It's Been A While....

Yes, it has been a while since I have posted anything substantive on my blog. For all of you who hang on to my every word...please accept my apology and understand that what has been going through my mind the past several weeks has no business being posted!

My last blog was very vague and meaningless. I just felt the need to post something so that everyone would know that I am still alive and kicking. In the past weeks I have allowed my circumstances to dominate my thoughts and actions. Please know that I am well and thankful that God loves me and tolerates my "karis" moments way more than anyone should ever have to.

Now....why I am really on here....

The election has caused me to ponder many of my beliefs and why I believe what I do. I have even struggled through this election asking the question of whether or not my beliefs should have any thing to do with my decision of who I would vote for. I struggled through this because I really felt like I had to choose the lesser of two evils no matter who my choice was.

As I thought through all of this I was more and more convicted of why the things I believe should be the foundation for my choice. I finally came to this conclusion....if I don't take a stand on homosexuality and abortion, why should the economy even matter? If I don't take a stand for what I hold to be TRUTH in my life, then what are our troops fighting for? If I don't somehow acknowledge our Creator in my choice then why does it matter what our source of energy is for this country? If I choose to leave my beliefs out of this election then I choose to reject the God on whom our country was founded and has so unashamedly dismissed.

I have been awakened to the power that my choice has. Although the majority of America did not agree with my choice last night, I will still hold tight to what I believe. I find great comfort in knowing that while our President will change in January, I serve a God who will not. I serve a God who spoke this election year into being and I serve a God who will extinguish time when He sees fit. I have been awakened to the highest calling that I have...the call of Christ. It is more apparent to me now than ever before how imperative it is that people know the TRUTH. The world has deluded truth for far too long. As we enter into the next four years of American history, let us rise to challenge that has presented itself and truly offer America "change that we can believe in".

A Long Silence

I have been silent for almost a month. It has been a very interesting month, indeed. When I am quiet you should wonder!

I feel like the last month has been nothing but one trial after another. With some of the trials I have been very strong and feel like I am doing exactly what I need to. Other trials I have failed miserably and am just thankful that God is so patient with me and even uses my failure in order to protect me from myself.

My silence has been a result of just working things out. As you can see, my blog is definitely a sounding board for my spiritual life and struggles. I am thankful that God has the big picture in mind because, quite frankly, I feel as though I am on the verge of spinning out of control.

A Thanful Aunt

When my days start completely chaotic I don't know why I am ever surprised by the chaos that will follow. Today was definitely a day that I would not like to repeat.

My family has season tickets for the Clemson games. We all tailgate and enjoy being together on game days. Today was the 4th home game in a row. The journey to the game began with a niece who had wet her pants. Julia Anne is potty trained, but we still have some accidents every now and then. So, we got Julia Anne all cleaned up at my house before leaving Piedmont for Clemson. I got half way to Easley and realized that I had forgotten my ticket....you know what that means. After Cam and Brooke waited for me for about 20 minutes, we were finally on the way.

Julia Anne absolutely loves the games. She loves cheering and being in the middle of all the action. As Brooke, my sister, was going to get her out of the car, Julia Anne had propped up against the car door and fell face first as the door was opened. It was a nasty fall. So, we ended up in the ER in Seneca to make sure that there was no serious damage done. Staying true to her nature, Julia Anne was a champ and is ok. She walked away with some scratches and bruises, but we are expecting a full recovery.

As I waited in the waiting room while the doctors examined her, I was crippled with fear and anxiety. Seeing and hearing the fall was one of the scariest things that I have witnessed in a while. I immediately just asked for God's peace and provision concerning Julia Anne.

I am so thankful that Julia Anne is ok and that God loves us so tenderly. God met me there in the waiting room. The fear did not disappear, but His peace was sufficient. I am so grateful to serve a God who meets us right where we are and continually picks us up, even after some of the nastiest falls.

I Love the Book!

As I mentioned last week I am reading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Wow, what a book this has been! God's timing is impeccable. I couldn't have read this book at a better time. Not only is the book hitting me square between the eyes, messages that I am hearing at church are also aligning with what I am reading. What are the chances?

Here are a few things that I have been learning lately:

1. This thing called life, it is not about me. It is about where I fit into God's story. I know that you are probably thinking, "Duh, Karis...about time you caught on". I have always had a head knowledge of this, but I have never had a heart humble enough to enter into God's story. I have always wanted to be in God's will so that my desires come to fruition. I think I am getting it...this life of mine was God breathed...and I need to just go with the His flow and allow my desires to become secondary to and shaped by God.
2. Now that I have FINALLY realized that God has a purpose for me in His story, I am much more free to really experience life. It is already worked out, all I have to do is be on board.
3. No matter how much pain and suffering I may have to endure, the ultimate goal is joy, true joy that can only be found in Christ. God will allow me to suffer until I am ultimately satisfied by Him.
4. Letting go of all of the dreams that I had for myself has ushered in more joy than hanging on to what I wanted. Instead of cramming my life full of chaos, I am finding that peace and rest come much more naturally.
5. If I allow God to shape my desires, my hope in Him will only grow. I want the kind of hope that hopes beyond the impossible...the kind of hope that Christ carried on His way to the Cross.

I am truly humbled as I reflect over everything that God has done for me and how little I deserve His gifts. I am enjoying this season of joy, peace and rest.

Just a Suggestion

Every month my mom picks up the Journey magazine for me from her church. I love that she does this for me. It is nothing big, but it is just so thoughtful on her part. I look so forward to the new magazine every month. There were several articles that really got me last month. In one of the articles the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb was referenced. So, I thought that I would check the book out.

I read an excerpt of the book online and really liked what I was reading. I picked it up from the bookstore today. I have only read one chapter, but I am anxious to crawl into bed tonight and read even more. I have already been challenged in the first chapter as the author shares why he chose to write the book. The book is based on the story of Naomi out of the book of Ruth. I am excited to see how Crabb will explore how God used Naomi's broken dreams to bring about a deeper, purer joy.

I chose to read this book now because I feel like God has blessed me so much recently. Not that my life is all that different, I just feel God changing my heart and shaping my desires to look more like His. Yes, there are still unfilled dreams/desires that I am waiting for God to work out, but He has really brought me to a place of rest and contentment. I feel like now is the best time to accept my "shattered dreams" and truly reflect on all that God is doing in my life.

So, when you get the time, pick up Journey Magazine for quick, daily devotionals and Shattered Dreams for a challenging read.

Needing to Belong

Since being back in Greenville, finding a home church has become a top priority of mine. I spent some time praying about where God wanted me before I even moved home. There were several churches that ran through my mind, but after visiting and more prayer, I feel that God is leading me to Grace Church.

