Struggle

I sometimes feel like the only word to describe my life is struggle. I seem to struggle with a variety of different things, but I especially STRUGGLE with letting go. It has recently occurred to me, through the rebuke of a dear friend, that my idea of letting go and God's idea are not the same thing.

I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.

As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.

When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.

As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.

It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.