I find myself starting each new blog with an apology for not updating frequently enough. I don't know why I feel the need to do such a thing. It is not like I have a following of more than 2 people. But, to the 2 of you who keep up with me - I am sorry for not updating my blog sooner. Needless to say, it has been quite a journey since my last post.
Where to begin....
Fall is a tremendously busy time for me every year. School starts. Clemson football season tickets. Leaves changing. Absorbing every last drop of nice weather. Travel with job. Family time. Time with friends. All important. All consuming every last minute of my time. When I get busy I get distracted. I find it hard to focus on much of anything - especially those things that require my attention and heart on a daily basis.
God has a funny way of reigning me back in. He is constantly proving to me how little control I have over my life. He continues to be faithful and I am humbled by His sovereignty. Just when I had decided I was done living in Greenville and it was time to make a move again because my life has not changed He boldly affirmed to me that He knows what He is doing and that He has it under control! The Friday before Thanksgiving the Sharpe family was hit with the devastating news that my mother had breast cancer again. Mom was diagnosed with DCIS - which is the BEST diagnosis to get - after being cancer free for 11 years. After many tests, prayers and additional diagnoses, Mom will be undergoing bilateral mastectomy at the beginning of the year. It was not an easy decision to reach but all parties involved feel that this is in Mom's best interest and it is the decision with which she finds most peace. I just have to chuckle because I was ready to begin exploring the possibilities of alternative places to live just 3 days before learning about Mom's cancer. I have struggled intermittently with why God has me back in Greenville when there are so many other places to live. I do love Greenville but I was becoming restless and ready to take life into my own hands when part of God's plan and reasoning was unravelled before me. I am confident that Mom's diagnosis serves as a primary reason that I am right here in Greenville. I have been able to attend every doctor's appointment with her and help her process all of the information that has been given to her. I am right where I need to be.
So often I grow so weary and uneasy with my life. Some days are a constant battle and I wonder if I will ever see change. I also experience days when I know that I am right where I need to be. I just wish that it didn't take a cancer diagnosis for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not in control and that this life just really is not about me. God's plans are perfect.
There have been several other stresses in my life recently that I will not bore you with. However, in all these things I have found that a thankful heart makes each trial so much more bearable. Yes, God does have the power to change any circumstance and I am puzzled, at times, as to why He has not chosen to change mine. But, where would I be in the midst of these circumstances without Him and His power to change them. In Him is where I place my hope. In Him is where I place my trust. Without these circumstances I don't know if this hard-headed girl would have ever learned how to hope or trust Him. I am not in control.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sometime Words Just Aren't Enough
It has been a great month. God just keeps showing up in big ways. I have never experienced a time in life where I KNOW that God is at work and I am ok with what He is trying to do. Here some highlights of what has been happening:
As I was struggling with what my life was supposed to look like without idolizing my desire to get married, I was growing more and more frustrated. I journaled on August 28, "God, I want to give you this. I want you to be first. I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I am so frustrated. I am confused as to what this is all supposed to look like. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN A BIG WAY!". That evening I was attending the Beth Moore simulcast here in town. The theme of the weekend was Psalm 37:4. "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I think God heard me and He, indeed, showed Himself to me in a big way. Beth Moore said during the conference that sometimes you need an event to permanently change you. That weekend was my event. I heard God tell me that it is ok to want to get married and that I should not be struggling so hard. He wants to give me the desires of my heart but He cannot do that until it is time. In the meantime, I have resolved to asking Him what He needs from me so that He is glorified and my destiny is fulfilled. I have experienced such freedom since that weekend.
The very next weekend I went to Hilton Head with some of my friends from church. I went to Nicaragua with two of the girls. The other two girls are part of a Bible study that I am in. Everyone did not know each other. It was such a great weekend. By the end, it was as though we had all been friends for years. I can't explain to you how honored I am to know these girls and be a part of their lives. The more amazing thing is - they allow me to share part of my life with them as well. I am truly thankful for friendships that God knits together. There is nothing like it.
On a light-hearted note, I have come to know God's sense of humor beyond the fact that He thought it was a good idea to create me. In Nicaragua we were awakened by pesky roosters every morning. I don't know what it was, but the crow of a rooster there did not sound the same as it does here at home. Well, I had fun with this all week and even earned a superlative on the trip because of my severe disdain for these animals. Moving along...I was at Cleveland Park walking the Friday that we were leaving for Hilton Head. This is nothing new - I have been there 100's of times. As I was approaching the equestrian center in the park I heard a rooster crow twice. I was stopped in my tracks and just started laughing. I have never heard a rooster in that park before - NEVER! God just reminded me that He laughs with us and at us all of the time. He is the author of humor and I am so thankful for the personality with which He has entrusted me. It was a gentle reminder that He longs to be with me. He does not need me in the middle of crisis or struggle to show Himself. God became so much more personal to me on that day.
As I was struggling with what my life was supposed to look like without idolizing my desire to get married, I was growing more and more frustrated. I journaled on August 28, "God, I want to give you this. I want you to be first. I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I am so frustrated. I am confused as to what this is all supposed to look like. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN A BIG WAY!". That evening I was attending the Beth Moore simulcast here in town. The theme of the weekend was Psalm 37:4. "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I think God heard me and He, indeed, showed Himself to me in a big way. Beth Moore said during the conference that sometimes you need an event to permanently change you. That weekend was my event. I heard God tell me that it is ok to want to get married and that I should not be struggling so hard. He wants to give me the desires of my heart but He cannot do that until it is time. In the meantime, I have resolved to asking Him what He needs from me so that He is glorified and my destiny is fulfilled. I have experienced such freedom since that weekend.
The very next weekend I went to Hilton Head with some of my friends from church. I went to Nicaragua with two of the girls. The other two girls are part of a Bible study that I am in. Everyone did not know each other. It was such a great weekend. By the end, it was as though we had all been friends for years. I can't explain to you how honored I am to know these girls and be a part of their lives. The more amazing thing is - they allow me to share part of my life with them as well. I am truly thankful for friendships that God knits together. There is nothing like it.
On a light-hearted note, I have come to know God's sense of humor beyond the fact that He thought it was a good idea to create me. In Nicaragua we were awakened by pesky roosters every morning. I don't know what it was, but the crow of a rooster there did not sound the same as it does here at home. Well, I had fun with this all week and even earned a superlative on the trip because of my severe disdain for these animals. Moving along...I was at Cleveland Park walking the Friday that we were leaving for Hilton Head. This is nothing new - I have been there 100's of times. As I was approaching the equestrian center in the park I heard a rooster crow twice. I was stopped in my tracks and just started laughing. I have never heard a rooster in that park before - NEVER! God just reminded me that He laughs with us and at us all of the time. He is the author of humor and I am so thankful for the personality with which He has entrusted me. It was a gentle reminder that He longs to be with me. He does not need me in the middle of crisis or struggle to show Himself. God became so much more personal to me on that day.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Am I Not Enough?
I find myself asking this question a lot. I wonder why things are the way that they are and the same question always come to mind - am I not enough? Today I felt God asking me this question. Karis, am I not enough for you?
Prior to leaving for Nicaragua, I had this overwhelming sense that I was about to enter into something that was so much bigger than myself. I felt the Holy Spirit preparing me and inviting me to truly engage in what God had for my life. If you had asked me then exactly what that looked like I would have told you, with complete certainty, that God was calling me to a foreign mission field and I needed to send in my resignation and pack my bags - this was it! Well, I am glad that I thought these things prior to leaving for Nicaragua. And, I am sure that God really appreciates me dictating what He has for me. But, to my defense, I was so completely overwhelmed that I did not know what else He could be calling me to. Moving on...as the week went on in Nicaragua I knew that, for right now, the mission field is not where God wants me. So, if not the mission field, then what? I began to focus on my career and how that needs to change. And, I am still convinced that my career will not always look like it does now, but I do know that I am right where I need to be for the moment. So, if He is not calling me to missions and He is not asking for an immediate career change, then what does He want?
