It is so amazing to me how instantly things seem to change when God shows up. I am not talking about the circumstances that surround me or anything physically related to me. I am talking about my heart and mindset. I am completely in awe of the chains that are broken when God reveals Himself.
If you didn't already know - I struggle with the desire to get married. There is so much surrounding this desire that it would take 5 days to list every single detail of the struggle and why I think that God has placed this in my life. The bottom line is this - I struggle with an unfulfilled desire that God has yet to satisfy. I think that we all can find ourselves in that position at some point in life - no matter what that desire may be. For me, singleness/desire to marry has been a very sensitive matter. It has been a point of weakness. If I voice that I actually struggle with being single and the desire to be married - then surely I am weak and lacking something in my spiritual life.
I would not trade my single years for anything, really, I wouldn't. But, this is what I have come to terms with while being single - OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DEALT WITH SINGLENESS DO NOT GET IT!!!! Although that does not sound very humble, I do say that with great humility and the realization that everyone struggles with something.
Moving on....I have dealt with the unhappiness, discontentment, longing, etc, etc that singleness brings for four years now. It has been four years since I have been in a relationship any longer than 4 months. I felt sure that I would be married by now when I painfully ended my last serious relationship. Guess what - I am not. The pursuit of marriage has come to haunt me. It has distracted me and robbed me of my joy for far too long and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
As I was doing my Bible study this morning, God convicted me. EVERYTHING that I have pursued for the past 4 years has been out of the desire to be married. If I move to Wilmington, my husband will show up. If I redefine myself and get involved with church in Wilmington, I will meet my husband. If I move home, I will find my soul mate. If I wrap myself up in the student ministry at Grace, I am bound to meet my husband. I never wanted to admit this, but the truth of the matter is - I have been playing this game with God - if I SERVE you, God, then you give me my husband. I have essentially told God that if I do "this" for you then you owe me a husband and a marriage that will last for all time and I can finally close this chapter in my fairytale kind of life.
Once I finally realized that I have been pursuing marriage harder than God, my heart sank and I approached God with my head sagging. I was disgusted to think that I had been trying to manipulate God all of this time. How much time have I wasted? What blessings have I missed out on? And then, in the silence of my despair, God whispers to me and says - now, you've got it! Let's move on to what else I have for you.
God has spent 4 years....4 YEARS getting me to this point. He has brought me through so many victories in the past 4 years. However, as I would look back I could only see defeat because of the one unfulfilled desire. I have now come to realize that the one unfulfilled desire in my life has completely defeated and disabled me from experiencing everything that God has for me. This does not mean that my desire to be married is any less strong or absent. The desire is still very much present. But, the pursuit, the chase, the need to seize the desire is gone.
What is it that you pursue? What drives you and motivates you to seek God? Is it His unconditional love or His power to provide what you decide will bless you? You see, I had to come to the realization that I wanted marriage more than God. Marriage had become my idol. I am pretty sure that there is a commandment in there that states: " There shall be no other gods before me". What is your idol? What are you chasing? And, most importantly, is it worth more than God?
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