Grace is a non-denominational church that was started in a home in 1995. It has grown to over 2000 members. The number of members is not what impresses me about Grace. The feeling of community despite the number of people is what draws me to Grace. Grace teaches the Bible and is concerned with disciplining it's members. Grace, so far, seems to be just what I need.


As I have attended Grace for the past few weeks I have connected with some great girls. It is totally God. It is an answer to prayer. As I have gotten to know these girls I have been reminded of how much I missed feeling like I belonged somewhere. I have missed the feeling of true fellowship and a sense of family among a body of believers. I have missed having a "home" church. It is funny to look back to the time when I was deciding to move home. My love for the church in Wilmington was really a stumbling block to me following God back to Greenville. Although I attended church regularly in Wilmington and loved the church, I never felt at home. It is incredible to see God piecing things together for me now that I have made the move. God is faithful!

Tonight I attended an informational class about the membership process at Grace. Joining Grace is quite a process unlike anything to which I am accustomed. Joining Grace involves a four week class that introduces you to the core concepts on which Grace was founded. At the end of the four weeks it will be my decision whether or not I will join. As you can probably tell, I am 99% certain that I will join. I am so excited about the possibilities that await. I am looking forward to belonging, fellowshipping and feeling like I am home, truly home again.

I Need Lifetime

I am about to disclose a very important detail about me that you may find shocking-I LOVE THE GOLDEN GIRLS! I watch the Golden Girls every morning from 9 to 10 and every afternoon from 4 to 5. Watching the Golden Girls is as much a part of my day as is breathing. I love that show! I am dying this week-the hotel DOES NOT have Lifetime and I am forced to watch Girlicous on the CW because the only other thing on is the Democratic National Convention. So, when you think that my traveling lifestyle is so glamorous, just know that I don't always get Golden Girls.

I am bored....

I would like to pose a question....

If a car is a buick, has a handicap tag and white heads hovering in the front, should the car be allowed on the road?

I vote no.

Test Results

Yesterday was the big day...the day of the stress test. And, as you would know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my heart. It was actually pretty cool to look up on the screen and see such a healthy heart and to listen as it beat in perfect rhythm. Our bodies are truly amazing creations.

So if nothing is wrong with my heart, what is the problem you ask. And the answer is-MY HEAD! Now that I know, for certain, that nothing is wrong with my heart I can only attribute all of this heart fluttering to stress and the mind games I play with myself. I am so thankful that nothing is wrong, but how do I fix my head?

God had to shake me up a little and let my heart go a little crazy for me to realize that I worry WAY too much. I always tell others not to worry, that everything will be ok. While I believe such is true for others, I don't believe it for myself. I believe this may be a problem with a little thing called CONTROL! Friends tell me that I always seemed so composed and seem like I have my life together. I always laugh at this perception because inside I feel as though I am a complete wreck, never knowing which end is up. For a long time I have relished in the fact that I am a mess. If I am a mess, then poor choices and living life the way I want to is acceptable, right? It is only those folks who have never encountered diappointment, heartbreak or devastation that "really" have it all together and figured out. Bah-ha-ha! Does anyone really "have it together"?

I know that the questions that I have raised are completely rhetorical. Putting the answers into practice is what is I find difficult. How do I relinquish control of my thoughts? How do I choose not to believe something? Sometimes, how do I know the difference between what is true and what is not? The only solution that answers all of these questions is trusting in the One who NEVER changes...who never exists on a whim.....the One who is TRUTH and the One who has gone BEFORE me.

So, here's to a new, chilled-out, hippie kinda Karis. That's right folks, I am heading in the direction of a worry-free life. I am learning to rest in the Truth.

Airport Observations

As I sit in the airport for 3 hours, I have time to do a lot of pointless things-such as blog about what I typically observe in an airport.

1. Men, especially middle to old age, pick their nose as though it is an Olympic sport.
2. Children are not disciplined as I see fit.
3. Most non-Americans are rather fragrant.
4. There is a significant difference between the walking speed of vacationers and business travelers.
5. Business travelers are easily frustrated by the vacationers for 2 reasons: 1) They walk too slow and 2) They are actually traveling for fun.
6. Men are men, no matter what age...they will look at boobs and butts of the opposite sex without any shame.
7. Flight agents are not bad people.
8. Some people just don't know how to dress and don't care. Wish I could experience that freedom.

I am sure that I could list more, but I really need to write a report. Ta-ta for now!

Please Tell Me What This Means...

I had this dream last week. It was quite bizarre and I don't even know how to interpret the meaning of it. It was quite entertaining, so I will share it with all of my fellow bloggers....

Here is a little background information....
I work in clinical reasearch. Although I do not actively recruit patients to participate, I am involved with all of my sites to help them develop strategies for recruitment. The studies that I work on do not offer monitary rewards for participating, but some studies do. I am in the middle of a job change and have had work on my mind a lot. I also had 2 doctors' appointments last week. I always dread going to the doctor in fear of what I may find out. So, moving on to my dream.

I walk into the cardiologist's office. They have a game board the size of a conference table set up. At the very end of the very colorful game board is CANCUN in bright letters. I am curiously checking everything out when the nurse asks me, "Would you like to play?". I am not a big gamer in reality, but in my dream I said, "Sure, what are the rules?". The nurse proceeds to hand me a handful of dice. Each one had a point on them. She told me that I had to at least roll a 12 in order to go to Cancun. Well, in my dream she handed me like 24 dice, so I was thinking, shoot I have this one in the bag. So, as I walked to the table, the nurse placed a bright green lamp shade on my head with oranges all over it. She said, "you have to wear this when rolling the dice!". So, I conceded and dumped all of the dice on the table and, of course, I rolled greater than 12. Just as I was ready to claim my Cancun vacation she told me that I had to give a vial of blood for a research trial that was taking place at the office. I agreed as if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the coercive manner which she used to get my compliance. Then, I woke up.

I know, this is a really random post telling the story of a really random dream. I have thought about this dream and laughed, so I hope that you will find it humorous, too. If you have any insight into my psyche, please, feel free to share :).

Just Call Me Phoebe

You know when you have a group of really good girlfriends and you have all been friends for a really long time, sooner or later you start to identify with characters on televsion? Some of the characters are from shows such as The Golden Girls, Friends, Sex and the City.... so on and so on. Well, my friends from college always referred to me as Phoebe from Friends. I don't know if I take kindly to this, but I have to admit, I can be a little cooky like Phoebe and off the wall at times.

Well, this week I feel like I have been living out a Friends episode. If you are not familiar with the show, you will probably be bored by this. Anyway, the episode that I am referring to is the "What If" episode. The gang sits around and speculates on what life would've been like if they had taken different paths 5 years earlier. I can't remember much about the episode other than the fact that Phoebe was projected as a highly successful business woman with heart problems. I never thought that I would identify with her in this area, but this week I did.