As I have been back from Nicaragua and pondering what God is trying to do in my life, I have been doing a short devotion every day on David. I really felt like this was the devotion that God led me to and found myself pouring out my heart every day about my desire for marriage and what that is meant to look like. Well, today it hit me square between the eyes what that desire is supposed to look like-a sacrifice. It is supposed to be sacrificially laid on the altar for God to do with it whatever He chooses. GULP! I am beginning to see that part of what God was calling me to prior to Nicaragua involves giving Him my dreams. I have to give God the authority to change my desires. Instead of telling God that I am believing Him for marriage, God convicted me that I must believe Him to bring about His plan for my life and somehow my desires will begin to mirror what He has for me, not what I have for me.
Do you know how afraid I am right now? This is scary business. God has very clearly shown me through His word that I am not entitled to my dreams. He has convicted me that although marriage is not a bad desire to have, I must lay it before Him to do with it what He will. You see, I was holding on to this desire thinking that it was ok for me to trust God with it as long as He does not change it. That is not trusting God the way that He calls us to trust Him. When He called the disciples, He told them to abandon everything...EVERYTHING! And the more shocking part is that they did it and look how it changed the world.
I honestly can't imagine my life without the desire for marriage as a part of it but I do know that I must abandon it. God is asking for it. If He is to have all of me, He is to have all of my hopes and my dreams. But, in turn, He is inviting me to a life where He promises that He is enough. I am encouraged by His Word. In Genesis, right before Abraham bound Isaac to the altar Abraham spoke with such faith as he assured his son that God would provide. It was not until Isaac was on the altar that God provided. In Psalm 103 God tells us that He makes everything work out right and just as a father has compassion on his children so does God for those who fear Him. From these verses I know that God will provide for me what I need based on His plan and that He understands me and He is compassionate with me. Sacrificially living your life out for God is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But, take it from this control freak - it is soooo worth it!
Prior to leaving for Nicaragua, I had this overwhelming sense that I was about to enter into something that was so much bigger than myself. I felt the Holy Spirit preparing me and inviting me to truly engage in what God had for my life. If you had asked me then exactly what that looked like I would have told you, with complete certainty, that God was calling me to a foreign mission field and I needed to send in my resignation and pack my bags - this was it! Well, I am glad that I thought these things prior to leaving for Nicaragua. And, I am sure that God really appreciates me dictating what He has for me. But, to my defense, I was so completely overwhelmed that I did not know what else He could be calling me to. Moving on...as the week went on in Nicaragua I knew that, for right now, the mission field is not where God wants me. So, if not the mission field, then what? I began to focus on my career and how that needs to change. And, I am still convinced that my career will not always look like it does now, but I do know that I am right where I need to be for the moment. So, if He is not calling me to missions and He is not asking for an immediate career change, then what does He want?
As I have been back from Nicaragua and pondering what God is trying to do in my life, I have been doing a short devotion every day on David. I really felt like this was the devotion that God led me to and found myself pouring out my heart every day about my desire for marriage and what that is meant to look like. Well, today it hit me square between the eyes what that desire is supposed to look like-a sacrifice. It is supposed to be sacrificially laid on the altar for God to do with it whatever He chooses. GULP! I am beginning to see that part of what God was calling me to prior to Nicaragua involves giving Him my dreams. I have to give God the authority to change my desires. Instead of telling God that I am believing Him for marriage, God convicted me that I must believe Him to bring about His plan for my life and somehow my desires will begin to mirror what He has for me, not what I have for me.
Do you know how afraid I am right now? This is scary business. God has very clearly shown me through His word that I am not entitled to my dreams. He has convicted me that although marriage is not a bad desire to have, I must lay it before Him to do with it what He will. You see, I was holding on to this desire thinking that it was ok for me to trust God with it as long as He does not change it. That is not trusting God the way that He calls us to trust Him. When He called the disciples, He told them to abandon everything...EVERYTHING! And the more shocking part is that they did it and look how it changed the world.
I honestly can't imagine my life without the desire for marriage as a part of it but I do know that I must abandon it. God is asking for it. If He is to have all of me, He is to have all of my hopes and my dreams. But, in turn, He is inviting me to a life where He promises that He is enough. I am encouraged by His Word. In Genesis, right before Abraham bound Isaac to the altar Abraham spoke with such faith as he assured his son that God would provide. It was not until Isaac was on the altar that God provided. In Psalm 103 God tells us that He makes everything work out right and just as a father has compassion on his children so does God for those who fear Him. From these verses I know that God will provide for me what I need based on His plan and that He understands me and He is compassionate with me. Sacrificially living your life out for God is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But, take it from this control freak - it is soooo worth it!
Monday, August 10, 2009
For Such A Time As This....
I cannot begin to express how perfect God's timing was for me. God placed me in Nicaragua just when I needed to be there most. The trip was an amazing experience and upon my return home I experienced many bittersweet emotions. Being away from everyday life here in the States presents you with the opportunity to recognize what is most important and reaffirm just how desperate we all are for a Savior.
Here is a recap from the trip....
+of+Nicaragua029.jpg)
This picture was taken at the clinic the first Sunday that we were in Nicaragua. After attending church that morning we spent our afternoon setting up the pharmacy at the clinic.
+of+Nicaragua035.jpg)
The picture above is the fruit of our labor Sunday afternoon. We were ready to see patients beginning at 8 a.m. the next morning.
+of+Nicaragua032.jpg)
Every morning we would circle up to pray as we started our day. In Nicaragua it is common practice for everyone to pray out loud at the same time. Although I could not bring myself to pray out loud I did find myself listening to the sound of English and Spanish speakers praying to God at one time. It was such an incredible experience to witness the power of prayer and to be humbled by how big our God is. He is so big that no matter what your native language is - He understands. He created each of the lives in that circle and knew when time began that we would be standing in Nicaragua together. It was quite a humbling experience.
+of+Nicaragua049.jpg)
As a patient entered the clinic some of our team would triage them prior to seeing the doctor. Two doctors were with us on the trip. Dr. Hoffman was with our group from Grace Church and Dra. Aracelis was the Nicaraguan doctor serving with us. The doctors demeanor with the patients and their devotion to seeing every patient was inspiring to watch. After the patients saw the doctor they were led to the tents behind the clinic(which is pictured above)to be presented with the Gospel. The tents were right outside of the windows in the pharmacy. While working to fill the prescriptions we could hear the Nicaraguans praying over everyone who came through the clinic. There were many professions of faith and re dedications. It was a moving experience to hear words that I could not understand while sensing completely that the Holy Spirit was present in those tents behind our clinic.
+of+Nicaragua051.jpg)
This is a picture of the tents in front of the clinic where the patients would wait for their medications. The team in Nicaragua on staff with Christ for the City International would do health care teaching as we were filling the prescriptions.
+of+Nicaragua054.jpg)
Here is our wonderful pharmacy team. We filled an average of 3-4 prescriptions per patient and saw 320 patients in four days. It was hard work but so rewarding. None of the pharmacy team had never worked in a pharmacy on a mission trip. The first day was tough but we finally got our system down by the end of the day on Tuesday. I was responsible for signing off on each prescription that went out of the pharmacy and for the oversight of the pharmacy. I was totally inadequate for the job but God worked through me to get the job done.
+of+Nicaragua072.jpg)
+of+Nicaragua087.jpg)
We also had a construction team with us that helped to lay a floor in the church. Two women, Kelly and Jillian, spent everyday with the children playing. All-in-all you could say that the white people attracted a crowd!
If you would like to see all the pictures from the trip you can go to http://disfrutalo.shutterfly.com. Each team member has downloaded their photos for everyone to share.
As I have had time to process all that God has done in my heart I have taken the following away from my experience:
1. As Christians, we are part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The world that we live in is not reality no matter how much we become enslaved to it. Passively living out our Christian faith is not what God calls us to. It is not what Jesus demonstrated in the Gospels and it will never wins souls for the Kingdom. I sensed the feeling of the overwhelming power of God in Nicaragua more than I have in my entire life. God revealed to me just how imperative it is that I understand that being a Christian means to deny myself daily and rest in the all encompassing power of who He is and what He longs to do in my life.
