The Countdown is On

So, if you keep up with me on Facebook, you will see that I have officially started counting the days to when I move back to SC. I know that I talk about this A LOT, but, let's be honest...I don't have much more to talk about. Anyhow, getting back to the countdown...I am 20 days away from moving back to SC.



As always, when God leads us to certain crossroads in life the decision is ultimately ours to make. He will always provide the right way, but because he loves us, he never forces us...he gently allows us to make the decision. Historically speaking, I usually choose to go against God. God has to deal with me until the point of misery before I give up my selfish ambitions. Once I reach the point of being exasperated by living life on my own, I feel defeated and abandoned. Deep down I know that I am the only one to blame for the way that I am feeling, but many times I am angry with God because he let me go there again. How many times have I said this-HOW FOOLISH CAN I BE?



Oh, how the decision to move home has forever transformed me!!! I am so filled with JOY, true JOY as I write this. I am so in awe of God and how he loves me. As I have said before, I really struggled with the decision of moving home. When I moved to Wilmington in 2006 I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing what God wanted me to do. In 2006 my life was a mess...a mess that I had created. A mess that was left behind after many failed relationships and a heap of heartbreak. For those of you who really knew me at that point in time, I now understand why the move to Wilmington seemed so bizarre and so not God's plan. But, I knew that I had to move to Wilmington so that God could deal with me, even though I really didn't want him to do anything. There was nothing special about Wilmington (other than a job) but God needed me to be alone. Really alone...no family within an hour and no friends that have known me for 20 years. Wilmington brought me into a completely dependent relationship with God. Wilmington brought me into a relationship where God was God.



As I look back over the past two years of my life, I am so grateful that God brought me to Wilmington so that he could take away every comfort that I was familiar with and love me back to spiritual health. The last 2 years have been the hardest years that I have experienced. I moved away with great expectations of what Wilmington could do for me. And, to be quite honest, God was no where in those expectations. I was moving to Wilmington to make good money, to reinvent myself and to find a man. Within 2 months of moving to Wilmington I quickly began to understand that what I was looking for in Wilmington was not what I was meant to find. I continued to fight God. I continued to try and live life my way and on my own terms. If I pursued God at all it was only so I could tell my parents I went to church on Sundays. This blatant denial of God finally brought me to my knees to the point that I was paralyzed by my the toxicity of my soul. When I couldn't loathe myself any more, I became aware of God's loving presence in my life, little by little. I could rant and rave about all the details that God has allowed to seep through my life, but there just isn't enough time. But, as I reminisce, I can see the tapestry woven by those details in spite of my poor decisions or defiant spirit.

The past 2 years have not been about me loving God the way that every "good" Christian should. The past two years have been about allowing myself to experience God's love so that I could start loving him in return. The truth is, I cannot love God the way that he deserves to be loved...but, he can have me...all of me...and that is the kind of love that he desires.