Tuesday was my first visit to the cardiologist. I have been experiencing heart palpitations for about 10 months. I believe that all of these flutters and flips are related to stress. I tend to internalize far too many things and when I am especially stressed or hung up on something in particular, my heart goes crazy. After 10 months of having these feelings off and on I decided that it may be smart to explore the cause of these palpitations. So, next Wednesday I will have a stress test and echocardiogram done. Yes, this 27 year old will be hooked up to a 12-lead EKG on the treadmill. I am not too concerned and will be glad to have solid evidence that nothing is wrong with me...well, nothing is wrong with my heart at least!

It is amazing what stress can do to your body.

All About the Little Things

Today was just one of those days where I just needed to go to Pickens, hang out with Mom, Dad and Tanner and just chill. There is something very safe and tranquil about being in the house that you grew up in with the people who love you most. My soul just needed the little things today.

As I was walking this evening I was reminded of how much the little things matter. I was thinking about a conversation that I had with a good friend not too long ago. Her belief that God would heal her little boy of cancer convicted me of how little I trust and believe God. I was sharing that with her and she said...you know, Karis, you trust God every night that when you go to bed you will wake up. You trust that the sun will rise and that your life will go on. In the grand scheme of things....those are huge. If you didn't wake up you would no longer be here and if the sun did not rise, we would cease to exist. She went on to say...if I can trust God for my next breath and believe that tomorrow will happen, then surely I can believe that my son will be ok. (And her son is completely cancer free and a living miracle and example of God's faithfulness!) I have thought about that a lot and tonight, on my walk, I thought about her words again. So, I began to think through all of the things that I have and how faithful God is to provide in EVERY area of my life. See, this is kind of a big deal to me because I so easily fall into Satan's trap of believing that if God has not answered me in just ONE area of my life, then God is not worthy of my trust. I can be such an idiot...and I am so grateful that God can handle it! I am also very thankful that God continues to teach me these things about myself.

God just shows up all the time...in the little things. He met me right where I was in Pickens, SC. I encourage you to take time to enjoy the little things because eventually we will all learn that they are really what life is all about!

Probably the Most Honest Post Ever

I don't know what the Big Guy is up to in my life. I guess if I had to label it I would call it refinement. There is nothing easy about the refining process. It involves some kind of catalyst to bring about the final product. When refining silver, fire is used to bring about the purest shine. Well, my friends, I believe God has been using fire with me. The only problem is, I am still waiting on the shine. Here is a run-down of the past 2 months of my life.

May 19th-I return to Greenville. I am excited to be moving home because I know that Greenville is where God is leading me. Why does God need me in Greenville? Well, I wasn't sure then and I am even more unsure now!

Beginning of June 2008-I meet this guy. We hit it off. I am enjoying dating and getting to know him. I am on cloud nine...this must be God rewarding my obedience in moving home, right?

End of June 2008-I am growing weary of this guy ( I only realize this in hind sight), but I keep ignoring those feelings. I am having too much fun and it is way too nice to have someone to talk to every night...especially while on the road.

Beginning of July 2008-The guy ends things with me. I am sad. I begin to wonder what God is up to. Must've been wrong about the whole reward thing, right?

Middle of July 2008-The guy calls back. Let's be friends. We can be friends, can't we? Maybe this is God giving me a 2nd chance....why should those weary feelings matter anyway?

End of July 2008-We can't be friends and I have very little respect left for the guy. Not the result I was going for.

August 2008- Left to sort all of the above out in my mind....

AND, that is where you find me now. Trying to sort out the why....why God chooses to do things the way that He does. Or, better yet, try to discern why God allows us to be so us for so long.

While July was not exactly a good month for me in the guy department, it has proven to be a great month for me in the self-actualization department. I have learned so much about myself that is in dire need of change.

1. I have not fine-tuned God's voice in my life. If I had heeded the warning of my soul at the very first sign of trouble, my heart would've been way more protected. I second guessed the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and chose immediate gratification. Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what God's whispers sound like. It is up to me to listen the first time, next time. GULP!
2. I live in the past and future, not the present. God's word tells us in Matthew not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of it's own. God also tells us to lay our burdens on Him because His load is easy. I could go on and on as to why I should never worry about the future and regret the past, but the truth of the matter is that I do. I live in a world of regret and lose hope for the future....not a good way to do things, at all! So, now, I am trying to take things day by day. And, in the moments where I am able to do that...they are much lighter and I find myself enjoying right where I am-in the grip of God's grace for that very moment.
3. Trust-I am always brought back to the amount of trust that I lack. God is all over me about trusting Him and I know that the past 2 months happened the way that they did so that I can and will learn to trust God more. Trust....God will get it out of me one way or another.
4. Contentment. God is teaching me to be content in Him regardless of my circumstances. I am such an honest and emotional person. I dwell on my feelings for days and days and exhaust myself. Well, God has convicted me to suck it up. Those were the exact words that He laid on my heart. After I stopped feeling sorry for my single self, my days have gotten a lot better. Contentment. In God. Completely. It is possible and I will get there...with His help!

So, the journey continues. At the end of August I will be changing companies. I will still be working from my home in Greenville and traveling, but the travel should be much more manageable. This, indeed, is an answered prayer. I am excited to have this opportunity and know that God has provided.

As for dating and boys....well, all I can do is wait...and enjoy this ever so gifted present that I am living in!

MIA

Yes, I have been missinging in action for the past month. Not to fear....I am A-ok and trucking along. I don't have much to report at the moment. Stay tuned...I will be back!

God Is Faithful!

This journey that we call life can really throw you some curve balls. I feel like I have been dodging quite a few over the past few years. I think that the truth of the matter is that I have finally resigned my life to God's control and His idea of a life for me is nothing that I would ever imagine.

I was driving to meet a friend Wednesday night for dinner listening to the radio. A christian song came on that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I don't know the artist, the title or too many of the words. All I know is that God spoke to me so clearly in my car that I had to catch my breath. The song was speaking to how God loves us. I was so convicted of how resistant I am to God's love. In a very gentle spirit God asked me to allow Him to love on me the way that HE saw fit.

I have always equated God's love with blessings. I have always been a control freak in regards to getting what I want. When God has intervened in the past, I always get angry and see God as taking things away from me...not protecting me and preserving me to receive the best that He has to offer. God spoke to me so gently, yet so clearly. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to repent and learn to receive God's love no matter what it looked like.

Later that night after returning home from dinner I prayed and asked God to open my mind and allow His will to consume me. I have been struggling in a certain area of my life with what I needed to do. I asked God to reveal to me all that I needed to know, no matter how hard it would be, so that I could make a sound decision and know that I was in His will. Man, did God answer me the very next night. God is faithful. Although my circumstances may not be what I would have chosen, nor do I really enjoy them, God spoke very clearly revealing His will to me. God has left room for no question and I now see that He has been protecting me all along. I am so thankful that I serve a God that can save me from myself. I am so thankful to serve a God that knows my heart better than I do. I am so thankful to serve a God who gives and takes away as He sees fit so that we are communion with Him.