2. Life cannot be fragmented. We can't just give God part of ourselves. He wants everything. As I worked in the pharmacy and was surrounded by patients again, I realized that God gave me a heart to care about others. He gave me the desire to put my hands on people and comfort them. If I am not using the gift that He has given me in my career then I am not glorifying Him completely with my life. I am now exploring what is next for me and my career and am ready to move when God reveals to me my next step.
3. My obedience to God's plan must be my primary concern for the rest of my life. God must, MUST be my first priority. If He is not first then life will always be out of order. Once I submitted my will to Him it was freeing to realize how all my other desires became secondary to Him. I realized that my desires for marriage and a fulfilling career are not wrong - they are how He blesses me. But, I have been in the way. My career or a future spouse will never sustain the weight of my expectations. Only God can do that for me. When He is first everything else looks so much better.
Here is a recap from the trip....
+of+Nicaragua029.jpg)
This picture was taken at the clinic the first Sunday that we were in Nicaragua. After attending church that morning we spent our afternoon setting up the pharmacy at the clinic.
+of+Nicaragua035.jpg)
The picture above is the fruit of our labor Sunday afternoon. We were ready to see patients beginning at 8 a.m. the next morning.
+of+Nicaragua032.jpg)
Every morning we would circle up to pray as we started our day. In Nicaragua it is common practice for everyone to pray out loud at the same time. Although I could not bring myself to pray out loud I did find myself listening to the sound of English and Spanish speakers praying to God at one time. It was such an incredible experience to witness the power of prayer and to be humbled by how big our God is. He is so big that no matter what your native language is - He understands. He created each of the lives in that circle and knew when time began that we would be standing in Nicaragua together. It was quite a humbling experience.
+of+Nicaragua049.jpg)
As a patient entered the clinic some of our team would triage them prior to seeing the doctor. Two doctors were with us on the trip. Dr. Hoffman was with our group from Grace Church and Dra. Aracelis was the Nicaraguan doctor serving with us. The doctors demeanor with the patients and their devotion to seeing every patient was inspiring to watch. After the patients saw the doctor they were led to the tents behind the clinic(which is pictured above)to be presented with the Gospel. The tents were right outside of the windows in the pharmacy. While working to fill the prescriptions we could hear the Nicaraguans praying over everyone who came through the clinic. There were many professions of faith and re dedications. It was a moving experience to hear words that I could not understand while sensing completely that the Holy Spirit was present in those tents behind our clinic.
+of+Nicaragua051.jpg)
This is a picture of the tents in front of the clinic where the patients would wait for their medications. The team in Nicaragua on staff with Christ for the City International would do health care teaching as we were filling the prescriptions.
+of+Nicaragua054.jpg)
Here is our wonderful pharmacy team. We filled an average of 3-4 prescriptions per patient and saw 320 patients in four days. It was hard work but so rewarding. None of the pharmacy team had never worked in a pharmacy on a mission trip. The first day was tough but we finally got our system down by the end of the day on Tuesday. I was responsible for signing off on each prescription that went out of the pharmacy and for the oversight of the pharmacy. I was totally inadequate for the job but God worked through me to get the job done.
+of+Nicaragua072.jpg)
+of+Nicaragua087.jpg)
We also had a construction team with us that helped to lay a floor in the church. Two women, Kelly and Jillian, spent everyday with the children playing. All-in-all you could say that the white people attracted a crowd!
If you would like to see all the pictures from the trip you can go to http://disfrutalo.shutterfly.com. Each team member has downloaded their photos for everyone to share.
As I have had time to process all that God has done in my heart I have taken the following away from my experience:
1. As Christians, we are part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The world that we live in is not reality no matter how much we become enslaved to it. Passively living out our Christian faith is not what God calls us to. It is not what Jesus demonstrated in the Gospels and it will never wins souls for the Kingdom. I sensed the feeling of the overwhelming power of God in Nicaragua more than I have in my entire life. God revealed to me just how imperative it is that I understand that being a Christian means to deny myself daily and rest in the all encompassing power of who He is and what He longs to do in my life.
2. Life cannot be fragmented. We can't just give God part of ourselves. He wants everything. As I worked in the pharmacy and was surrounded by patients again, I realized that God gave me a heart to care about others. He gave me the desire to put my hands on people and comfort them. If I am not using the gift that He has given me in my career then I am not glorifying Him completely with my life. I am now exploring what is next for me and my career and am ready to move when God reveals to me my next step.
3. My obedience to God's plan must be my primary concern for the rest of my life. God must, MUST be my first priority. If He is not first then life will always be out of order. Once I submitted my will to Him it was freeing to realize how all my other desires became secondary to Him. I realized that my desires for marriage and a fulfilling career are not wrong - they are how He blesses me. But, I have been in the way. My career or a future spouse will never sustain the weight of my expectations. Only God can do that for me. When He is first everything else looks so much better.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Reality Check
I leave Saturday for Nicaragua and it really bothers me to know that my last post would've been about my lack of faith. Hence today's post...
I have had several reality checks since my last blog. I just thought that I would share some of my heart with you.
Here are things that I have learned in the past week and a half:
1. When you think that God is not providing - think again. I had a little temper tantrum with God last week when I was traveling with work. The truth of the matter is, I was just angry with God for not providing the entire amount for my trip. I was in the middle of my tyraid when He very strongly reminded me of three things: A) I have a job, a very good job that exceeds my needs and provides me financial opportunities to do things like go on a mission trip with little to no financial burden. I should receive this job with humility because it is from Him and other people would give anything to even have a job right now. WOW - that one hit me HARD! B) God did provide for me in the way that I originally asked Him to when I said yes to this trip. I have said, from the beginning, that if I raise half of the money for the trip I will be ok if I have to pay the other half. God provided five dollars more than half of my trip. Again, I was very humbled by this realization. I also realized that I put God in a box in the very beginning. I told Him how much to provide for me and then when I thought that it wasn't enough I started to complain and became angry at how unfaithful God seemed. My attitude was wrong and I wasn't ready to budge. Finally, C) When sin is present and you stubbornly settle into it you lose all of the security of who God is and what He is really doing in your life. I refused to believe that my feelings toward God were wrong. My attitude and actions portrayed this and I allowed the distance between God and me to become more and more. Guess what, Satan was accomplishing the very thing that he had set out to do 2 weeks prior to me leaving on a mission trip. I was more determined not to let Satan win than to stay mad at God and bask in my rotten attitude.
2. As much as I thought that I was prepared for Satan's attacks, I wasn't. I fell right into his schemes just as he wanted. I wasn't in the Word and definitely wasn't on my knees like I needed to be. I felt like I could handle it if I knew that it was coming. But Satan is much more shrewd than I am. He has managed to attack every insecurity that I have and then some. Satan definitely had the upper hand until one day I stopped and asked God for wisdom and freedom from the mind games. It is funny how a prayer so simple can bring such freedom and clarity.
I am excited to be leaving for Nicaragua in less than 48 hours. I am believing God that this trip will bring true life change and a much needed shift in perspective. Please be in prayer for our team as we will be gone starting July 25 and returning August 2. I anticipate great things and am looking forward to seeing how God is working in different parts of our world.
I have had several reality checks since my last blog. I just thought that I would share some of my heart with you.
Here are things that I have learned in the past week and a half:
1. When you think that God is not providing - think again. I had a little temper tantrum with God last week when I was traveling with work. The truth of the matter is, I was just angry with God for not providing the entire amount for my trip. I was in the middle of my tyraid when He very strongly reminded me of three things: A) I have a job, a very good job that exceeds my needs and provides me financial opportunities to do things like go on a mission trip with little to no financial burden. I should receive this job with humility because it is from Him and other people would give anything to even have a job right now. WOW - that one hit me HARD! B) God did provide for me in the way that I originally asked Him to when I said yes to this trip. I have said, from the beginning, that if I raise half of the money for the trip I will be ok if I have to pay the other half. God provided five dollars more than half of my trip. Again, I was very humbled by this realization. I also realized that I put God in a box in the very beginning. I told Him how much to provide for me and then when I thought that it wasn't enough I started to complain and became angry at how unfaithful God seemed. My attitude was wrong and I wasn't ready to budge. Finally, C) When sin is present and you stubbornly settle into it you lose all of the security of who God is and what He is really doing in your life. I refused to believe that my feelings toward God were wrong. My attitude and actions portrayed this and I allowed the distance between God and me to become more and more. Guess what, Satan was accomplishing the very thing that he had set out to do 2 weeks prior to me leaving on a mission trip. I was more determined not to let Satan win than to stay mad at God and bask in my rotten attitude.
