Revelation

The word revelation may be a bit too strong to use as a title. Nonetheless, I have had a small revelation and feel the need to blog about it. As I was doing my Bible study this morning and journaling, I realized that God has brought me to a place where I actually don't mind the whole waiting part. He showed me that I just mess things up and that the mess ups are much more emotionally taxing than just waiting on Him. This may sound very elementary and simple to most of you - but this is pretty exciting for me. It has finally clicked!

Isaiah 40:31 says this - "Those who WAIT upon the Lord renew their strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and do not grow tired, they walk and do not grow weary".

I finally believe this.

Days of Old

I am in the middle of planning my 10 year high school reunion. I thought that it would be marvelous to be class president and have this responsibility one day - don't ask me what I think now :). Seriously, planning this reunion has not been so bad and I have had wonderful help from a fellow classmate!

Since planning has commenced, I have found myself shuffling through old year books and going through and cleaning out things that I have kept for years. I even read through my senior scrapbook a few months ago. Wow...things have CHANGED!

I have been very reminiscent lately. I am trapped in a state of nostalgia that I just can't shake. I find myself almost longing for those simple days to return. I never knew how good I had it. Don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the life that I have now, but life was definitely less stressful 10 years ago.

So, let's take a stroll back to 1999. 10 years ago I was...

• Reeling after turning 18 just 3 weeks earlier. I was an official adult...Mom and Dad no longer had any say in what my life would look like - yeah right!
• Scrambling to get the pictures in for the senior slide show.
• In a horrible relationship.
• Eating less than 1000 calories a day and watching my hair fall out.
• Preparing for my senior presentation.
• Preparing for the end of the year finals.
• Preparing for graduation and my speech that I was to deliver.
• Anxious about what would lie ahead of me.
• Completely miserable to be around because I did not handle life change very well.
• So oblivious that the world was not revolving around me.

Now, 10 years older and hopefully a little bit wiser, I would give myself the following advice:

• Quit worrying about your weight and your body. It defines way too much of you and leads you down destructive paths.
• Don't go to college with a boyfriend.
• Don't try to find your husband while you are in college - enjoy every "single"minute of it!
• Understand that you are about to enter into the most magical 4 years of your life - you are not living at home, you are getting a great education and you are paying for NOTHING!
• Spend less time worrying about pleasing others and truly seek what the Lord has in store for you.
• Obey, obey, obey the first time when you finally realize what it is that God wants you to do, ( I still have to work on this one!).
• Treasure your family.
• Don't let everyone else define you - believe in yourself and the person God so brilliantly created.

I could go on and on. I just wish that I could have by-passed some of the hardest lessons that I had to learn, but I would not be the person that I am today. I am so thankful that God loves me just as much now as He did then. He knew what road I would choose the day that I walked across the stage at my high school graduation. He knew all of my successes, mistakes, heartbreaks and failures - and He loved me anyway. I truly wish that I had grasped that concept then like I do now - I probably would have made some different choices. I only hope that I continue to grow in the knowledge of His love. How comforting it is to see where He has brought me. As I look forward through the lens of my past I am quite encouraged as I wait on what God has for me.

And the Diagnosis Is....

Litter Box Aversion. No, your eyes do not deceive you. That's right. I paid $200 to have my cat diagnosed with litter box aversion. So, for any of you cat lovers out there who have experienced this...please pass along any helpful tips as to how we get over this. If Emma is not using her litter box by Friday she will be placed on an antidepressant - Elavil - to get her over this hurdle. I may borrow some of her medication to get me over the hump as well :).

So what is litter box aversion, you ask. For some reason Emma has developed some kind of anxiety when approaching her litter box. It could be as complex as small, undetectable crystals in her urine making elimination painful or as simple as she doesn't like how her litter feels or smells. Well, I know my cat and I know how finicky she can be - so I am going to put my money on the latter.

I have been thinking about this all afternoon and am just puzzled by the phenomenon. I mean, I provide food and water for Emma. Her litter box stays clean. What else could I do for a cat? Why is she not happy if her litter box is not "just right"? And to think that she may have to be on Elavil - just to have her use the bathroom. It sounds so crazy to me. But then I realize that I am not really all that different when it comes to life.

A strange correlation, I know. Stay with me on this one...

Since I turned 28 last week I have been taking some serious inventory on my life: where I am , what I have accomplished and what I feel like is missing. From the outside looking in, I have found that my life ROCKS! However, I can so easily become fixated on the few things in my life that are "just not the way that I want them" . There is a sense of entitlement to the "just right life". I can get so caught up in what I don't have that I completely destroy all of the good things in my life with my attitude.

Life is hard when God seems to be withholding any desire. Whether it be finding a husband, the perfect job, having children, keeping your family together, etc, etc - when life does not go as expected we need to be put on Elavil! I struggle with the whole "God's timing" thing. I mean - I think that it is ridiculous to not just give in and give me what I want in that very moment. But then I start to think about how a father doesn't give his child the very first beat- up car that he wants because he knows that in a few years he will get a brand new one for graduation. The father wants the child to have the car that is "just right". You get my drift. And then I think, how much more God wants to give me. He wants me to have a life that is better than "just right". He wants to exceed my expectations. All I have to do on my part is wait...and that is the HARDEST.