God is so faithful to those who seek to know His will and His truth. It is amazing what God will reveal to you and the methods He chooses to use. I am thankful for God's protection and patience with me. I have fallen more in love with God as I have allowed Him to love on me. The way that God loves His children is astonishing. We serve a loving, patient, mighty God who orchestrates every detail of our lives.

I Just Don't Get It...

Phil. 4:7 has been permeating my heart over the past week. This verse is part of one of my most favorite passages in the Bible. Phil 4:7 tells us that the peace of God, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Not until recently have I experienced such peace in my heart. Not until recently have I been forced to trust God enough to allow myself to move past my understanding into His safe abiding.

I am such a WHY person. In nursing school I always wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing. I was not satisfied with the "this is just how we do it" mentality. I always needed a reason behind everything that I did. The same is true in my personal life. I always want to know why things have to be the way that they are. I always want to know what is next and how the present is preparing me for the future. I am not comfortable with resting in the fact that sometimes I may not need to understand....I only need to operate on faith.

God is really working in my heart. He is calling me to trust Him beyond my understanding and believe that He is working it all out. I am so amazed at how God can so easily transcend my understanding and make me ok with it. I have never encountered such a time as when I have been so sure of what God is doing in my heart and I have absolutely no idea why. Everything that He is doing in my heart and spirit makes no sense to me. All of the questions and the need to know why is put to rest by the peace that engulfs me. I have become so ok with not understanding that I am not sure that I ever want to know why again! The peace that comes with the lack of understanding is safe....and I just want to stay here a while.

I am still learning what it really means to trust God with everything that I have. I am learning that He equips us with all that we need to trust Him and in the meantime His peace is what sustains us. I am starting to think that this journey toward trust is all about the meantime.

Struggle

I sometimes feel like the only word to describe my life is struggle. I seem to struggle with a variety of different things, but I especially STRUGGLE with letting go. It has recently occurred to me, through the rebuke of a dear friend, that my idea of letting go and God's idea are not the same thing.

I have the tendency to totally cut people and issues out of my life. When I am not in control, I no longer live my life as though a person or a situation ever existed. I bury the memory, good or bad, and carry on with life as though nothing ever happened. If you know me well, I talk and talk and think and think about things. But, once I finally realize that talking or thinking things to death will not change them, I bury all of my feelings. The most frustrating part of my madness is that the feelings loom around the pit of my stomach and build walls around my heart.

As I was reading the Bible today, I was struck by how God instructs us to pray in Matthew. He tells us to go to a quiet place to be alone with Him. He also tells us not to be "wordy" with our prayers, for He knows what I need and what I will ask of Him before the thought ever enters my mind. (Side note-I believe with all of my heart that we should pray as specifically as possible-no matter how many words we use). I was so struck by the fact that God doesn't want a bunch of our words. He wants our open hearts. He wants to know our requests, but he does not have to hear them 20 times to understand. This is where I can become obsessive. I feel like I need to tell God 100 times what I want and that He will see that my wants are met. In my head I know better. I know that God is not a drive thru and does not operate by the "have it your way" mentality. So, this is where my struggle begins with letting go....letting go means I let God have whatever I am dealing with. Letting go means that I may not get it back, ever again. Letting go means that I have to trust....trust someone other than myself to be in control and I have to feel it, feel it and deal with it until God has His way. I can no longer pretend like people or circumstances never existed.

When I chose "trust" as the characteristic that I wanted God to develop in me this year, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I have found that I must enter a world of total abandonment of Karis. I must let go of all the protection mechanisms, dreams, desires, habits, etc, etc that have come to define me. I never knew how deep rooted trust has to be in God and I am sitting at the top of the tree right now. God is so faithful and He has proven Himself to be just that over and over again in my life. I just think that the things I am learning to trust Him with now are the parts of my life that so intricately define who I am. The only thing that I can do is lay all of me in His lap.

As I thought more and more about everything today and repented of my sins, I was amazed by the instant peace that overwhelmed my heart. As I let go and laid it all down, God consumed me. He didn't answer all of my questions, He didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me Himself. All of a sudden the answers to my questions didn't matter and the desires of my heart were quieted. God gave Himself and I am completely at peace.

It is such a cliche, but is so true....God may not give us what we want, be He gives us exactly what we need. He truly never leaves. He is right beside us, at all times, longing to be everything that we never knew we needed. This walk never will become easier, but the rewards of His refinement sure are worth it.

When the Going Gets Good...

I am realizing more and more that I have major....MAJOR trust issues. Not so much of others, but of God and myself. Why is it that when life is really good it is so much harder to trust that you are where God wants you? Why is it that I find myself so much more in-tune to God when my life is a wreck? Why am I so hesitant to the good that He seems to be offering me?



These questions have been surfacing all day for me. I would like to say that I am just a mental case and that be that. But, the truth is that all of these questions, all of my fear, stems from a heart problem...a problem with trusting God during the good and bad. God calls us to a much higher standard. He equips us with everything that we need in order to trust Him completely. He gives us minds to discern His will and hearts that are sensitive to the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. So, why is trust so hard?



For me, trusting God completely requires total vulnerability. I have worked so hard for many years to control outcomes and build walls of protection around my heart. My hard work has not paid off . I am finding it is much easier to build those walls than to allow God to break them down. I find it so frustrating because I don't even know how I got here. But, then again, I do. I am where I am because I have spent years in disobedience to God's instructions. I know now, more than ever, that God does not instruct us to bind us to a certain set of rules-God provides direction so that we are protected from ourselves.

As I think through all of this I am lovingly reminded to turn off my mind and tune into my heart. For it is there, with the lover of my soul, that I will learn to trust.

Continued Blessings and One Proud Sister

So, Emily fussed at me because I have not updated my blog in quite some time. So, for all of you that are hanging on to my every word, here it is...just kidding...I am not that important!

Just to bring you up to speed on my life-I have been so incredibly busy that sometimes I have to remember to breathe. My job has been very demanding and quite disheartening lately. I am learning that even when my job stinks, I am still called to have a good attitude. I have failed miserably in the attitude department, but I am working on it. Being so busy has not allowed me as much time at home as I would like, but it sure does make me savor every minute when I am there. Needless to say, I am so happy to fly in to GSP when returning from a trip-it is HOME.