2. As much as I thought that I was prepared for Satan's attacks, I wasn't. I fell right into his schemes just as he wanted. I wasn't in the Word and definitely wasn't on my knees like I needed to be. I felt like I could handle it if I knew that it was coming. But Satan is much more shrewd than I am. He has managed to attack every insecurity that I have and then some. Satan definitely had the upper hand until one day I stopped and asked God for wisdom and freedom from the mind games. It is funny how a prayer so simple can bring such freedom and clarity.
I am excited to be leaving for Nicaragua in less than 48 hours. I am believing God that this trip will bring true life change and a much needed shift in perspective. Please be in prayer for our team as we will be gone starting July 25 and returning August 2. I anticipate great things and am looking forward to seeing how God is working in different parts of our world.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I Need Help...
....with my attitude.
July is so super busy I go into mild cardiac arrest thinking about how I am going to get everything done. I am traveling with work part of the first two weeks of July. I am on family vacation the third week and off to Nicaragua for the final week of this month. Although most of my travel is personal and exciting I am having a hard time finding enthusiasm.
The timeline for final payment for my Nicaragua trip is approaching ever-so-quickly. July 19 will be here far sooner than I prefer. Considering I have only raised half of my support for the trip, I am discouraged and disheartened. I know I am supposed to believe that God is faithful but, to tell you the truth, my faith is waning and I am starting to wonder if this trip was ever part of His plan for me. Low support, coupled with a waiting period that seems like it will never end, brings me to a place I rather not be. My spirits are low to say the least. Even though I know that it seemed pretty clear at the time to say yes to the trip, Satan has a tight grip on my mind right now and is trying to convince me that God does not make good on any of His promises....for me at least. I feel like I am on the perpetual side line watching God fulfill promises for everyone but me. Please pray that my mind and attitude would change as I have a very important trip for which I need to be spiritually prepared. Please pray that I will find my peace again and the joy that only God can bring.
I do believe...help my unbelief, lack of faith, attitude that stinks, etc...etc.
Thanks for your prayers and support. Please accept my apologies for this less than uplifting post!
July is so super busy I go into mild cardiac arrest thinking about how I am going to get everything done. I am traveling with work part of the first two weeks of July. I am on family vacation the third week and off to Nicaragua for the final week of this month. Although most of my travel is personal and exciting I am having a hard time finding enthusiasm.
The timeline for final payment for my Nicaragua trip is approaching ever-so-quickly. July 19 will be here far sooner than I prefer. Considering I have only raised half of my support for the trip, I am discouraged and disheartened. I know I am supposed to believe that God is faithful but, to tell you the truth, my faith is waning and I am starting to wonder if this trip was ever part of His plan for me. Low support, coupled with a waiting period that seems like it will never end, brings me to a place I rather not be. My spirits are low to say the least. Even though I know that it seemed pretty clear at the time to say yes to the trip, Satan has a tight grip on my mind right now and is trying to convince me that God does not make good on any of His promises....for me at least. I feel like I am on the perpetual side line watching God fulfill promises for everyone but me. Please pray that my mind and attitude would change as I have a very important trip for which I need to be spiritually prepared. Please pray that I will find my peace again and the joy that only God can bring.
I do believe...help my unbelief, lack of faith, attitude that stinks, etc...etc.
Thanks for your prayers and support. Please accept my apologies for this less than uplifting post!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Things that make you go hmmm....
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Random Quotes from an Almost Three Year Old
My niece will be 3 next month. It is hard to believe that she is growing up so fast. Although I miss her as an infant, I love the things that she can say now. She started talking pretty early and has developed quite the little vocabulary. Here are some things that she has to say...
One afternoon last week June 2009
Brooke ( Her Mom): Here Julia Anne, talk to Aunt Karis while I talk to Daddy on the phone.
JA: Hey Aunt Karis. Silence....long silence.
Brooke: JA, why are you not talking to Aunt Karis?
JA: Because she said she was tired of me. ( LIAR!!)
Early Saturday Morning
Cam, JA's dad had taken her to watch the moo cows while Brooke was home tending to chores. Here is JA's observation while watching the bull...
JA: Daddy, what is that down there? It looks like a big potato.
Cam: Silence. ( This is even funnier if you know Cam and his modesty!)
Last Night in the Bathtub
JA apparently was a little gassy after supper.
JA: Mom, I have fireworks coming out of my butt!
Brooke: Laughter.
Brooke: JA, do we say butt?
JA: No, bottom. I have fireworks coming out of my bottom. Ashley says butt.
Some say she acts like her aunt. If that is the case - she will have a fun-filled life with many friends. I remind her grandmother of that often ;)!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Chances We Take
I just found out that I have to take Molaria medication before, during and after my trip to Nicaragua. The major side effects of this medication that you may or may not experience are psychosis and depression.
If psychosis sets in, will I really notice a difference? Ahh, the chances we take.
( Your comments are not welcomed. )
If psychosis sets in, will I really notice a difference? Ahh, the chances we take.
( Your comments are not welcomed. )
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
You Just Never Know
Who you may meet in line in the grocery store, sitting next you on an airplane or, in my case, sitting next to on a lab bench at the University of Florida. I was working there today for the first time. The first time that I have to go to a site can be a bit stressful just because you don't know where you are going and you don't know who you will be working with. Sometimes the roadways throughout a town are complex, other times they are simple. Although my GPS always comes in handy, it does not take into account the medians or closed lanes due to construction. Not only do you have to navigate your way through unfamiliar territory, you also have to establish new working relationships with people who may or may not be happy to see you coming....it's just the nature of what I do. In any case, when you travel on a regular and you strike up the rare, encouraging, just what you need kind of conversation with a random stranger - you get this overwhelming sense that this stranger is no coincidence whatsoever.
This happened to me today. I was working and minding my own business when the other monitor walked into the lab. I did not think much of her at first. We casually started talking about how we had gotten to where we are in our careers, so on and so forth. The entire time that we were talking I could tell that there was something different about her. There was just a genuine concern to really get to know me and the same was true for me. I really wanted to hear about her life. I will spare you all of the pointless details but my point here is this - she was just who I needed to run into today. We had so much in common. She is a little bit older than me but shares the same values, beliefs, jobs and single life. I needed to meet her. I needed to know that other single, professional women exist and feel the same way that I do sometimes. I needed to know that what I occasionally feel is normal and that I am not alone in all of it. I just needed to meet someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.
As I think about this no so "chance" encounter, I began to ask myself - what kind of vibe to I give off? Am I open to truly hearing other people? Am I approachable? Do people know that there is something different in my life? I hope so. I hope to share with others just a little part of me so that they, too, may be encouraged to know that there just so happens to be someone out there that understands.
This happened to me today. I was working and minding my own business when the other monitor walked into the lab. I did not think much of her at first. We casually started talking about how we had gotten to where we are in our careers, so on and so forth. The entire time that we were talking I could tell that there was something different about her. There was just a genuine concern to really get to know me and the same was true for me. I really wanted to hear about her life. I will spare you all of the pointless details but my point here is this - she was just who I needed to run into today. We had so much in common. She is a little bit older than me but shares the same values, beliefs, jobs and single life. I needed to meet her. I needed to know that other single, professional women exist and feel the same way that I do sometimes. I needed to know that what I occasionally feel is normal and that I am not alone in all of it. I just needed to meet someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.