I was talking to my very wise friend Alicia today and she made an amazing point - God's word never says that He will remove our desires or withhold them. She said that God asks for our burdens, our anxieties, our battles, but He never asks for our desires. Let that sink in for a minute. God never asks us to sacrifice our desires. How incredible. I do believe that God will change our hearts as long as they are surrendered to Him. Even if our hearts change and put to rest an old desire, we still did not sacrifice it. We finally realize that we just don't want it any more. How freeing is that realization and how awesome is God for loving us that way?

I just need to be reminded, sometimes, that God is for me. He is not against me and my relationship is not a game to Him. My reactions and emotions do not have to be calculated like my next chess move in order to win His favor. Because of the blood of Christ and God's never-ending love, I have more favor with Him than I could ever earn on my own. If I allow myself to bask in that reality - I may never need Elavil :).

A Day Only the Devil Could Conspire

Whew. It is now 12:15 a.m. Yesterday is finally gone! Just to recount my day...

4:30 a.m. - My alarm clock resonates reminding me that I have a 6:30 flight to catch

5:00 a.m. - I finally roll out of bed

5:25 a.m. - I am gathering my things and headed out of the door when I realize that my cat, Emma, has decided to poop outside of her litter box for the 4th time in a week and a half.

5:27 a.m. - I am chasing an angry kitty around my house who is hissing and trying to bite me if I come near her. I assume it is because she knows just how angry I am.

5:30 a.m. - I noticed that Emma has not used her litter box since I changed it. Of course, being me I personalize it and think that my cat is getting revenge on me for something.

5:33 a.m. - I am finally driving through the gates of my neighborhood to the airport.

6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. - My day is going as planned. Except for the traffic in ATL. But - not such a big deal.

2:30 - 4:30 - I am in the gym and running errands. I receive an interesting phone call with pieces of a missing truth that I have been without. I find myself angry, discouraged, relieved and wondering if one day...just one day - some man may find me worthy enough to take the risk of falling in love with me. But, that is enough. Let your minds wonder.

4:30 - 5:00 - I meet my parents at my house. They are coming over to help me hang pictures, have dinner and work on my taxes because I have been so slack this year and waited until the VERY last minute. My sweet little Emma is still quite irritable with everyone. Mom suspects she is sick. I dismiss it until I read the Internet about her behavior - sure enough, looks like my cat has an urinary tract infection.

5:00 - 5:15 - I am chasing an 18 lb. cat around the house. My parents are manning every open doorway so that she cannot escape into exile where she knows I will never reach her. Finally, after peeing in my closet - Emma emerges and I am able to cage her and get her to the vet.

6:00 - I leave the vet's office without my constant feline companion. She will have lots of tests done tomorrow to determine just how bad the infection may be. Meanwhile, I left Mom and Dad to hang 5 pics while I was gone. Upon my return to the house, they were still working on #1 :).

6:15 - 7:30 - We are still hanging pictures on the wall :). My father is such a perfectionist. I appreciate that about him after the fact but is sure does try this impatient girl's nerves. But, I couldn't ask for a better dad!

7:45 - Finally, off to dinner. We are all hungry. Good food and conversation were ended abruptly by the reminder of unfinished taxes lingering at my house.

8:30 - Dad and I attack the taxes. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I owe SC money. And then, I remember, I have two W-2's from my previous employer - one of which I never bothered to open.

11:45 - After much agony and sweat - the taxes are done. My federal refund is greater. I am now getting a SC return. However, I do owe the Tar Heel State. Oh well - I am out $80 bucks. Better than the $900 that I thought I was going to have to lay down.

Some days are just better than others. Yesterday was definitely an "other".

Rest well blog world....

What I Know of Holy

This is an Addison Road song that I have fallen in love with......

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of YouWho spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Possibly My New Favorite Holiday

I have always been a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because of the great food, the reflective spirit and the time that you are able to spend with family. It is a relaxing holiday that focuses on some of the things that I love most - family, food and football.

However, when I woke up today I was more joyful over this Easter Sunday than I have ever been. I woke up with the hope of salvation stirring in my soul. I realized how much I have to be thankful for because of what Christ did for me. In His death and resurrection, I have new life.

Happy Easter!!

WOWSERS.....IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!!!!!!!

Well, it has been quite some time since I have graced the blog world with my incredible wisdom and insight on life. I am sure that I have been missed and that someone has not felt complete in quite some time because of my silence. Oh my, I am full of myself. Actually, the past 6 months have been so full of overwhelming growth and change that I didn't really know how to wrap words around my experiences. This is what I have been learning in the past 6 months:

1. God is patient with me.
2. God does not give up on me.
3. God loves me more than I can comprehend - even if it hurts sometimes.
4. God does not tolerate riding the fence.
5. God is in control of things.
6. God is all about making sure that my life goes according to His plan.
7. God orchestrates every single step that I take.
8. God is good to me.
9. God is in the details.
10. God is bigger than anything I will ever endure.
11. God will have what is His.
12. God is worth the wait.

I could ramble on and on but I just have learned so much about God and how He loves His children in the past 6 months. Nothing has gone according to my plan and I feel like I have encountered one personal defeat after another. I am left with nothing to offer back to God other than myself - all the while forgetting that I am all He wants. He will do the rest.