You know, life is life no matter where you are. I thought that life would get easier by just being back home, in my house. I don't think that my life is easier...it is a bit more challenging, actually. I have the responsibility of taking care of a home all by myself, the challenges with my job have grown and my finances are not exactly where I want them. Regardless of all of my surroundings, I am at peace with where I am. It really does make such a difference in coping with every day nuances that never go away. God is just so good and He does supply our every need. I used to think that I only needed to depend on Him for physical needs, but I am learning more and more that my physical needs only scratch the surface of what God can provide for me. I still have no idea what God is up to in my life, but He sure has rocked my world since being back. Just today I realized that I was more aware of my witness than I ever have been before. I wasn't doing something that I shouldn't have been (I know...hard to believe). I was just working and was so aware of how I presented myself. I started wondering, does she know that I know Christ? Do my actions offer compassion and understanding? So many times they don't and those who don't know Christ are so much better at being compassionate and understanding. Where is the logic in that? There is none. I have probably been so convicted by this because in the past month my actions have done nothing to turn others to Christ because I have allowed my circumstances to determine my behavior. This area of my life is in definite need of fine-tuning, but I am so grateful that it has surfaced. I don't have to live in a whirl-wind of emotion, I can live consumed by the peace that my Creator gives. WHOA...it is time to crank out my faith...and stop...STOP making excuses.

I hope that as you stumble across my little corner in cyberspace you will find my honest heart and honest struggles, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of encouragement in knowing that none of us are alone in this quest we call life.

Last, but not least, I have to brag on my brother, Tanner. For those of you who do not know my brother,1) you are missing out and 2) he is incredibly talented in the music department. My family really has no idea where this talent comes from because the rest of us would do well just to play the spoons and jug. Anyhow, Tanner has an enormous passion for music and an even greater passion for using his ability to lead others to Christ. I am just so proud of him. Tanner has made the decision, after much struggle, to leave the architectural world behind and go on staff with a church full-time as an intern. I have seen Tanner grow and he challenges me as I have watched his faith completely consume him. Please be in prayer for him as he lets go of all the security that the world has to offer and learns to rely on God in a great, big, new way.

An Interesting Conversation

As I flew home tonight I found myself in the middle of such an interesting conversation. The gentleman sitting beside me was probably close to 50. He was telling me about his family and somehow we stumbled into the gas crises that is currently hindering our world. Come to find out, he is an electrical engineer working in Spartanburg. He has been doing research on the world's energy consumption. The more he spoke of his research, the more fascinated I became. He was speaking about how we, as Americans, have not really increased the amount of energy that we consume each year. However, the more populated, poorer countries that have historically used less energy, are beginning to use more and more. He stated that this was due to the desire to have the "American" lifestyle...the lifestyle where things are easier and more accessible.

I have been thinking about how easy the "American" lifestyle is. Would things be different in current America if everything had not been so "easy"? After all, my generation is the generation of immediate gratification. I don't know what it is like to wonder if I will eat any more than rice each day or if my parents will have enough money to send me to school so that I have an education. There is so much that I have taken for granted that my parents so readily and lovingly provided. The security of a meal each night. The warmth of a bath...even when I didn't want to take one...a mattress and pillow to sleep on every night. All of these provisions became expectations of what is normal. What if I didn't have all of those things...how different would my life have been? Would I have been motivated to strive for more? Would I have even known that there was more?

As I ponder the great luxuries that became everyday expectations growing up, I am struck by how limited my view of what "real" life is all about. How fortunate I have been to have my most basic needs met...and how quickly I would surely parish had they not been. I am thankful to have grown up with the "American" lifestyle, but convicted of how much I have taken for granted. I am rambling on and on...just thought that I would share my thoughts....

Just One of Those Days

So little time, so much to do....please tell me that someone else gets overwhelmed by everyday life!

I think that I am coming to a harsh realization...life, daily life, is HARD! Do you ever find yourself wondering if your job will ever get better and allow you to enjoy life? Do you ever wonder if your house will look just like you want it to...not because of decoration or lack thereof...I mean, just have the laundry folded, the carpet vacuumed and the toilets cleaned? Life has been really crazy for me since moving back into a house that is all mine to take care of. I love it. I love being home. But, I do have to admit that living in someone else's home for 2 years erased my memory of what being a homeowner meant. I find myself dreaming...if I only had 2 weeks here...with nothing to do...that would be the life.

Even though I have had one of those days for the past week and a half, I still find that I am happy. Obviously I am not happy because of everything around me, I am happy because of what lives in my heart and the joy that is produced. If it weren't for the presence of Christ in my life I would be a miserable person. I am so thankful that in the midst of everyday yuck, God is so beautiful. I have found that if I take just a moment to reflect on who He is, my perspective changes. Now, I must confess....I do this A LOT during a day's time!

All in all, I believe that God is teaching me to just rest in Him when I feel that rest is no where in site. God is allowing me to feel stretched so thin so that only He may revive my spirit. I am just so thankful for how He teaches me things. As we head into the end of this week I wish you all a restful weekend in Him!

Peace, Grace and Mercy

Well, if you have been reading my blog since the beginning, I am sure that you are all too aware of the fact that I was moving back to South Carolina. I am very happy to tell you that I am back in South Carolina and, most importantly, I am home!!!

In the weeks leading up to the move, I became very apprehensive of why I was so CALLED back to South Carolina. Wilmington was feeling more and more like home the longer that I stayed there. Even though there were so many things about Wilmington that I did not like, the pros were definitely outweighing the cons. Everyone kept asking why I was moving. The only reasons I had for moving was that it was right and was what God was calling me to do. Those answers do not satisfy most people. Everyone wanted to know if I had a different job, a new man or any other good reason to move away from a completely comfortable life in Wilmington. The more others asked the question of me, the more I asked the same of God. In the midst of all the questioning, though, I still had a complete peace about my decision. That peace, the peace that only comes from the Father, is what sustained me and kept me on track. I am so thankful for the peace that only God can give. You can't wrap words around it, you can only experience it and you can only experience when you are right, smack-dab in the middle of obedience.

God is just so good. He knew that I would go through all of the emotions that I did in the immediate weeks prior to moving. His grace was more than sufficient as I cried on late night flights or in my hotel room at night. His grace was comfort. Although I was sad that I had to leave my friends and life in Wilmington, it was only by His grace that I had joy in those very difficult and lonely times.

God always, always provides what we need right when we need it. It was just last Monday that I was thinking about leaving and all that I had to do to be prepared for the move. I was at a low point, wondering if my friendships that I left behind 2 years ago would be the same. I wondered if I would be lonelier than before I left South Carolina. I had indeed changed, so I know that my friends had too. I was just worried that I would have no friends. If you know me well, you know that I love friends and cherish all of my relationships. God was not surprised by all of the fears that were being perpetuated by Satan's lies. I opened up my email that night and saw an invitation to Supper Club. Before I moved to Wilmington, a group of girls would meet for supper club once or twice a month. I believe that Supper Club kind of fizzled and this was an attempt at kicking it off again. This may seem very insignificant to you, but in that moment I felt God's mercy engulf me. He gently whispered to me..."I will never leave you or forsake you...I love you."