As I think about this no so "chance" encounter, I began to ask myself - what kind of vibe to I give off? Am I open to truly hearing other people? Am I approachable? Do people know that there is something different in my life? I hope so. I hope to share with others just a little part of me so that they, too, may be encouraged to know that there just so happens to be someone out there that understands.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Protected
"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
Psalm 91:1 -2
Last week was a week full of surprises - and none of them pleasant. Information that I have received or realizations that I have been forced to come to terms with have been hard to swallow in the past 4 days. However, in the midst of everything, I have so strongly sensed God's protection.
The truth is not always a pretty little gift tied together with a pretty little bow. No matter how ugly the truth may be, though, there is protection and freedom in it. I have found myself asking why so many relate to God as the light of the world when I seem to be making so many decisions to trust Him in blind faith. Some of these decisons were made years ago and some just days ago. No matter how much time has lapsed between now and then, I now understand why God is the true light of the world. God is absolute truth. In time the truth is revealed and all things are made visible. Not only is God the light that we all yearn for and should follow, He is also the light of truth that frees us from our doubts...the what ifs...the quest for a reason. In His time, His light is revealed and the truth of things are made known while resting in the protection of His shadow. He goes before us, loving us and shielding us until we are ready for what He has to reveal.
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
Psalm 91:1 -2
Last week was a week full of surprises - and none of them pleasant. Information that I have received or realizations that I have been forced to come to terms with have been hard to swallow in the past 4 days. However, in the midst of everything, I have so strongly sensed God's protection.
The truth is not always a pretty little gift tied together with a pretty little bow. No matter how ugly the truth may be, though, there is protection and freedom in it. I have found myself asking why so many relate to God as the light of the world when I seem to be making so many decisions to trust Him in blind faith. Some of these decisons were made years ago and some just days ago. No matter how much time has lapsed between now and then, I now understand why God is the true light of the world. God is absolute truth. In time the truth is revealed and all things are made visible. Not only is God the light that we all yearn for and should follow, He is also the light of truth that frees us from our doubts...the what ifs...the quest for a reason. In His time, His light is revealed and the truth of things are made known while resting in the protection of His shadow. He goes before us, loving us and shielding us until we are ready for what He has to reveal.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Part of the Circle
I am seeing now, more than ever, that God brings things full circle. Not just in my life but for everyone who trusts Him.
It occurred to me this morning how just several days ago I was pouring my heart out over being single. How badly I wanted to be ok with where I am and watch God bring about the desires of my heart when He so sees fit. Just several days ago I never thought that God could so quickly bring me to a place of being happy right where I am, but He has!
I realized that when I said yes to going to Nicaragua I did not have to ask a husband if he was ok with it. I did not have to think about a boyfriend that I would have to miss while I was gone. I could make the decision based on what I know is right for me and what God has for me. Ahh, the freedom I awakened to this morning!
As God works in me through each trial He is kind to show me how He brings life's struggles full circle. God is generous to give us just enough of the the big picture to press on and know, with certainty, that His plan will be accomplished. Needless to say, I am overwhelmed in this moment of how FAITHFUL God is and how much I need His love in my life.
It occurred to me this morning how just several days ago I was pouring my heart out over being single. How badly I wanted to be ok with where I am and watch God bring about the desires of my heart when He so sees fit. Just several days ago I never thought that God could so quickly bring me to a place of being happy right where I am, but He has!
I realized that when I said yes to going to Nicaragua I did not have to ask a husband if he was ok with it. I did not have to think about a boyfriend that I would have to miss while I was gone. I could make the decision based on what I know is right for me and what God has for me. Ahh, the freedom I awakened to this morning!
As God works in me through each trial He is kind to show me how He brings life's struggles full circle. God is generous to give us just enough of the the big picture to press on and know, with certainty, that His plan will be accomplished. Needless to say, I am overwhelmed in this moment of how FAITHFUL God is and how much I need His love in my life.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
It's Been Seven Years Since.....
I last went on a mission trip. My last mission trip was to Asia. I went with a group from the church where I grew up. It was one of the most fun and amazing trips that I have been on. Just take a stroll down memory lane with me for a minute....
Picture it ( just like Sophia on Golden Girls ).... 4 American girls were invited on a boat ride along the Yellow River by our new found Chinese friends. The Yellow River is so nasty that the slightest encounter would corrode an American body in no time flat. Without thinking much about it, we accepted the invitation. I don't know about the other three girls, but I was imagining a large boat with railings and bench seating and a captain to tell you about all of the sites you are beholding as you cruise up the Yellow River. You know - something that they would do in the States.
Moving on....we got directions from our friends and met them at the docks later that evening. I will never forget the looks on the faces of my American friends as we approached "the docks". They were docks alright - consisting of about 10 boards of lumber and something underneath to float them. We started looking around for the big boat with the nice railing and flashing lights. That boat was no where to be found. Instead, there were small white boats that were equivalent to a john boat steered by the motor in the back. We all looked at each other and said, "we have to do this, we cannot offend them and act like we are too good or scared". So, all six of us ( 4 Americans and 2 Chinese) load into one boat. The drivers of the boat were very quick to tell us that we must take 2 boats because "Americans too fat"!
So, my friend and I got out and moved to another boat along with one of the Chinese girls. I believe that our driver sensed my love of speed and adventure and my friend's terror of it. He definitely opted for the adventure. We were speeding up the Yellow River, the water not 3 feet from us. He was whipping us around, creating waves and crashing over them. I would dare say that we were airborne at one point. I don't know what I found more entertaining, the boat ride or my friend's words as she cried out to Jesus to save us! It was a memory that I will treasure forever and know that God does have a plan for the six girls who took a boatride that night because we all survived. The next day we heard on the news that people had died from a boat ride on the Yellow River. Again, I am certain that providence was working in our favor that night!
I hope that you enjoyed that story....now, on to why I am really blogging. I have decided to go to Nicaragua with Grace Church this July to participate in a medical mission trip. I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to get back on the short-term mission field. One might think that God had to really deal with me on this - but the truth of the matter is - He didn't. I have been contemplating whether or not I should participate. I didn't sense a resounding yes or no - I just knew that I would have to sacrifice some family vacation time to fit in the trip with the amount of hours I have accrued at work. And, to be honest, I was just going to let this trip pass me by and I would catch the next one. Grace does several of these trips a year and my thought was - well, once I have accrued more time off next year I will go. God had different plans.
One day last week I received an unexpected email from one of our pastors on staff at the church. I thought to myself, how does he know that I exist and how did he get in contact with me? Looking back on it, I had gone to lunch on Sunday and met someone who had just returned from the April trip. He found out that I was a nurse and only said, "you should consider going sometime". I did not think much about it and went about my week until I received the email stating that the team is in need of at least one more medical professional. When I look back and put the pieces together, I can't say no to what God has clearly already set into motion. Afterall, He has been grooming me for this for quite some time - saying yes when He first proposes the question.
Picture it ( just like Sophia on Golden Girls ).... 4 American girls were invited on a boat ride along the Yellow River by our new found Chinese friends. The Yellow River is so nasty that the slightest encounter would corrode an American body in no time flat. Without thinking much about it, we accepted the invitation. I don't know about the other three girls, but I was imagining a large boat with railings and bench seating and a captain to tell you about all of the sites you are beholding as you cruise up the Yellow River. You know - something that they would do in the States.
Moving on....we got directions from our friends and met them at the docks later that evening. I will never forget the looks on the faces of my American friends as we approached "the docks". They were docks alright - consisting of about 10 boards of lumber and something underneath to float them. We started looking around for the big boat with the nice railing and flashing lights. That boat was no where to be found. Instead, there were small white boats that were equivalent to a john boat steered by the motor in the back. We all looked at each other and said, "we have to do this, we cannot offend them and act like we are too good or scared". So, all six of us ( 4 Americans and 2 Chinese) load into one boat. The drivers of the boat were very quick to tell us that we must take 2 boats because "Americans too fat"!
