This journey that we call life can really throw you some curve balls. I feel like I have been dodging quite a few over the past few years. I think that the truth of the matter is that I have finally resigned my life to God's control and His idea of a life for me is nothing that I would ever imagine.
I was driving to meet a friend Wednesday night for dinner listening to the radio. A christian song came on that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I don't know the artist, the title or too many of the words. All I know is that God spoke to me so clearly in my car that I had to catch my breath. The song was speaking to how God loves us. I was so convicted of how resistant I am to God's love. In a very gentle spirit God asked me to allow Him to love on me the way that HE saw fit.
I have always equated God's love with blessings. I have always been a control freak in regards to getting what I want. When God has intervened in the past, I always get angry and see God as taking things away from me...not protecting me and preserving me to receive the best that He has to offer. God spoke to me so gently, yet so clearly. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to repent and learn to receive God's love no matter what it looked like.
Later that night after returning home from dinner I prayed and asked God to open my mind and allow His will to consume me. I have been struggling in a certain area of my life with what I needed to do. I asked God to reveal to me all that I needed to know, no matter how hard it would be, so that I could make a sound decision and know that I was in His will. Man, did God answer me the very next night. God is faithful. Although my circumstances may not be what I would have chosen, nor do I really enjoy them, God spoke very clearly revealing His will to me. God has left room for no question and I now see that He has been protecting me all along. I am so thankful that I serve a God that can save me from myself. I am so thankful to serve a God that knows my heart better than I do. I am so thankful to serve a God who gives and takes away as He sees fit so that we are communion with Him.
God is so faithful to those who seek to know His will and His truth. It is amazing what God will reveal to you and the methods He chooses to use. I am thankful for God's protection and patience with me. I have fallen more in love with God as I have allowed Him to love on me. The way that God loves His children is astonishing. We serve a loving, patient, mighty God who orchestrates every detail of our lives.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
I Just Don't Get It...
Phil. 4:7 has been permeating my heart over the past week. This verse is part of one of my most favorite passages in the Bible. Phil 4:7 tells us that the peace of God, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Not until recently have I experienced such peace in my heart. Not until recently have I been forced to trust God enough to allow myself to move past my understanding into His safe abiding.
I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.
God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.
I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.
I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.
God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.
I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Struggle
I sometimes feel like the only word to describe my life is struggle. I seem to struggle with a variety of different things, but I especially STRUGGLE with letting go. It has recently occurred to me, through the rebuke of a dear friend, that my idea of letting go and God's idea are not the same thing.
I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.
As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.
When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.
As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.
It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.
I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.
As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.
When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.
As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.
It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
When the Going Gets Good...
I am realizing more and more that I have major....MAJOR trust issues. Not so much of others, but of God and myself. Why is it that when life is really good it is so much harder to trust that you are where God wants you? Why is it that I find myself so much more in-tune to God when my life is a wreck? Why am I so hesitant to the good that He seems to be offering me?
These questions have been surfacing all day for me. I would like to say that I am just a mental case and that be that. But, the truth is that all of these questions, all of my fear, stems from a heart problem...a problem with trusting God during the good and bad. God calls us to a much higher standard. He equips us with everything that we need in order to trust Him completely. He gives us minds to discern His will and hearts that are sensitive to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. So, why is trust so hard?
For me, trusting God completely requires total vulnerability. I have worked so hard for many years to control outcomes and build walls of protection around my heart. My hard work has not paid off . I am finding it is much easier to build those walls than to allow God to break them down. I find it so frustrating because I don't even know how I got here. But, then again, I do. I am where I am because I have spent years in disobedience to God's instructions. I know now, more than ever, that God does not instruct us to bind us to a certain set of rules-God provides direction so that we are protected from ourselves.
As I think through all of this I am lovingly reminded to turn off my mind and tune into my heart. For it is there, with the lover of my soul, that I will learn to trust.
These questions have been surfacing all day for me. I would like to say that I am just a mental case and that be that. But, the truth is that all of these questions, all of my fear, stems from a heart problem...a problem with trusting God during the good and bad. God calls us to a much higher standard. He equips us with everything that we need in order to trust Him completely. He gives us minds to discern His will and hearts that are sensitive to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. So, why is trust so hard?
For me, trusting God completely requires total vulnerability. I have worked so hard for many years to control outcomes and build walls of protection around my heart. My hard work has not paid off . I am finding it is much easier to build those walls than to allow God to break them down. I find it so frustrating because I don't even know how I got here. But, then again, I do. I am where I am because I have spent years in disobedience to God's instructions. I know now, more than ever, that God does not instruct us to bind us to a certain set of rules-God provides direction so that we are protected from ourselves.
As I think through all of this I am lovingly reminded to turn off my mind and tune into my heart. For it is there, with the lover of my soul, that I will learn to trust.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Continued Blessings and One Proud Sister
So, Emily fussed at me because I have not updated my blog in quite some time. So, for all of you that are hanging on to my every word, here it is...just kidding...I am not that important!
Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.
You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.
I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.
Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.
Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.
You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.
I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.
Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
An Interesting Conversation
As I flew home tonight I found myself in the middle of such an interesting conversation. The gentleman sitting beside me was probably close to 50. He was telling me about his family and somehow we stumbled into the gas crises that is currently hindering our world. Come to find out, he is an electrical engineer working in Spartanburg. He has been doing research on the world's energy consumption. The more he spoke of his research, the more fascinated I became. He was speaking about how we, as Americans, have not really increased the amount of energy that we consume each year. However, the more populated, poorer countries that have historically used less energy, are beginning to use more and more. He stated that this was due to the desire to have the "American" lifestyle...the lifestyle where things are easier and more accessible.
I have been thinking about how easy the "American" lifestyle is. Would things be different in current America if everything had not been so "easy"? After all, my generation is the generation of immediate gratification. I don't know what it is like to wonder if I will eat any more than rice each day or if my parents will have enough money to send me to school so that I have an education. There is so much that I have taken for granted that my parents so readily and lovingly provided. The security of a meal each night. The warmth of a bath...even when I didn't want to take one...a mattress and pillow to sleep on every night. All of these provisions became expectations of what is normal. What if I didn't have all of those things...how different would my life have been? Would I have been motivated to strive for more? Would I have even known that there was more?
As I ponder the great luxuries that became everyday expectations growing up, I am struck by how limited my view of what "real" life is all about. How fortunate I have been to have my most basic needs met...and how quickly I would surely parish had they not been. I am thankful to have grown up with the "American" lifestyle, but convicted of how much I have taken for granted. I am rambling on and on...just thought that I would share my thoughts....
I have been thinking about how easy the "American" lifestyle is. Would things be different in current America if everything had not been so "easy"? After all, my generation is the generation of immediate gratification. I don't know what it is like to wonder if I will eat any more than rice each day or if my parents will have enough money to send me to school so that I have an education. There is so much that I have taken for granted that my parents so readily and lovingly provided. The security of a meal each night. The warmth of a bath...even when I didn't want to take one...a mattress and pillow to sleep on every night. All of these provisions became expectations of what is normal. What if I didn't have all of those things...how different would my life have been? Would I have been motivated to strive for more? Would I have even known that there was more?
As I ponder the great luxuries that became everyday expectations growing up, I am struck by how limited my view of what "real" life is all about. How fortunate I have been to have my most basic needs met...and how quickly I would surely parish had they not been. I am thankful to have grown up with the "American" lifestyle, but convicted of how much I have taken for granted. I am rambling on and on...just thought that I would share my thoughts....
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Just One of Those Days
So little time, so much to do....please tell me that someone else gets overwhelmed by everyday life!
I think that I am coming to a harsh realization...life, daily life, is HARD! Do you ever find yourself wondering if your job will ever get better and allow you to enjoy life? Do you ever wonder if your house will look just like you want it to...not because of decoration or lack thereof...I mean, just have the laundry folded, the carpet vacuumed and the toilets cleaned? Life has been really crazy for me since moving back into a house that is all mine to take care of. I love it. I love being home. But, I do have to admit that living in someone else's home for 2 years erased my memory of what being a homeowner meant. I find myself dreaming...if I only had 2 weeks here...with nothing to do...that would be the life.
Even though I have had one of those days for the past week and a half, I still find that I am happy. Obviously I am not happy because of everything around me, I am happy because of what lives in my heart and the joy that is produced. If it weren't for the presence of Christ in my life I would be a miserable person. I am so thankful that in the midst of everyday yuck, God is so beautiful. I have found that if I take just a moment to reflect on who He is, my perspective changes. Now, I must confess....I do this A LOT during a day's time!
All in all, I believe that God is teaching me to just rest in Him when I feel that rest is no where in site. God is allowing me to feel stretched so thin so that only He may revive my spirit. I am just so thankful for how He teaches me things. As we head into the end of this week I wish you all a restful weekend in Him!
I think that I am coming to a harsh realization...life, daily life, is HARD! Do you ever find yourself wondering if your job will ever get better and allow you to enjoy life? Do you ever wonder if your house will look just like you want it to...not because of decoration or lack thereof...I mean, just have the laundry folded, the carpet vacuumed and the toilets cleaned? Life has been really crazy for me since moving back into a house that is all mine to take care of. I love it. I love being home. But, I do have to admit that living in someone else's home for 2 years erased my memory of what being a homeowner meant. I find myself dreaming...if I only had 2 weeks here...with nothing to do...that would be the life.
Even though I have had one of those days for the past week and a half, I still find that I am happy. Obviously I am not happy because of everything around me, I am happy because of what lives in my heart and the joy that is produced. If it weren't for the presence of Christ in my life I would be a miserable person. I am so thankful that in the midst of everyday yuck, God is so beautiful. I have found that if I take just a moment to reflect on who He is, my perspective changes. Now, I must confess....I do this A LOT during a day's time!
All in all, I believe that God is teaching me to just rest in Him when I feel that rest is no where in site. God is allowing me to feel stretched so thin so that only He may revive my spirit. I am just so thankful for how He teaches me things. As we head into the end of this week I wish you all a restful weekend in Him!
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