Now that the move is complete and I am back in my home, I am really surprised by how easy everything has been. The time leading up to me leaving Wilmington was the hardest. I am excited to see what God has planned for me. But, as I walk away from this experience, I walk away a completely different woman. God has forever changed my heart.

If you feel God calling you to the impossible...go for it! You will never be sorry and you will learn to love and trust God in big and mighty ways.

So Thankful for Good Friends

I am traveling this week...what's new, right? Anywho, I am in Nashville and then on to New Orleans by the end of the week. I really love coming to Nashville. The city has a great to feel to it and there is a lot to see and do. The see and do part I don't really get to take part in because I am always working. I also have great friends that live just outside of Nashville. Ashley and Darren were friends of mine at Clemson and it is always so nice to spend time with them when I am here.

Tonight was an extra special treat. I was able to have dinner with Ashley and Darren at their house and then we went for ice cream. Having ice cream is something that Ashley and I would have never done in college because we were way too concerned with our figures. The funny thing is, now that we do enjoy a scoop here and there, we probably look way better than we did in college :). After we enjoyed our ice cream we just hang out at their house and spent time catching up. The time that I spent with them tonight was literally 5 hours of home for me...and that means so much when I am on the road so often. And, thanks to Darren, I know have 1000+ songs on my ipod and I am super excited and thankful for that! Thanks Darren!!!

In such a time of personal transition I become very reflective....hence the blog! As I think about the friends that I have made throughout my life, I have come to realize how extremely blessed I am to have such great people in my life. As I think about moving back to SC I am saddened most by the thought of leaving those friends that I have come to hold so dear. If you are a Wilmington peep - thank you for having such a huge part in my life. You have no idea how instrumental you have been in my life. Thanks for sharing a lot of good times, belly-busting laughs and painful hurts. You guys are unconditional and unwavering and I love you so much! I am grateful that you all are staying in Wilmington because you know that this beach bum can't stay away for too long! I look forward to all of the things that lie ahead for us all.

And, for those of you who have known me for years....
Thank you for your support and love even when you were mumbling under your breath "what is she thinking?". God has blessed me so much throughout my life because of your friendship. If you are in SC, I look forward to reconnecting and seeing you as much as I want to! You may have to tell me to go away.

I know that this blog may seem rather cheesy, but, as I left Ashely and Darren's tonight I couldn't help but think - I have to blog about my wonderful friends. I don't tell you enough how thankful I am to have you as part of my life.

I forgot to say this...

I think that Jimmy Carter just needs to shut up and stay in Atlanta. He is not on the ballot! Ok...that is the only political opinion I will share.

Who Will You Choose?

I am sitting in the Charlotte airport. I have a 2 and 1/2 hour delay. There is a man in the corner of the club where I wait who is speaking very loudly on the phone. I cannot tell if he is foreign or Elmer Fudd's brother. It is quite entertaining considering that I have nothing better to do than to sit here and blog about it.

On a more serious note...
CNN is the only channel that the club will broadcast so I am constantly reminded of the state of our country. I have never really been too interested in politics until this year. I am not more interested, really, I am just scared to death for the future of our country. As I sit, watch and learn about the candidates who may be up for election, my concern only grows. It is quite a helpless feeling to know that in November I will be voting for the lesser evil. I am not especially fond of any candidate, so this is not my political banner to endorse a particular person. This is, though, my plea for you to pray, earnestly pray for our country. Gas prices are ridiculous, resources are limited and no one in congress can agree on anything. Please join me in praying for our country so that we will return to unity and ultimately to God.

The Countdown is On

So, if you keep up with me on Facebook, you will see that I have officially started counting the days to when I move back to SC. I know that I talk about this A LOT, but, let's be honest...I don't have much more to talk about. Anyhow, getting back to the countdown...I am 20 days away from moving back to SC.



As always, when God leads us to certain crossroads in life the decision is ultimately ours to make. He will always provide the right way, but because he loves us, he never forces us...he gently allows us to make the decision. Historically speaking, I usually choose to go against God. God has to deal with me until the point of misery before I give up my selfish ambitions. Once I reach the point of being exasperated by living life on my own, I feel defeated and abandoned. Deep down I know that I am the only one to blame for the way that I am feeling, but many times I am angry with God because he let me go there again. How many times have I said this-HOW FOOLISH CAN I BE?



Oh, how the decision to move home has forever transformed me!!! I am so filled with JOY, true JOY as I write this. I am so in awe of God and how he loves me. As I have said before, I really struggled with the decision of moving home. When I moved to Wilmington in 2006 I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing what God wanted me to do. In 2006 my life was a mess...a mess that I had created. A mess that was left behind after many failed relationships and a heap of heartbreak. For those of you who really knew me at that point in time, I now understand why the move to Wilmington seemed so bizarre and so not God's plan. But, I knew that I had to move to Wilmington so that God could deal with me, even though I really didn't want him to do anything. There was nothing special about Wilmington (other than a job) but God needed me to be alone. Really alone...no family within an hour and no friends that have known me for 20 years. Wilmington brought me into a completely dependent relationship with God. Wilmington brought me into a relationship where God was God.



As I look back over the past two years of my life, I am so grateful that God brought me to Wilmington so that he could take away every comfort that I was familiar with and love me back to spiritual health. The last 2 years have been the hardest years that I have experienced. I moved away with great expectations of what Wilmington could do for me. And, to be quite honest, God was no where in those expectations. I was moving to Wilmington to make good money, to reinvent myself and to find a man. Within 2 months of moving to Wilmington I quickly began to understand that what I was looking for in Wilmington was not what I was meant to find. I continued to fight God. I continued to try and live life my way and on my own terms. If I pursued God at all it was only so I could tell my parents I went to church on Sundays. This blatant denial of God finally brought me to my knees to the point that I was paralyzed by my the toxicity of my soul. When I couldn't loathe myself any more, I became aware of God's loving presence in my life, little by little. I could rant and rave about all the details that God has allowed to seep through my life, but there just isn't enough time. But, as I reminisce, I can see the tapestry woven by those details in spite of my poor decisions or defiant spirit.

The past 2 years have not been about me loving God the way that every "good" Christian should. The past two years have been about allowing myself to experience God's love so that I could start loving him in return. The truth is, I cannot love God the way that he deserves to be loved...but, he can have me...all of me...and that is the kind of love that he desires.

A Hug and A Kiss

Whenever you read this, if you can, stop...find those you love...tell them and then hug and kiss them. I found out today that one of my dear friends, Joan, lost her husband yesterday, unexpectedly. You just never know when your time is up. So, make the best of what you have and who you are. Love often and unconditionally. And, never, ever forget to tell those who mean so much that you love them.

Please pray for Joan and her family as they learn to re-define normal after this very tragic turn of events.

