asked God to reveal to me all that I needed to know, no matter how hard it would be, so that I could make a sound decision and know that I was in His will. Man, did God answer me the very next night. God is faithful. Although my circumstances may not be what I would have chosen, nor do I really enjoy them, God spoke very clearly revealing His will to me. God has left room for no question and I now see that He has been protecting me all along. I am so thankful that I serve a God that can save me from myself. I am so thankful to serve a God that knows my heart better than I do. I am so thankful to serve a God who gives and takes away as He sees fit so that we are communion with Him.
God is so faithful to those who seek to know His will and His truth. It is amazing what God will reveal to you and the methods He chooses to use. I am thankful for God's protection and patience with me. I have fallen more in love with God as I have allowed Him to love on me. The way that God loves His children is astonishing. We serve a loving, patient, mighty God who orchestrates every detail of our lives.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
I Just Don't Get It...
Phil. 4:7 has been permeating my heart over the past week. This verse is part of one of my most favorite passages in the Bible. Phil 4:7 tells us that the peace of God, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Not until recently have I experienced such peace in my heart. Not until recently have I been forced to trust God enough to allow myself to move past my understanding into His safe abiding.
I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.
God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.
I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.
I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.
God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.
I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Struggle
I sometimes feel like the only word to describe my life is struggle. I seem to struggle with a variety of different things, but I especially STRUGGLE with letting go. It has recently occurred to me, through the rebuke of a dear friend, that my idea of letting go and God's idea are not the same thing.
I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.
As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.
When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.
As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.
It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.
I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.
As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.
When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.
As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.
It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.
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