So, my friend and I got out and moved to another boat along with one of the Chinese girls. I believe that our driver sensed my love of speed and adventure and my friend's terror of it. He definitely opted for the adventure. We were speeding up the Yellow River, the water not 3 feet from us. He was whipping us around, creating waves and crashing over them. I would dare say that we were airborne at one point. I don't know what I found more entertaining, the boat ride or my friend's words as she cried out to Jesus to save us! It was a memory that I will treasure forever and know that God does have a plan for the six girls who took a boatride that night because we all survived. The next day we heard on the news that people had died from a boat ride on the Yellow River. Again, I am certain that providence was working in our favor that night!
I hope that you enjoyed that story....now, on to why I am really blogging. I have decided to go to Nicaragua with Grace Church this July to participate in a medical mission trip. I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to get back on the short-term mission field. One might think that God had to really deal with me on this - but the truth of the matter is - He didn't. I have been contemplating whether or not I should participate. I didn't sense a resounding yes or no - I just knew that I would have to sacrifice some family vacation time to fit in the trip with the amount of hours I have accrued at work. And, to be honest, I was just going to let this trip pass me by and I would catch the next one. Grace does several of these trips a year and my thought was - well, once I have accrued more time off next year I will go. God had different plans.
One day last week I received an unexpected email from one of our pastors on staff at the church. I thought to myself, how does he know that I exist and how did he get in contact with me? Looking back on it, I had gone to lunch on Sunday and met someone who had just returned from the April trip. He found out that I was a nurse and only said, "you should consider going sometime". I did not think much about it and went about my week until I received the email stating that the team is in need of at least one more medical professional. When I look back and put the pieces together, I can't say no to what God has clearly already set into motion. Afterall, He has been grooming me for this for quite some time - saying yes when He first proposes the question.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thought I Would Share
I receive a verse a day via email. This was my verse for today and I found it really encouraging:
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.
Ephesians 1:18-19
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.
Ephesians 1:18-19
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
In Pursuit of What?
It is so amazing to me how instantly things seem to change when God shows up. I am not talking about the circumstances that surround me or anything physically related to me. I am talking about my heart and mindset. I am completely in awe of the chains that are broken when God reveals Himself.
If you didn't already know - I struggle with the desire to get married. There is so much surrounding this desire that it would take 5 days to list every single detail of the struggle and why I think that God has placed this in my life. The bottom line is this - I struggle with an unfulfilled desire that God has yet to satisfy. I think that we all can find ourselves in that position at some point in life - no matter what that desire may be. For me, singleness/desire to marry has been a very sensitive matter. It has been a point of weakness. If I voice that I actually struggle with being single and the desire to be married - then surely I am weak and lacking something in my spiritual life.
I would not trade my single years for anything, really, I wouldn't. But, this is what I have come to terms with while being single - OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DEALT WITH SINGLENESS DO NOT GET IT!!!! Although that does not sound very humble, I do say that with great humility and the realization that everyone struggles with something.
Moving on....I have dealt with the unhappiness, discontentment, longing, etc, etc that singleness brings for four years now. It has been four years since I have been in a relationship any longer than 4 months. I felt sure that I would be married by now when I painfully ended my last serious relationship. Guess what - I am not. The pursuit of marriage has come to haunt me. It has distracted me and robbed me of my joy for far too long and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
As I was doing my Bible study this morning, God convicted me. EVERYTHING that I have pursued for the past 4 years has been out of the desire to be married. If I move to Wilmington, my husband will show up. If I redefine myself and get involved with church in Wilmington, I will meet my husband. If I move home, I will find my soul mate. If I wrap myself up in the student ministry at Grace, I am bound to meet my husband. I never wanted to admit this, but the truth of the matter is - I have been playing this game with God - if I SERVE you, God, then you give me my husband. I have essentially told God that if I do "this" for you then you owe me a husband and a marriage that will last for all time and I can finally close this chapter in my fairytale kind of life.
Once I finally realized that I have been pursuing marriage harder than God, my heart sank and I approached God with my head sagging. I was disgusted to think that I had been trying to manipulate God all of this time. How much time have I wasted? What blessings have I missed out on? And then, in the silence of my despair, God whispers to me and says - now, you've got it! Let's move on to what else I have for you.
God has spent 4 years....4 YEARS getting me to this point. He has brought me through so many victories in the past 4 years. However, as I would look back I could only see defeat because of the one unfulfilled desire. I have now come to realize that the one unfulfilled desire in my life has completely defeated and disabled me from experiencing everything that God has for me. This does not mean that my desire to be married is any less strong or absent. The desire is still very much present. But, the pursuit, the chase, the need to seize the desire is gone.
What is it that you pursue? What drives you and motivates you to seek God? Is it His unconditional love or His power to provide what you decide will bless you? You see, I had to come to the realization that I wanted marriage more than God. Marriage had become my idol. I am pretty sure that there is a commandment in there that states: " There shall be no other gods before me". What is your idol? What are you chasing? And, most importantly, is it worth more than God?
If you didn't already know - I struggle with the desire to get married. There is so much surrounding this desire that it would take 5 days to list every single detail of the struggle and why I think that God has placed this in my life. The bottom line is this - I struggle with an unfulfilled desire that God has yet to satisfy. I think that we all can find ourselves in that position at some point in life - no matter what that desire may be. For me, singleness/desire to marry has been a very sensitive matter. It has been a point of weakness. If I voice that I actually struggle with being single and the desire to be married - then surely I am weak and lacking something in my spiritual life.
I would not trade my single years for anything, really, I wouldn't. But, this is what I have come to terms with while being single - OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DEALT WITH SINGLENESS DO NOT GET IT!!!! Although that does not sound very humble, I do say that with great humility and the realization that everyone struggles with something.
Moving on....I have dealt with the unhappiness, discontentment, longing, etc, etc that singleness brings for four years now. It has been four years since I have been in a relationship any longer than 4 months. I felt sure that I would be married by now when I painfully ended my last serious relationship. Guess what - I am not. The pursuit of marriage has come to haunt me. It has distracted me and robbed me of my joy for far too long and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
As I was doing my Bible study this morning, God convicted me. EVERYTHING that I have pursued for the past 4 years has been out of the desire to be married. If I move to Wilmington, my husband will show up. If I redefine myself and get involved with church in Wilmington, I will meet my husband. If I move home, I will find my soul mate. If I wrap myself up in the student ministry at Grace, I am bound to meet my husband. I never wanted to admit this, but the truth of the matter is - I have been playing this game with God - if I SERVE you, God, then you give me my husband. I have essentially told God that if I do "this" for you then you owe me a husband and a marriage that will last for all time and I can finally close this chapter in my fairytale kind of life.
Once I finally realized that I have been pursuing marriage harder than God, my heart sank and I approached God with my head sagging. I was disgusted to think that I had been trying to manipulate God all of this time. How much time have I wasted? What blessings have I missed out on? And then, in the silence of my despair, God whispers to me and says - now, you've got it! Let's move on to what else I have for you.
God has spent 4 years....4 YEARS getting me to this point. He has brought me through so many victories in the past 4 years. However, as I would look back I could only see defeat because of the one unfulfilled desire. I have now come to realize that the one unfulfilled desire in my life has completely defeated and disabled me from experiencing everything that God has for me. This does not mean that my desire to be married is any less strong or absent. The desire is still very much present. But, the pursuit, the chase, the need to seize the desire is gone.
What is it that you pursue? What drives you and motivates you to seek God? Is it His unconditional love or His power to provide what you decide will bless you? You see, I had to come to the realization that I wanted marriage more than God. Marriage had become my idol. I am pretty sure that there is a commandment in there that states: " There shall be no other gods before me". What is your idol? What are you chasing? And, most importantly, is it worth more than God?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Revelation
The word revelation may be a bit too strong to use as a title. Nonetheless, I have had a small revelation and feel the need to blog about it. As I was doing my Bible study this morning and journaling, I realized that God has brought me to a place where I actually don't mind the whole waiting part. He showed me that I just mess things up and that the mess ups are much more emotionally taxing than just waiting on Him. This may sound very elementary and simple to most of you - but this is pretty exciting for me. It has finally clicked!