Ain't No Place Like Home

To all of my fellow Carolinians....take a moment to look around, take a deep breath and appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds you.

I have, unfortunately, been in Iowa for the last two days. As soon as you step off of the plane, you wonder if a cow was hit during the landing. The air is thick with animal smells here. And, to be quite frank, it is not pleasant. The smell is just something that I cannot get used to as it slaps me across the face each time I step outdoors.

Ok, so it smells bad, but, it is the Midwest and it should be green. Nope. Think again. It is flat and not so green. It is more or less a brown. You would hope that the sunshine would make up for it, but from my experience...nope....it doesn't. The only redeeming quality Iowa has is the people that live here. I have never met a Midwesterner that is not pleasant. If I lived here I think that I would be a miserable mess because there are no mountains. There is no beach. There is just flat smelliness.

I have been traveling for close to 2 years now with my job. I have come to appreciate the Carolinas and the landscape that they have to offer. There truly just ain't no place like home!!

Blessings

I don't know about you, but I have the tendency to always wonder why God is blessing other people and seemingly forgetting all about me. I have been quite convicted of this lately because I have been the one who has been defining the blessings. I have not allowed God to just be God in my life and bestow HIS blessings in HIS timing. Upon realizing this, I have started to look at EVERYTHING about my life in such a new light.

I was comparing my life with everyone else around me. Of course I am not going to be happy with MY life when I am trying to live EVERYONE else's...oh the pressure I put on myself. I have found a new freedom in just resting in God and he really has rocked my world. I just want to share about what He has been up to in my life....

As I have written before, I am moving home to Greenville, SC next month - WOO HOO!! I have grown so excited about moving home. My excitement is a miracle in and of itself! Last month I was really dreading the move because all I could think about was what I am leaving behind in Wilmington. God, in his mercy and grace, has allowed a lot of positive and some painful things to happen in the last 4 weeks that have only fed my excitement and affirmed to me that He is in control of this move.

First of all, I have been wondering how I am going to afford May. I have a house payment and rent payment to make. I could dip into my savings, but why do that if I don't have to? Last week I discovered that I would receive a reward from the company that I work for because I referred a new employee. The reward was monetary and was just shy of what I would owe for my rent for May. Oh, how my God provides!

Last but not least, I travel with my job. Most of the time my travel is not overwhelming...I can travel 1-2 nights a week and have most of the week at home working. Well, during the next 5 weeks leading up to my move, I will only be home maybe one day each week. This is a little unsettling because I do wonder how I am going to get everything packed up, but, it dawned on me that this is a huge blessing. Right now I live a street back from the beach. The weather should get warmer in the next few weeks and the beach will be calling my name. I love the beach and it is going to be so hard to leave it....especially when I can see and hear it every day that I am home. God, in his wisdom, filled my calendar with travel so that I become more and more accustomed to not being in Wilmington right before I move. But, in his love and kindness, he did sneak a few days in there so that I can spend them soaking in the sun and saying my good-byes to those who have come to mean so much to me in Wilmington.

Surprises are always the best because you can never expect them. I have come to realize that blessings are even better because they are from God and he always, always exceeds my expectations. Even though I don't have everything that I think I want or need, even though moving away will be a sacrifice on my part, God is blessing my obedience to him...and I haven't even moved yet!!!! He is making himself so clear to me that I am falling more and more in love with him and trusting him more each day.

I challenge you to look for the hidden blessings in your life. If you are constantly waiting on God to accomplish in your life what you want, please, take a moment and let God show you what he wants from you. You will be amazed and overly joyed by all that he will do in and through you. We serve an awesome and mighty God!

PS...If you are looking for a good read, pick up THE SHACK by William P. Young. You will not be able to put it down and it will change the way that you think about God.

Numbness....is it really necessary?

Well, it is good to be back. I was down with the flu for a week. Apparently I infected my computer because it crashed on me and we were seperated for a week. I was lost, but it was nice. I took a real break from the computer and surprisingly did not miss it all that much. It is good to be back in the land of technology, though : ).


Every day I receive a Bible verse via email. Today's verse was so simple, yet so powerful....


"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."Exodus 14:14

I always, always equate being still with being numb. I often wonder if stillness and numbness can co-exist or does one perpetuate the other? As I have thought about this - A LOT - I have come to realize that, for me, they can't co-exist and one definitely does not perpetuate the other. In fact, numbness hinders stillness. Let me explain...

When I think of being "still" before God, I think of peace. The peace that comes from trusting Him. The peace that comes from believing, really, truly believing that He will accomplish in you all the things for which you were created. Being "still" before God is when faith and hope collide and you are at peace with waiting on God. Let me mention that I am not there yet, which brings me to my next thought....

When I am numb, ( as I am now and far too often), I CHOOSE to allow my emotions to dominate my faith. When I live in the faith, when I choose to believe, I am at peace. My soul is still. Sometimes it is easier to digress back to what you are most familiar with. For me, that is numbness. It has been a trend in my life that when I truly invest emotions or hope in a situation that I end up hurt and devastated. I have developed the coping mechanism of pushing all emotions out and believing that not feeling anything will protect me from everything. Oh, how I rob myself of the life that God intends for me to live...of the hope that only He can offer. How sinful can I be?

I am brought to tears as I ponder the numb existence to which I have become so accustomed. Even though I am at a point in life where I don't want to be, nor do I understand what God is doing, I will choose to trust that God's plan is perfect. In Him I am free to hope. Free to dream. Free to feel.

Just Look At Me

Let me start by saying that I cannot take credit for the title of my blog today. The title is inspired from the message that I heard at church earlier today.

So much of this life is not understood. Philosophers and great thinkers alike have tried to put meaning behind what we are here for and why everything works the way that it does. The truth of the matter, for me at least, is that we are all clueless. None of us have anything figured out. How much freedom we would find if we would toss the insecurity of our image to the side and live focused on God-the only person who does know what is going on.

"Just look at me" really made an impression in my heart today. You see, in about 21/2 months I will be returning to South Carolina. This decision has been made for quite some time. I am still in Wilmington because I am fulfilling the commitment that I made to my roommate when we moved in. I am excited about being back home, but I am dreading leaving Wilmington. I have made fascinating friends here. The friends that I have made will be life-long. I have grown so much as a person here. The two years that I have spent here will forever serve as a major transformation for me that was much needed when I arrived in Wilmington. The environment is beautiful here. I am a beach lover and Wilmington fulfills that part of me. There is so much about Wilmington that I am going to miss.

