Probably the Most Honest Post Ever

I don't know what the Big Guy is up to in my life. I guess if I had to label it I would call it refinement. There is nothing easy about the refining process. It involves some kind of catalyst to bring about the final product. When refining silver, fire is used to bring about the purest shine. Well, my friends, I believe God has been using fire with me. The only problem is, I am still waiting on the shine. Here is a run-down of the past 2 months of my life.

May 19th-I return to Greenville. I am excited to be moving home because I know that Greenville is where God is leading me. Why does God need me in Greenville? Well, I wasn't sure then and I am even more unsure now!

Beginning of June 2008-I meet this guy. We hit it off. I am enjoying dating and getting to know him. I am on cloud nine...this must be God rewarding my obedience in moving home, right?

End of June 2008-I am growing weary of this guy ( I only realize this in hind sight), but I keep ignoring those feelings. I am having too much fun and it is way too nice to have someone to talk to every night...especially while on the road.

Beginning of July 2008-The guy ends things with me. I am sad. I begin to wonder what God is up to. Must've been wrong about the whole reward thing, right?

Middle of July 2008-The guy calls back. Let's be friends. We can be friends, can't we? Maybe this is God giving me a 2nd chance....why should those weary feelings matter anyway?

End of July 2008-We can't be friends and I have very little respect left for the guy. Not the result I was going for.

August 2008- Left to sort all of the above out in my mind....

AND, that is where you find me now. Trying to sort out the why....why God chooses to do things the way that He does. Or, better yet, try to discern why God allows us to be so us for so long.

While July was not exactly a good month for me in the guy department, it has proven to be a great month for me in the self-actualization department. I have learned so much about myself that is in dire need of change.

1. I have not fine-tuned God's voice in my life. If I had heeded the warning of my soul at the very first sign of trouble, my heart would've been way more protected. I second guessed the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and chose immediate gratification. Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what God's whispers sound like. It is up to me to listen the first time, next time. GULP!
2. I live in the past and future, not the present. God's word tells us in Matthew not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of it's own. God also tells us to lay our burdens on Him because His load is easy. I could go on and on as to why I should never worry about the future and regret the past, but the truth of the matter is that I do. I live in a world of regret and lose hope for the future....not a good way to do things, at all! So, now, I am trying to take things day by day. And, in the moments where I am able to do that...they are much lighter and I find myself enjoying right where I am-in the grip of God's grace for that very moment.
3. Trust-I am always brought back to the amount of trust that I lack. God is all over me about trusting Him and I know that the past 2 months happened the way that they did so that I can and will learn to trust God more. Trust....God will get it out of me one way or another.
4. Contentment. God is teaching me to be content in Him regardless of my circumstances. I am such an honest and emotional person. I dwell on my feelings for days and days and exhaust myself. Well, God has convicted me to suck it up. Those were the exact words that He laid on my heart. After I stopped feeling sorry for my single self, my days have gotten a lot better. Contentment. In God. Completely. It is possible and I will get there...with His help!

So, the journey continues. At the end of August I will be changing companies. I will still be working from my home in Greenville and traveling, but the travel should be much more manageable. This, indeed, is an answered prayer. I am excited to have this opportunity and know that God has provided.

As for dating and boys....well, all I can do is wait...and enjoy this ever so gifted present that I am living in!