Isaiah 40:31 says this - "Those who WAIT upon the Lord renew their strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and do not grow tired, they walk and do not grow weary".
I finally believe this.
Isaiah 40:31 says this - "Those who WAIT upon the Lord renew their strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and do not grow tired, they walk and do not grow weary".
I finally believe this.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Days of Old
I am in the middle of planning my 10 year high school reunion. I thought that it would be marvelous to be class president and have this responsibility one day - don't ask me what I think now :). Seriously, planning this reunion has not been so bad and I have had wonderful help from a fellow classmate!
Since planning has commenced, I have found myself shuffling through old year books and going through and cleaning out things that I have kept for years. I even read through my senior scrapbook a few months ago. Wow...things have CHANGED!
I have been very reminiscent lately. I am trapped in a state of nostalgia that I just can't shake. I find myself almost longing for those simple days to return. I never knew how good I had it. Don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the life that I have now, but life was definitely less stressful 10 years ago.
So, let's take a stroll back to 1999. 10 years ago I was...
Since planning has commenced, I have found myself shuffling through old year books and going through and cleaning out things that I have kept for years. I even read through my senior scrapbook a few months ago. Wow...things have CHANGED!
I have been very reminiscent lately. I am trapped in a state of nostalgia that I just can't shake. I find myself almost longing for those simple days to return. I never knew how good I had it. Don't get me wrong - I am so thankful for the life that I have now, but life was definitely less stressful 10 years ago.
So, let's take a stroll back to 1999. 10 years ago I was...
- Reeling after turning 18 just 3 weeks earlier. I was an official adult...Mom and Dad no longer had any say in what my life would look like - yeah right!
- Scrambling to get the pictures in for the senior slide show.
- In a horrible relationship.
- Eating less than 1000 calories a day and watching my hair fall out.
- Preparing for my senior presentation.
- Preparing for the end of the year finals.
- Preparing for graduation and my speech that I was to deliver.
- Anxious about what would lie ahead of me.
- Completely miserable to be around because I did not handle life change very well.
- So oblivious that the world was not revolving around me.
Now, 10 years older and hopefully a little bit wiser, I would give myself the following advice:
- Quit worrying about your weight and your body. It defines way too much of you and leads you down destructive paths.
- Don't go to college with a boyfriend.
- Don't try to find your husband while you are in college - enjoy every "single"minute of it!
- Understand that you are about to enter into the most magical 4 years of your life - you are not living at home, you are getting a great education and you are paying for NOTHING!
- Spend less time worrying about pleasing others and truly seek what the Lord has in store for you.
- Obey, obey, obey the first time when you finally realize what it is that God wants you to do, ( I still have to work on this one!).
- Treasure your family.
- Don't let everyone else define you - believe in yourself and the person God so brilliantly created.
I could go on and on. I just wish that I could have by-passed some of the hardest lessons that I had to learn, but I would not be the person that I am today. I am so thankful that God loves me just as much now as He did then. He knew what road I would choose the day that I walked across the stage at my high school graduation. He knew all of my successes, mistakes, heartbreaks and failures - and He loved me anyway. I truly wish that I had grasped that concept then like I do now - I probably would have made some different choices. I only hope that I continue to grow in the knowledge of His love. How comforting it is to see where He has brought me. As I look forward through the lens of my past I am quite encouraged as I wait on what God has for me.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
And the Diagnosis Is....
Litter Box Aversion. No, your eyes do not deceive you. That's right. I paid $200 to have my cat diagnosed with litter box aversion. So, for any of you cat lovers out there who have experienced this...please pass along any helpful tips as to how we get over this. If Emma is not using her litter box by Friday she will be placed on an antidepressant - Elavil - to get her over this hurdle. I may borrow some of her medication to get me over the hump as well :).
So what is litter box aversion, you ask. For some reason Emma has developed some kind of anxiety when approaching her litter box. It could be as complex as small, undetectable crystals in her urine making elimination painful or as simple as she doesn't like how her litter feels or smells. Well, I know my cat and I know how finicky she can be - so I am going to put my money on the latter.
I have been thinking about this all afternoon and am just puzzled by the phenomenon. I mean, I provide food and water for Emma. Her litter box stays clean. What else could I do for a cat? Why is she not happy if her litter box is not "just right"? And to think that she may have to be on Elavil - just to have her use the bathroom. It sounds so crazy to me. But then I realize that I am not really all that different when it comes to life.
A strange correlation, I know. Stay with me on this one...
Since I turned 28 last week I have been taking some serious inventory on my life: where I am , what I have accomplished and what I feel like is missing. From the outside looking in, I have found that my life ROCKS! However, I can so easily become fixated on the few things in my life that are "just not the way that I want them" . There is a sense of entitlement to the "just right life". I can get so caught up in what I don't have that I completely destroy all of the good things in my life with my attitude.
Life is hard when God seems to be withholding any desire. Whether it be finding a husband, the perfect job, having children, keeping your family together, etc, etc - when life does not go as expected we need to be put on Elavil! I struggle with the whole "God's timing" thing. I mean - I think that it is ridiculous to not just give in and give me what I want in that very moment. But then I start to think about how a father doesn't give his child the very first beat- up car that he wants because he knows that in a few years he will get a brand new one for graduation. The father wants the child to have the car that is "just right". You get my drift. And then I think, how much more God wants to give me. He wants me to have a life that is better than "just right". He wants to exceed my expectations. All I have to do on my part is wait...and that is the HARDEST.
I was talking to my very wise friend Alicia today and she made an amazing point - God's word never says that He will remove our desires or withhold them. She said that God asks for our burdens, our anxieties, our battles, but He never asks for our desires. Let that sink in for a minute. God never asks us to sacrifice our desires. How incredible. I do believe that God will change our hearts as long as they are surrendered to Him. Even if our hearts change and put to rest an old desire, we still did not sacrifice it. We finally realize that we just don't want it any more. How freeing is that realization and how awesome is God for loving us that way?
I just need to be reminded, sometimes, that God is for me. He is not against me and my relationship is not a game to Him. My reactions and emotions do not have to be calculated like my next chess move in order to win His favor. Because of the blood of Christ and God's never-ending love, I have more favor with Him than I could ever earn on my own. If I allow myself to bask in that reality - I may never need Elavil :).
So what is litter box aversion, you ask. For some reason Emma has developed some kind of anxiety when approaching her litter box. It could be as complex as small, undetectable crystals in her urine making elimination painful or as simple as she doesn't like how her litter feels or smells. Well, I know my cat and I know how finicky she can be - so I am going to put my money on the latter.
I have been thinking about this all afternoon and am just puzzled by the phenomenon. I mean, I provide food and water for Emma. Her litter box stays clean. What else could I do for a cat? Why is she not happy if her litter box is not "just right"? And to think that she may have to be on Elavil - just to have her use the bathroom. It sounds so crazy to me. But then I realize that I am not really all that different when it comes to life.
A strange correlation, I know. Stay with me on this one...
Since I turned 28 last week I have been taking some serious inventory on my life: where I am , what I have accomplished and what I feel like is missing. From the outside looking in, I have found that my life ROCKS! However, I can so easily become fixated on the few things in my life that are "just not the way that I want them" . There is a sense of entitlement to the "just right life". I can get so caught up in what I don't have that I completely destroy all of the good things in my life with my attitude.
Life is hard when God seems to be withholding any desire. Whether it be finding a husband, the perfect job, having children, keeping your family together, etc, etc - when life does not go as expected we need to be put on Elavil! I struggle with the whole "God's timing" thing. I mean - I think that it is ridiculous to not just give in and give me what I want in that very moment. But then I start to think about how a father doesn't give his child the very first beat- up car that he wants because he knows that in a few years he will get a brand new one for graduation. The father wants the child to have the car that is "just right". You get my drift. And then I think, how much more God wants to give me. He wants me to have a life that is better than "just right". He wants to exceed my expectations. All I have to do on my part is wait...and that is the HARDEST.