As Mike, our pastor said today, all you can do is stay focused on God and who he is. He doesn't want us to have everything figured out. He wants us to trust him and have faith in what he is doing in our lives because, like every life experience, the purpose is to teach us something. Perhaps he needs to show us just how strong we are when we are fully dependent on him. Maybe he needs to show me that even though I don't want to do something, when he asks and I obey, there is so much more peace of mind. The decision to leave Wilmington was hard. I fought with God for months or maybe I just ignored him, but because of his faithfulness, I know that I am moving home at the perfect time. As Mike taught today, I have to just look at him. Even though I do not understand what he is doing, I must look at him. He knows what joys or what hurts lie ahead. But, as I look only to him, in obedience, he will take care of the rest. What assurance we have as we place our trust in him.

Twirty

My friend Mandi turned 30 today. She is one amazing woman and has become a good friend of mine here in Wilmington. She is one of the most laid-back people that I know. Nothing really gets to her. Turning 30 did not really bother her too much. She said that the only thing that really hit home was that she could no longer say that she was twenty-something. So, being the good friend that I am, I suggested that, when asked for her age, she repsond with "twirty". It will throw everyone for a loop and she really does not have to explain that she is thirty because everyone will still be looking at her as though she has a speech impediment.

There is something so "official" about 30. What does 30 look like for you? I know that for me it has always looked like a husband, maybe a child, a good job and a wonderful home. The closer that I get to 30 the more I realize that my life may not include some or any of those things that I mentioned. I am three years away from the big 3-0 and I often ask myself, will I be ok if I am not married-I know that I will be ok without children? Will I be ok if I don't have the 5,000 square foot home? Will I be ok-period? How foolish I can be. Don't I know that life takes care of itself and, more importantly, isn't there a plan for my life?

All of these questions bring to surface a much deeper issue-peace with where I am NOW. Does it really matter where I will be in 3 years. How about where I am now? Am I making the most of my life as it is? I thought about these things a lot over the course of today and realized, for the first time in a long time, that I am happy-yes happy-with my life. Honestly, there is no other place in life that I rather be than right where I am. You see, I couldn't imagine being married right now because God has not revealed to me the man with whom I will spend my life. I am happy to not have a child right now because I know that I am just not ready. I am not willing to make room for that in my life right now. Furthermore, I would be a single mother and parenting is just something that I really prefer to do with a partner. I am happy that I don't have my huge house-I am not broke. I can buy the clothes that I want and visit the places that I wish. Being one of the only single girls left out of all of my friends and, now, one of the only ones to not have children, I have learned that what I want is not necessarily what I need. And, when I submit my desires to God, He changes them. Unfulfilled desires can produce so much more joy than those desires that I so selfishly pursue. There is the power of NOW. I have become a believer.

Please don't get me wrong. I look toward the future with hope and anticipation of what God is going to do. I just must have the understanding that it may look nothing like what I have ever pictured. So, as for now, I will not think about "twirty". I will enjoy my 20's-what is left of them- and, when asked my age, relish in the fact that I can still say "twenty-________". I am going to experience the joy and the power of NOW!

What I Am About

So, this will be my first lengthy blog entry - all about who I am and what I am about. I often think about posting this kind of information on my Facebook, but I am hesitant because I am afraid that I won't be as candid and real about who I am. Facebook tends to be a fascade of who I wish I could be....shhh....that is a BIG secret of mine....not really. Anyway, I decided to create a blogspot so that I could freely be me. I also figure that whoever reads this probably already knows me and knows how "karis" I can be. So, here goes.....

Where do I start? I have this problem with telling you a little bit more about myself than you would ever want to know. For example, while running my nipples become erect. Not because I am excited or cold, but because running is sometimes excrutiating for me and even my nipples are pleading for me to stop. See, you didn't expect that did you? But, you are laughing!! Hey, it's part of nature...nipples get hard!

Seriously, there are so many layers to my personality that it is quite difficult to wrap words around who I am. I am a middle child. I am a woman. I am a professional. I am independent. I am compassionate. I am true to my word. I am naive, at times, by choice. I am loyal. I am passionate. I am wild. I am crazy. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. I love to do things for others. I love to cook, bake and eat. I love Clemson. I love Clemson football. I love my family. I love to exercise. I hope. I dream. I am, I love, I do....you fill in the blank, but, does that really depict who I am? Probably not.

I suppose that the best place to start is to define what I believe. Actually, what I believe should define me a lot more than I sometimes allow it to. I believe that everyone has to believe in something. Everyone wishes to express faith in something. We are made this way. To think that you don't believe in anything or have faith is, in my mind, foolish. It took me a long time to grasp what it is to truly believe and why I believe what I do. What I believe does not come from what my parents think I should be or the latest trend that society advertises. What I believe comes from a transformation of my mind and heart that can only be accomplished through Jesus Christ.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that Jesus died for the sins of every man and woman so that we may know God, the Father. Being so bold in this declaration is very hard for me. Once you believe in something you are to exhibit certain traits and qualities and behaviors. This is the point that I probably owe many of you reading this an apology because, if you never knew this about me, you are missing out on the most important part of who I am. I am not perfect. I struggle-everyday. Some days are worse than others. I make poor decisions. I have regrets. I have hurts. I have desires. I have dreams. I am just like anyone else, only I have a relationship with Christ who loves me beyond all of the hurts, dreams, regrets and desires that I will ever have. I have never experienced such love as this and I would be remiss not to tell you about it. Please find Christ. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He will never leave you or forsake you. If you don't believe me-take a chance and believe in Him and find out for yourself.

Now that you know the MOST important thing about me-here is a little bit more of a glimpse of what I feel makes me who I am...

My family is wonderful and loving. My family is also wonderfully frustrating at times. But, they are so much a part of me that I truly don't know who I would be without them. My parents are wonderful. Their love for me is astonishing-I can be quite a hand-full! My parents are unwaivering and consisitent. I have truly had some of the best role models in my parents. I am the middle of three. I love that I am a middle child. I tell everyone that I am the most well-adjusted of all of the Sharpe children. Brooke and Tanner may disagree, but it would not be the first time. Brooke is my older sister. She is, to me, perfect in every way. She would not think so highly of herself. I admire Brooke because she ALWAYS does what is right-always. I am not like that, so much. The right way just eventually has to catch up with me before I get myself into too much trouble. And then, there is Tanner. Tanner is, in a lot of ways, my confidante. I can tell Tanner anything and he just understands. I love that about him. I miss my family. For the past 2 years I have not lived near them. Soon, I will be back in South Carolina and closer to them and I am looking forward to it.

My friends are very important to me. I have always been someone who takes it VERY personal if someone does not like me. I try to treat others the way that I would want to be treated. This trait has served me well because I have the best friends in the world. They bring me laughter, challenge me, support me and love me. What more could you ask for? I love my friends-plain and simple.

Ok, I have rambled E-NUFF. I hope that by now you can somewhat grasp what I am truly about and what is important to me. Stay tuned....I will keep you updated on this crazy life of mine in hopes of bringing you much laughter and limited insight!!!

Just Getting Started

I am just starting to figure all of this out. That is all that I have to say at this time.