I was talking to my very wise friend Alicia today and she made an amazing point - God's word never says that He will remove our desires or withhold them. She said that God asks for our burdens, our anxieties, our battles, but He never asks for our desires. Let that sink in for a minute. God never asks us to sacrifice our desires. How incredible. I do believe that God will change our hearts as long as they are surrendered to Him. Even if our hearts change and put to rest an old desire, we still did not sacrifice it. We finally realize that we just don't want it any more. How freeing is that realization and how awesome is God for loving us that way?
I just need to be reminded, sometimes, that God is for me. He is not against me and my relationship is not a game to Him. My reactions and emotions do not have to be calculated like my next chess move in order to win His favor. Because of the blood of Christ and God's never-ending love, I have more favor with Him than I could ever earn on my own. If I allow myself to bask in that reality - I may never need Elavil :).
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A Day Only the Devil Could Conspire
Whew. It is now 12:15 a.m. Yesterday is finally gone! Just to recount my day...
4:30 a.m. - My alarm clock resonates reminding me that I have a 6:30 flight to catch
5:00 a.m. - I finally roll out of bed
5:25 a.m. - I am gathering my things and headed out of the door when I realize that my cat, Emma, has decided to poop outside of her litter box for the 4th time in a week and a half.
5:27 a.m. - I am chasing an angry kitty around my house who is hissing and trying to bite me if I come near her. I assume it is because she knows just how angry I am.
5:30 a.m. - I noticed that Emma has not used her litter box since I changed it. Of course, being me I personalize it and think that my cat is getting revenge on me for something.
5:33 a.m. - I am finally driving through the gates of my neighborhood to the airport.
6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. - My day is going as planned. Except for the traffic in ATL. But - not such a big deal.
2:30 - 4:30 - I am in the gym and running errands. I receive an interesting phone call with pieces of a missing truth that I have been without. I find myself angry, discouraged, relieved and wondering if one day...just one day - some man may find me worthy enough to take the risk of falling in love with me. But, that is enough. Let your minds wonder.
4:30 - 5:00 - I meet my parents at my house. They are coming over to help me hang pictures, have dinner and work on my taxes because I have been so slack this year and waited until the VERY last minute. My sweet little Emma is still quite irritable with everyone. Mom suspects she is sick. I dismiss it until I read the Internet about her behavior - sure enough, looks like my cat has an urinary tract infection.
5:00 - 5:15 - I am chasing an 18 lb. cat around the house. My parents are manning every open doorway so that she cannot escape into exile where she knows I will never reach her. Finally, after peeing in my closet - Emma emerges and I am able to cage her and get her to the vet.
6:00 - I leave the vet's office without my constant feline companion. She will have lots of tests done tomorrow to determine just how bad the infection may be. Meanwhile, I left Mom and Dad to hang 5 pics while I was gone. Upon my return to the house, they were still working on #1 :).
6:15 - 7:30 - We are still hanging pictures on the wall :). My father is such a perfectionist. I appreciate that about him after the fact but is sure does try this impatient girl's nerves. But, I couldn't ask for a better dad!
7:45 - Finally, off to dinner. We are all hungry. Good food and conversation were ended abruptly by the reminder of unfinished taxes lingering at my house.
8:30 - Dad and I attack the taxes. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I owe SC money. And then, I remember, I have two W-2's from my previous employer - one of which I never bothered to open.
11:45 - After much agony and sweat - the taxes are done. My federal refund is greater. I am now getting a SC return. However, I do owe the Tar Heel State. Oh well - I am out $80 bucks. Better than the $900 that I thought I was going to have to lay down.
Some days are just better than others. Yesterday was definitely an "other".
Rest well blog world....
4:30 a.m. - My alarm clock resonates reminding me that I have a 6:30 flight to catch
5:00 a.m. - I finally roll out of bed
5:25 a.m. - I am gathering my things and headed out of the door when I realize that my cat, Emma, has decided to poop outside of her litter box for the 4th time in a week and a half.
5:27 a.m. - I am chasing an angry kitty around my house who is hissing and trying to bite me if I come near her. I assume it is because she knows just how angry I am.
5:30 a.m. - I noticed that Emma has not used her litter box since I changed it. Of course, being me I personalize it and think that my cat is getting revenge on me for something.
5:33 a.m. - I am finally driving through the gates of my neighborhood to the airport.
6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. - My day is going as planned. Except for the traffic in ATL. But - not such a big deal.
2:30 - 4:30 - I am in the gym and running errands. I receive an interesting phone call with pieces of a missing truth that I have been without. I find myself angry, discouraged, relieved and wondering if one day...just one day - some man may find me worthy enough to take the risk of falling in love with me. But, that is enough. Let your minds wonder.
4:30 - 5:00 - I meet my parents at my house. They are coming over to help me hang pictures, have dinner and work on my taxes because I have been so slack this year and waited until the VERY last minute. My sweet little Emma is still quite irritable with everyone. Mom suspects she is sick. I dismiss it until I read the Internet about her behavior - sure enough, looks like my cat has an urinary tract infection.
5:00 - 5:15 - I am chasing an 18 lb. cat around the house. My parents are manning every open doorway so that she cannot escape into exile where she knows I will never reach her. Finally, after peeing in my closet - Emma emerges and I am able to cage her and get her to the vet.
6:00 - I leave the vet's office without my constant feline companion. She will have lots of tests done tomorrow to determine just how bad the infection may be. Meanwhile, I left Mom and Dad to hang 5 pics while I was gone. Upon my return to the house, they were still working on #1 :).
6:15 - 7:30 - We are still hanging pictures on the wall :). My father is such a perfectionist. I appreciate that about him after the fact but is sure does try this impatient girl's nerves. But, I couldn't ask for a better dad!
7:45 - Finally, off to dinner. We are all hungry. Good food and conversation were ended abruptly by the reminder of unfinished taxes lingering at my house.
8:30 - Dad and I attack the taxes. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I owe SC money. And then, I remember, I have two W-2's from my previous employer - one of which I never bothered to open.
11:45 - After much agony and sweat - the taxes are done. My federal refund is greater. I am now getting a SC return. However, I do owe the Tar Heel State. Oh well - I am out $80 bucks. Better than the $900 that I thought I was going to have to lay down.
Some days are just better than others. Yesterday was definitely an "other".
Rest well blog world....
Monday, April 13, 2009
What I Know of Holy
This is an Addison Road song that I have fallen in love with......
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
What do I know of YouWho spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
What do I know of YouWho spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Possibly My New Favorite Holiday
I have always been a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because of the great food, the reflective spirit and the time that you are able to spend with family. It is a relaxing holiday that focuses on some of the things that I love most - family, food and football.
However, when I woke up today I was more joyful over this Easter Sunday than I have ever been. I woke up with the hope of salvation stirring in my soul. I realized how much I have to be thankful for because of what Christ did for me. In His death and resurrection, I have new life.
Happy Easter!!
However, when I woke up today I was more joyful over this Easter Sunday than I have ever been. I woke up with the hope of salvation stirring in my soul. I realized how much I have to be thankful for because of what Christ did for me. In His death and resurrection, I have new life.
Happy Easter!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
WOWSERS.....IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!!!!!!!
Well, it has been quite some time since I have graced the blog world with my incredible wisdom and insight on life. I am sure that I have been missed and that someone has not felt complete in quite some time because of my silence. Oh my, I am full of myself. Actually, the past 6 months have been so full of overwhelming growth and change that I didn't really know how to wrap words around my experiences. This is what I have been learning in the past 6 months:
- God is patient with me.
- God does not give up on me.
- God loves me more than I can comprehend - even if it hurts sometimes.
- God does not tolerate riding the fence.
- God is in control of things.
- God is all about making sure that my life goes according to His plan.
- God orchestrates every single step that I take.
- God is good to me.
- God is in the details.
- God is bigger than anything I will ever endure.
- God will have what is His.
- God is worth the wait.
I could ramble on and on but I just have learned so much about God and how He loves His children in the past 6 months. Nothing has gone according to my plan and I feel like I have encountered one personal defeat after another. I am left with nothing to offer back to God other than myself - all the while forgetting that I am all He wants. He will do the rest.
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